AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Don’t be so fuckingweak,” I hiss in the darkness, aimed at myself and no one else.
I have half a mind to find my way into her apartment now, take her to the house Vladimir loaned me, and put an end to this. But as I picture the terror on her face as I slide the needle into her neck that will put her to sleep, the fear when she wakes again, I can’t find the satisfaction in it.
Something is missing. I know what it is.
I want her to go home willingly with me, tomorrow night. I want the moment I’ve planned for.
I see her fumble for something, fingers moving just out of sight. And then, as I’m trying to make sense of what she’s doing, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket.
There, on the screen, is her name–or at least, the name she once gave me.
Ekaterina.
Natalia
By the next morning, after fleeing Mikhail’s apartment, I’m still horrified with myself for how I reacted.
No one has ever handled me that way before, touched me so forcefully, demanded such shameful things. No man in my life before would ever have dared. They all knew who I was, the name I carried, and the risk they took by coming to my bed at all. If I told my father that any of them had hurt me, punished me against my will, or raised a single finger to me without my permission, he’d have cut them apart slowly so that they could see the insides of themselves as they died.
Of course, I would have been in trouble, too, if my father had ever found out about any of my dalliances. But none of them would have ever taken the risk that I’d put keeping the truth about my virginity over punishing anyone who dared hurt me.
I should have been turned off by it, frozen, unable to feel anything but fear. Instead, he played me skillfully, making me come apart under his hands and tongue–and Ienjoyed it.I tried to fight him–but it felt good. I can’t pretend that it didn’t, and I’m horrified by that.
I never considered that I might have desires like this, that I might enjoy a man handling me in a way that completely discounted my feelings about what he was doing, that I might enjoy beingused. I don’t know what it says about me, and I’m too ashamed of what I did to ask Ruby.
I’ve never even let a mantouchme there before, let alone use his tongue to–
I close my eyes, forcing back the flood of warmth that surges through me at the memory, tingling over my skin. I’ve never come with anyone the way I do with him, and even after how he treated me last night, a part of me wants to know what it would feel like to fuck him. To have him hold me down, use me roughly, take me in any way he pleases while I scream and plead and moan.
Natalia Obelensky could never have behaved like that. But I–I’m not her, not here, not with him. I could be anyone I wanted.
I could be the kind of woman who wanted that.
I know he wants it too, that if I offered, he’d take it gladly. Maybetooeagerly. And I know better than to offer something like that up without payment, especially after what Igor has done to extort me.
After what he did, I still have to decide if I even want to go out with him again tomorrow night. I hated him for it, in the moment. I still might. In the time that I’ve known him, my feelings towards him have vacillated wildly between irritation, desire, hatred, and back again. It’s the most confusing dynamic I’ve ever been a part of–and yet, despite what he did, I’m not entirely sure I’m ready to get off this ride.
Today is an errand-running day, and I spend it making my way quickly through the stores I need to stop at, careful of everything I purchase. I’m very aware of how much of my savings I have to fork over to Igor tonight, and it makes me sick every time I think about it.
There were no threatening notes waiting for me this morning when I walked out into my kitchen, but wondering what I might find when I get back home leaves only deepens the pit of anxiety in my stomach. I’m so on edge that I jump when I see the box waiting by my door, even though it looks very much like the ones that Mikhail has left for me before–this time matte black, smaller than the others.
I pick it up, letting myself quickly into the apartment. I open it carefully, setting aside the lid, as I reach inside and pull out a soft, rose pink dress made of a bustier-style bodysuit and an attached skirt that falls in soft folds that would reach just above my knees. Something in my stomach twists as I look at it, a cold chill of foreboding creeping up my neck.
I felt something similar when he sent me the black dress. That one had had a ballet-styled feel to it, but I passed it off as just being something that was in fashion that he’d found aesthetically pleasing–or a personal shopper had. But this–
It looks like a ballerina’s costume turned into a dress. I’ve never once mentioned ballet to Mikhail. It would skew far too close to my actual identity for comfort. I’d very nearly discounted any thought of him being the one who’s been stalking me and leaving the threatening notes and strange gifts, but the dress makes me feel a rush of fear all over again, especially after last night.
I set it aside, reaching for the smaller box inside. I know it’s going to be jewelry before I even open it, and I’m not surprisedto find a pair of pink sapphire drop earrings inside. There’s a note tucked under the box, and I pick it up, expecting some kind of instructions about wearing the gifts he sent. Instead, I read something very different.
I behaved abominably last night, Ekaterina. Please accept these as an apology. I would love for you to wear them on our date tomorrow night. I hope this can show you how very sorry I am.
Mikhail
I bite my lower lip, chewing on it as I look down at the gifts and the note, wondering what I’m supposed to do. The tangle of emotions feels like too much to navigate, facing what I am tonight with Igor. I desperately want to ask Ruby’s advice. But then again–
She’d told me to go to Mikhail’s apartment last night, and that had gone horribly wrong.
Fuck it.I fold up the dress, grabbing it, the earrings, and the note, and take them into the bedroom to stuff them into my bag that I take with me to the club. I’m not terribly fond of the idea of carrying clothes and jewelry worth so much through my neighborhood and the block that theCat’s Meowis on, but I want to show Ruby. Even if her advice isn’t better than what she gave last night, it’s still more than I can figure out right now.
