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“I’ll give you the address,” Mikhail cuts in. “If you want to come?”
There’s something sharp and deadly behind the smooth words, and it sends a chill down my spine. I wonder if Ruby can hear it too, if it might keep her from accepting. My heart is racing, and I feel faintly dizzy as Ruby puts the address in her phone.
“I’ll think about it,” she says coolly, and starts to turn to leave.
As she walks down the aisle, I feel Mikhail’s hand tightening almost painfully on mine. “I was trying to avoid a run-in like that,” he says quietly, his voice low and dangerous, and I feel panic welling up in me.
“I’m sure it will be fine,” I whisper.
He doesn’t answer, and I feel as if I’m on the verge of bursting into tears. I need a moment alone, a way to get some space before I dissolve into full-fledged panic attack, something I’ve never had before. I feel frayed at the edges, as if I might come apart at any moment, and I try to force it back long enough to think.
“I need to go–I need to get tampons.” I tug my hand loose from his. “Before we leave. My period should be starting any day now.”
Mikhail looks down at me uncomprehending for a moment, as if the abrupt change in subject threw him off. “You’re serious,” he says after a second. “I thought ballerinas didn’t have to deal with that. All that dieting and training.”
“I haven’t been working as a ballerina or keeping to that regimen in some time,” I tell him tartly. “Are you coming with me, or can I be trusted to buy my own tampons?”
Mikhail narrows his eyes at me, but after a second he nods. “Go grab them,” he says flatly. “But if you try to run–”
“You’ll catch me, and I’ll regret it.” I force my tone to be almost bored as I look up at him. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
I’ve barely made it to the feminine aisle before I see red hair again, and Ruby is suddenly at my side, her hand on my arm. Her touch is soft and warm, and I have the frightening urge to tell her everything, to run away from this place with her, to let her help me the way I know she’d want to if I told her the truth.
But it would be a death sentence for her, and possibly for me as well.
“Ath–Natalia.” She catches herself, the name sounding awkward on her tongue. “What is really going on?”
I look at the boxes, trying to calm my racing heart. “It’s what I said,” I manage, glancing sideways at her. “I fell head over heels for him. I didn’t say anything because I was embarrassed about it.”
Ruby lets go of my arm, crossing hers over her chest. “Please don’t lie to me,” she says softly. “We’ve been friends for a while now. You can trust me. I protected you when all of that with Igor happened–you can tell me the truth. Is he making you do something you don’t want to?”
I shake my head, hating the fact that it’s not entirely a lie this time. Mikhail might be keeping me in that house against my will, but I’ve wanted a lot of what’s happened inside of it. I can’t say that I haven’t taken pleasure in what he’s done, even if it’s terrified me at the same time. “I went home with him because I wanted to,” I tell her, and that’s the truth as well. “I know this seems out of character, but that’s why I didn’t want to tell you. And I–well, part of me wanted you to talk me out of it, like I said. It freaked me out, how he was making me feel–”
It’s not entirely a lie, and I can see Ruby rolling the words over in her head, trying to parse out how she feels about it.
“So what?” she says finally. “You’re just staying with him now? Living with him? And you’re happy?”
I nod firmly, forcing the lie to keep her safe. “Just come over,” I plead. “You’ll see. Everything isfine. You said you went to my old apartment–you saw how shitty it was. I had a chance for something better, something that made me happy, and I took it. Isn’t that what you were always saying we should do?”
“What if he gets bored?” Ruby asks tartly. “Or he starts behaving differently? Men don’t always show the truth of who they are at first, when they’re trying to convince you they’re good, that you can trust them. What happens if he turns on you, and you’re living with him? Dependent on him?”
“I still have all the money he paid me, when I was working at the club,” I insist, trying to mollify her. “I’ll just leave, if that happens. Come over for dinner.” I switch the topic back, desperate now to make her believe me. “I know you’re just trying to be a good friend, but things really are good.”
Ruby lets out a long sigh, rubbing her temple with one hand. “Alright,” she finally says, relenting. “I’ll come over. But if he steps one foot out of line–I’m not going to let it go, Natalia. No one should get to treat you badly, and you’re more important to me than making your new boyfriend happy.”
I nod, letting out a long, relieved breath, but before I can say another word Ruby wraps her arms around me, squeezing the air from me as she embraces me tightly. “I’ll see you night after next,” she says in my ear, squeezing again, and then she lets go, heading quickly down the aisle.
I know I only have seconds, maybe, before Mikhail comes to find me. I grab a box of tampons, looking around to make certain there’s no cameras watching as I reach for a slim box on the shelf next to them, my heartbeat a choking lump in my throat.
You don’t really need this,I tell myself, trying to calm my anxiety.It’s just to prove to you that there’s nothing going on.
Mikhail rounds the corner just as I slip the pregnancy test inside of the box of tampons and close it again.
“Are you done?” he asks irritably, and I nod, adding the box to the cart with my chest clenching in fear. If someone looks in the box and sees what I’ve tried to steal–ifMikhailsees–I know I will have made everything worse.
But I need an answer, so I have proof for myself that I’m overreacting.
I need something to let me know that it’s not as bad as I’m afraid it might be.
