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He’d be a really good journalist.
“It seems to be the trend here, after the biker claims the woman, he then makes it his mission to impregnate the woman, spreading his seed or whatever,” I continued, my heart pounding. I wrung my hands, looking away from him. “So I just wanted to let you know before this continues any further, that you won’t be able to do that with me. I … can’t do that.”
I sucked in a painful breath and looked up at Colby, whose face was still inscrutable.
“When he … when he had me, the knives.” I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to find the strength. “He had a lot of missions, to punish women, to hurt them,” I whispered. “And even though he thought he was going to kill me, he wanted me to know in my last moments that he wasn’t taking the life from me, he was taking away my ability to create life.”
My hand met my flat stomach. It felt cold, despite the balmy heat coming in from outside.
“And before you say ‘we’ll find a way’ or expect your super sperm to create a miracle, just know that not even you can defy the laws of science,” I snapped. “And science has told me that he … ruined me. There. Too much trauma. Scar tissue.”
I studied the carpet beneath my shoes. There it was. My secret. The big one. Sure, there was a whole bunch of shit from that warehouse I planned on keeping from Colby until the end of time, but this was the one that affected him directly.
Maybe that was why I didn’t break up with him. Because I’d figured when he eventually found out I was barren and broken, he’d move on.
“Hey,” Colby whispered.
He kneeled in front of me. One of his hands was on my thigh, the other on my waist.
It hurt to look at him.
“I won’t blame you, judge you,” I forced the words past my dry lips. “For leaving me. It makes sense. I can’t give you—”
“Stop,” he hissed, holding me tighter. “You’ve given me more in the past hour than I expected to get in my life.” His hand moved to stroke my jaw. “If you could get pregnant, if you were right now, we’d have a life that I’m sure would be fuckin’ wonderful. But the life we have without that is just as fuckin’ wonderful. And if you want to be a mother, we’ll make that happen, however we need to.”
I fought the tears obscuring my gaze.
“I don’t want to be a mother,” I admitted. “I mean, maybe if it could’ve happened by accident, especially if we made something—” my voice broke at just the thought. I didn’t know if it was sorrow, anger or relief clogging my throat. I sucked in a breath to steady myself.
“If we made something, by accident, yes, I would’ve lived that life with you. Maybe before…” I cut myself off again. “I can’t do maybes, wonder about what life would’ve looked like if it hadn’t happened.”
The what if game was a dangerous one. I’d discovered that night one of my little journey, after too much vodka and a long contemplation over a bottle of sleeping pills.
Colby rubbed my thigh. “Whether or not it happened, I still would be right here, with you.”
I rolled my eyes to hide my emotion… There was only so much a girl could take.
“Well, it did happen, and we are here and I can’t have children and I don’t want to explore other ways of becoming a mother. It’s not my path. I don’t know if it ever was, but now I know it’s not.”
Though I’d done a good job of not thinking about this conversation, I had thought a lot about the news that I’d been given in hospital. What I already knew when he was tearing at my womb in that warehouse. I’d never carry life inside of me.
He’d promised that, hadn’t he?
And these past years I’d made sure I didn’t carry life, didn’t have a life.
“I was going to break up with you when we got back here,” I told Colby.
Colby smirked. “I figured as much.”
That didn’t surprise me anymore. Though it still irritated me. How well Colby knew me, how easily he admitted it and how unbothered he seemed by the information. Well, I supposed it made sense for him to be unbothered since I hadn’t broken up with him.
I couldn’t.
“If you want a family, you deserve one,” I said, my voice small. “And you need to know now, before this gets any more … serious,” I stumbled over the word. He’d been searching for me for years, had put his life on hold to save me. It was already plenty serious. “I’m not likely to change my mind about this.”
Colby smiled softly at me, tucking a hair behind my ear. “I am well aware that you’re stubborn as fuck.”
