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“We’re comfortable with each other. Wecantalk to each other, and that’s no small thing. Anyway, you changed the subject.”
She nods shortly. My hands are like wild animals, chained, attempting to break free of their constraints. To brush her hair from her face, to cradle her cheek gently, to reachunderthe table and claim her thick thigh.
“Boys have never shown much interest in me,” she says softly.
“That’s insanity.”
Her laugh is all the light I never knew I needed before I met her. “I don’t think other people see whatyousee when you look at me, Jacob.”
I smirk. “I’m sure there’s a quote there…”
She tilts her head, thinking. I wish I could take a picture and save this forever… her pensive lips, her furrowed eyebrows.
“Don’t doubt yourself just because nobody else sees what you see,” she says after a pause. “There’s a chance you’re wrong, but there’s also a chance everybody else is. Doesn’t it freak you out, thinking of me trawling through all your interviews?”
“I enjoy thinking of you sitting in bed dressed in shorts and a tank top—bra optional—reading through them…”
When I mention her outfit, she looks down at the table.
“And it’s true,” I go on. “Isee how beautiful you are. Honestly, I’m tempted to call you a liar. How can no man have ever wanted you? But I’m glad that’s the case. I’m glad the rest of the world is so blind. I’m glad you’re—”
Mine, I was about to say. I could’ve wrecked everything, but then the waiter saves my ass.
“Are you ready to order, or would you like a few more minutes?”
* * *
The meal is a battleground, but I’m fighting myself. Fighting the instincts roaring at me to get closer to her. It feels unnatural being so distant, maintaining this space as though I should be ashamed of her. It’s the last thing I should feel about my woman. Shame? It doesn’t belong.
“I was thinking about your dad,” I say out of the blue.
She lowers her fork, a piece of pasta speared on it.
“If you want, I could help you find him.”
“I already did,” Madison murmurs.
My hand twitches under the table. I’ve placed it against my leg to make the journey longer if my resolve breaks. I’ll have more of a chance to stop myself.
“What happened?” I ask.
“This was when I was fourteen.”
Only five years ago. I don’t care. Time means nothing.Wemean everything, but public perception may not be so forgiving.
“Mom had a few pictures of him on a memory drive. I was able to reverse image search him. He’d used one of the same pictures for a profile photo on his social media, which was set to public.”
“And?” I ask, sensing her heartache, knowing I could help her, even a small amount. Hold her hand, let her feel the warmth of my body, a sign she’s not alone and never will be. She’ll never have to faceanythingalone.
“He wanted nothing to do with me,” Madison says, shrugging. “He lives in Spain now. He said he never wanted to be a dad. His life would be difficult, he said, if I suddenly showed up wanting attention. After that, I blocked him. I got the answer I needed.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
“It’s fine.”
But it’snotfine. The pain in her voice tells me that.
Ignoring my steak, I do the thing I promised myself I wouldn’t. Reaching across the table, I take her hand, holding it so she can hopefully feel the protective intent inside of me, so she can sense the fact I’m never going anywhere.
