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It had been an interesting forty minutes, Natalie trying to both show me how excited she was while also warning me against sleeping with someone who was still legally my patient. “I only started seeing Ben after he was no longer in my care,” she’d reminded me. “You don’t want to end up with conflicts of interest while you’re still growing in the industry.”
“Isn’t that a little bit dramatic?” I’d asked sarcastically, unable to meet Natalie’s eye because deep down I knew she was right.
“He and his wife—ex-wife—threatened to sue the hospital where he was recovering, Ames. If this goes badly, Josh has enough money and influence to royally screw up your life,” Natalie had explained, staring at me the way our mother used to whenever we were being obstinate.
We’d ended the conversation on good terms, with me promising to keep my head on my shoulders so I didn’t lose everything to Josh and with Natalie swearing she wouldn’t meddle any more than was absolutely necessary. I’d lurched out of the apartment building with a growing sickness inside of me, a shame that stung as I remembered how I used to feel about Josh.
Apparently, I was more susceptible to his charms than I’d thought, and had let him trick me into behaving like a lovesick girl the day we confessed our feelings for each other. Natalie had been brutally honest and I was grateful to her for reminding me that Josh still held most of the power in our relationship, meaning he could fuck me over without a second thought if he chose to.
In a way, I was using my conversation with Natalie as a test—by telling Josh that she knew about us, I could study his reaction for hints of his true intentions. If he reacted angrily, for example, I figured that would tell me he only saw me as a plaything to use while Laila was away.
Oddly enough, Josh remained perfectly calm and said, “if you think she’s trustworthy, then so do I. As a matter of fact, I shared the same information with Anthony—we had lunch together after the meeting.”
We stepped out of the car simultaneously and meandered to the front door, weaving between bright green grasses and magenta rose bushes. The air was full of summer’s promise, long days that seemed as forgiving and ephemeral as a movie screen fading to black. A light breeze fluttered the hem of my lavender-colored skirt as I waited for Josh to unlock the door and envelop us in air conditioning.
There was silence as we took off our shoes, Josh and I mulling over each other’s admittance of sharing our world, which was now not as private as it’d been when we left this morning. I had no idea what Anthony had said in response, but I felt compelled to let Josh know where my heart was at after the advice from my older sister.
“Do you think we’re moving too quickly?” I murmured, hanging my purse next to his windbreaker on the coatrack. “I mean, you’re still technically my client and we…I could get in a lot of trouble if the wrong people found out about us.”
Josh looked over from where he was sifting through the mail on the counter, furrowing his brows as though I’d read his mind. “You know I’d never let anything happen to you, right? Did Natalie say something off-putting?”
I flushed at how easily he picked up on what was bothering me and coolly replied, “No, she was just being a big sister and told me that it might not be wise to officially date my client until after our contract is fulfilled.” Clearing my throat, I joined him in the kitchen, adding, “Her husband, Benjamin, is a former patient of hers, so maybe Natalie’s right.”
Keeping my hands busy with drying the dishes on the rack, I watched Josh nod in my peripheral, agreeing, “we can keep it casual if you want, Red.” Then with a more teasing tone, Josh joked, “Just as long as it doesn’t make you more militant during our sessions. I don’t know if my poor old heart could handle that stress again.”
I smirked at him, snickering at the way his hand clutched dramatically at his chest while his brown eyes twinkled with mirth. “Don’t worry, Old Man,” I taunted. “I’m sure we can find other activities to keep you on your toes.”
Josh laughed. “So sex is still on the table, but none of the gushy stuff? Honestly, Amelia, it’s okay if you want to put a pause on sleeping with each other while we navigate this.” He gestured at the space between us which I ignored by setting the dish in my hands aside to press myself against his chest.
Inhaling the masculine scent of Josh’s aftershave mixed with the natural smell of him which clung to his sheets and clothes, I compromised, “Why don’t we just take things as they come? Not hold ourselves to a standard until we know it can be achieved, hm?”
I stared up at him after I finished speaking, wondering how long it would take for this man who could have the world to get tired of me and the complications of our relationship.
Joshua
As I held Amelia in my arms, I digested what she said glumly. Of course I wasn’t going to force my love on her, not even when she herself shared my feelings, but it still made my heart burn to take a step backward after we’d come this far. When she gingerly pulled away and resumed her dish drying, I focused all the twinging pain I felt into gripping my cane tightly as I excused myself to my office.
The mahogany creaked under my grip, threatening to thinly crack and I was surprised at how good that threat of destruction felt. It was then that I realized that I resented Amelia because as much as I loved her, this shift in our dynamic showed she wasn’t ready for a relationship. And while that might have been fine if I were ten years younger, I knew that at my age, every morsel of time counted.
I felt conflicted between resisting any change Amelia’s love would bring and the dooming march of my own mortality. Settling into my chair, I heaved a sigh. This dissonance I felt was a dangerous battle of hedonism and restraint, and as I swiped a hand through my graying hair, I knew which side would win.
Amelia
Despite our best efforts to avoid anything that might lead to a relationship, Josh and I only lasted a week before we were ready to tear each other’s clothes off again.
It started with ghostly touches here and there, his hand on my waist as he watched me make dinner or my fingers gliding across the smooth skin of his face after a shave, and coquettish glances from both of us that made the recipient smirk before looking away. At times, I regretted saying anything about what I’d heard from Natalie, but I also knew we were too far gone to experience anything more than lust without causing serious problems.
And then, eight days after that conversation, while Josh and I were in the middle of a session, we gave in to our desires. “How’s that feel?” I asked my client who I was desperately trying not to pine after. “Can you still feel some tension in your ACL?”
We were doing altered hip bridges with our toes in the air while our heels dug into the ground to give Josh’s knee a gentle stretch. His brow furrowed in concentration as he answered, “Y-yeah. There’s still some twinging though, Red.”
I let my gaze drift respectfully down past his lifted hips, ignoring the provocative bulge there, to his right knee, which I noticed was trembling slightly. “Josh,” I said, waiting until his chocolate-brown eyes were fixed on me, “just breathe through it. This isn’t supposed to be a totally easy thing to do, even though it’s just one movement.” Dropping my hips, I ignored the way his eyes flickered to my exposed stomach as I unclenched my abs.
Rolling over carefully, I hovered over him and murmured, “Let me help you.” I gently placed my hands on his lower back, lifting them a fraction of an inch so some strain was off of his knee. “Is that better?” I asked softly, meeting Josh’s stare as his lips parted to draw in a silent gasp at our closeness.
Despite the way his knee shook faintly with effort, there wasn’t any wavering in Josh’s left hand as he brought it up to cup my cheek. Determination made his features look fierce but his voice was tender when he said, “I need you, Amelia.”
I knelt there with my hands on his flexed back, debating my choices while Josh traced my lower lip with his thumb. There was an unmistakable eagerness in his eyes which I knew hid his love for me, and before I could think better of it, I pulled away.
