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L.P.: I don’t know who that is, but he doesn’t look like he’s been pepper sprayed.
Me: If he’s on your payroll, he’s not doing a very good job because I noticed him on day one.
A long pause follows. Then Uncle Logan gives up denying it.
L.P.: Sara, did you ever consider that maybe I do the things I do to protect you?
Me: Making up for lost time after giving up on your sister, eh?
L.P.: I’m in the middle of a committee meeting. If you want to light into me about how I was a terrible brother, you can set up an appointment through my intern. If not, then calm down and try to see sense.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that one of these days, telling a woman to calm down will end badly for you? Why did you send me a stalker anyway?
L.P.: Did the head lacerations from that anti-real estate protest on U Street last year convince you to stop all these shenanigans?
Me: No. And it was a peaceful rally against gentrification. The violence did not come from our side.
L.P.: That so-called gentrification funded your inheritance. The office furniture showroom went into a place that was a haven for drugs.
Me: At the expense of people who have lived on that street for generations.
L.P.: You should use your observant brain at college like your mother intended. Regardless, you need protection, so just deal with it.
Me: Or what? You know damn well I’m gonna ditch him.
L.P.: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
Me: Why? Are you going to dock his pay?
L.P.: I don’t pay him; I pay his company. But I will cut you off.
Me: Cut me off from what? I haven’t lived with you since I was 18. What the heck do you think you’re cutting me off from at the ripe old age of 25?
Uncle Logan then drops a bomb I wasn’t expecting.
L.P.: You know exactly what I’m talking about cutting you off from.
I pause, and my blood boils.
Me: You can’t do that! That’s community garden money!
L.P.: You already have your main trust fund to fritter away. The special trust is for you to use when you graduate college. Unfortunately for you, your mother assigned me as the executor of the separate trust.
Me: If you refuse to release that money to me, I’ll sue you!
L.P.: You’re welcome to try. Then all that money will go to the lawyers. Your choice.
I was planning to use the trust to purchase land rights to a community garden in my mother’s name on one of the vacant lots in the city. This isn’t right.
Me: You know what? You’re an asshole for holding that over my head.
L.P.: And ignoring a bodyguard is so little to ask of you. You won’t even know he’s there.
I look out the window again, and the guy is no longer there.
Me: Too late, Uncle. Looks like your man quit.
L.P.: What?
