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My heart clenches in my chest, the next part hard to get out.
“I didn’t rush our relationship. We had our entire lives for all of our firsts…”
“You mean, you didn’t fuck her?” Rialta asks.
“Iris was a virgin. We were young, and I was happy to take my time with her. Taking my time with all of her firsts, but then…”
I squeeze my eyes shut as the pain of it all hits me. How stupid and naive I was. How I and the others failed to protect her.
A calming hand rests on my thigh, and I open my eyes, trying to hide my surprise at Rialta’s touch. She’ll remove her hand if I show my shock.
With her calming presence, I have the strength to continue. “In the Retribution Kings, you’re to be initiated when you turn eighteen. The initiation is different for each person. It’s customized to ensure that it tests each individual’s strengths and weaknesses.”
“And Iris was your weakness,” Rialta says.
“She was my weakness and my strength. I would have never endured the trials without her, but then…” my voice catches. It’s hard to share one of the worst moments of my life.
Then again, I’ve had many worse moments with Rialta since then.
“The initiation was hard. They made me hurt my friends in ways I wasn’t sure we’d ever recover from. They played tricks on my mind in addition to burdening my physical body. I thought I had finished, I thought it was over, and then…and then I saw Iris.” Tears burn my eyes as I relive my failure. “Iris, my sweet, innocent girlfriend was tied to a bed being fucked by a dozen men.” I shake my head as the tears fall.
“I should have fucked her the night I told her I loved her, and she said the words back. I should have been her first. She begged me to be her first, but I was stupid—I wanted to keep her pure from my darkness as long as possible. I denied her what should have been hers. I thought I was protecting her, but I gave her to them on a silver platter to destroy.”
Her hand squeezes harder on my thigh, giving me the strength to continue.
“I couldn’t save her—but I could take my vengeance on them. I killed them. Every. Single. One. I had never killed so many men in a single night.”
My eyes are darkness as I speak. Rialta should be terrified of the man she sees in my eyes, but she doesn’t move. She’s not afraid of me. She’s not Iris.
“I was killing them, getting my vengeance, thinking I was protecting her in the only way I knew how—but the last man, he knew what was coming, and he—he took her from me and strangled her before I could get to them.”
My body burns with the pain of what I endured—of what Iris endured. “I don’t deserve to love. I failed the person I vowed to protect. After that, I vowed to never love again. I vowed to spend my life killing anyone who had a hand in her death.”
I look at Rialta. “But then Beckett needed me to take his place so he could be with Ri. So I did it. I knew I’d never love again, unlike Hayes or Gage. I knew I was the only one who could marry you and keep myself from falling for you.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “I shouldn’t have fallen in love with you. When I first met you, I thought you were Iris made over, but worse. That you were somehow more naive and sheltered from the reality of this world.” I meet Rialta’s gaze. “It didn’t take me long to realize you were my equal. You had experienced the cruelty just like I had, but unlike me, you didn’t bow to it. You didn’t let it level you. You were still living. Still falling in love. Still feeling the sunshine on your face and the rain on your hair. You felt it all, and you weren’t afraid of death. You knew it would probably take you sooner than most, but you weren’t scared of it. And you weren’t afraid of me.”
I put my hand on top of hers, surprised she doesn’t immediately pull it away.
“I’m a cold, cynical man who knows I’m risking everything by loving you. We’re both more likely to die before we grow old together. I did everything I could to hate you rather than love you because you have enough enemies. You don’t deserve to add mine to the list. But I couldn’t help it. It’s selfish, me loving you. And it’s why I don’t think you should choose me, no matter how much I want you to. Any other man would be a better choice, Andrea even, and Kit definitely. But it won’t stop me from spending the rest of my life hoping you’ll be foolish and choose me.”
We stare at each other breathlessly, the air all sucked from the room. Our hearts struggle to pump blood through our bodies as we both wrestle with our own feelings.
She loves me—I know she does. But she also loves Kit. And she has some feelings I don’t understand toward Andrea. I don’t know who she loves the most, though. I’m not even sure she knows. But right now, I just want what’s best for her.
“You get to decide your future, Rialta. You get to decide whether you want to be with me, or Andrea, or Kit. And whatever you choose, I’ll help you get it. If you choose me, I’ll do everything I can to keep from failing you. But I know you don’t want my protection. If you were to choose me, it’d be because you’d want an equal. I’ll teach you everything I can so you can protect yourself.
“If you choose Andrea, it will be because you want to be protected. He’s the safe choice. The Corsi men will follow him without question.
“And if you choose Kit, it’s because you choose love above all else. He’s your first love, your true love. You’d choose to escape this life and run from it for as long as you can. If you choose him, I’ll do everything I can to help you live that life.
“None of these choices are easy or promise you a long future. But I do promise that no matter what you choose, I’ll continue to hunt the man down who keeps playing with us until he finally decides it’s time for you to die.”
I take a breath, swallowing my pride.
“I’m not sure if you’ve made your choice, but I’ll accept whatever you choose,” I promise.
She opens her mouth, maybe to tell me her answer, but suddenly she runs.
