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Hayden lowered his lips to his, gently at first, and a feeling of panic filled him. He’d kissed him before, but they were alone with no chance of discovery. What if things escalated? What if Hayden wouldn’t stop when he asked him to?
He pushed Hayden away and fought to sit up, his breaths becoming shallow.
“What’s going on? Talk to me, Ashok.” Hayden looked as panicked as he felt.
Ashok shook his head, unable to speak. His throat was tight. He placed his hand on his chest, trying desperately to slow his breathing. This had nothing to do with Hayden and everything to do with him. But now he’d have to explain. He owed it to Hayden to let him know why.
Hayden handed him his tea, sitting next to him.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Did I do something wrong?”
Ashok shook his head again. He managed to take a deep breath, finally getting control of his breathing.
“It’s me, not you.” It was a cliché he knew, but it wasn’t a lie. “I…I… It’s not that I don’t want to. I do. I really like you. These past few days were great, and I’m glad I got to see a side of you I’ve not seen before. It’s not you.”
“Then tell me. Let me help.”
“I’m not sure you can. I want to say I’m broken, but I’m not. I just… Fuck it, Hayden. I don’t know what I am. And Ireallydo want to do things with you; I just might need some time. I thought I was ready.”
“But the past few days…”
“We weren’t alone. There was always someone around, and let’s face it, Vic wouldn’t leave us alone for one minute.”
“Do you think I’ll do something to you? Because that’s the furthest thing from my mind. You have to believe me.”
Ashok took his hand and gazed at it, unable to meet his eyes.
“I know in my heart you would never do anything to hurt me, but my head… That’s a different story. I…shit. I didn’t want to do this. I thought I was over it.”
“Hey, you can tell me anything. I would never say anything, but if it helps me to understand what’s going on… I would really like to see where this goes, but I won’t if you’re uncomfortable. I’m not that person.”
“I know. You’re not him.” He’d all but admitted there was something, and now he supposed he should explain. Not all of it. The scars and emotions he felt surrounding his father was a subject he wasn’t ready to address yet. He could talk about Jack, or he thought he could anyway.
“Who, Ashok? Who the fuck did this to you?” Ashok could tell Hayden was getting annoyed. His usual pale, freckled complexion was turning red. He only did that when he was embarrassed or angry. Ashok didn’t feel threatened by that but had been by the simple act of a kiss.
He settled and took another deep breath, clutching his warm tea in his hand for comfort.
“Two years ago. I was assaulted. Sexually. And beaten.”
“Fuck, Ashok. I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything, but can you just listen while I talk? If you interrupt, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get the words out.”
“Of course, anything.” Hayden touched his hand, and Ashok was grateful for the support.
“I was almost raped. By another man. One that I trusted, stupidly enough. Turns out he wasn’t interested in me at all. I don’t exactly know what he wanted. All I know is that I was assaulted and beaten. Left in an alleyway. I don’t think they meant to kill me. Two of them moved me to where I could be found, but Jack? I think he’d have left me for dead.”
“What happened to them?” Hayden sounded as shaken up as Ashok felt talking about it. It wasn’t easy for either one of them, it seemed.
“I didn’t report them, if that’s what you’re getting at. My home life is…difficult, and if I’d have said anything…” Ashok laughed dryly. “It would have been way worse. So, I said nothing. I told my mum I’d been mugged, and when the police asked, I said I hadn’t seen my assailant. I just couldn’t.”
“Jesus Christ, Ashok. This is awful.”
“I thought I was over it, and I am mostly. I haven’t forgotten about it, but I’ve taken myself out of the picture. I’ve not met with guys, talked to them, let alone kissed them. Just being here alone in that position just made me panic. What would happen if I asked you to stop and you didn’t?”
Ashok looked at Hayden. He was pissed, he could tell, and he wasn’t sure if it was at what he’d told him or the fact he’d painted him in the same light.
“I don’t think for one minute that you’d do that. Let me just say that, but my mind hasn’t been able to differentiate between you and him. Please don’t be upset by that.”
