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I was flirting with him.
I was crushed when I realized I amsoout of his league.
I ran off in tears.
I am lame. I am a loser. I am a joke.
I am so, so sick of this.
And back to feeling like a full day of school is an infinite chasm that will swallow me whole if I’m not on my guard and armored up from the moment I step onto campus until I’m hunkered safely in my room at the end of the day. I can’t even imagine how bad it will get once people find out I’m meeting up with Sebastian three times a week for the rest of the term. And I’m not naïve enough to think it’ll make any difference that it’s for tutoring sessions; they’ll find some creatively twisted way to spin it into something else. And oh, what kindlingthatwill be for the SH Prep rumor fire, feeding it until it crackles and blazes and roasts me to a crisp. I know how it works; I’ve felt the sting of its flames a thousand times before. The scars are still there.
So, I cling to the fact that at least he’s not at school this week. That gives me a few days to tamper down this latest wave of attacks before the tutoring sessions begin. I will play the game like the pro I’ve become: make myself scarce, show no reaction to their taunts, head down, eyes averted. Act like I don’t exist, so hopefully they’ll forget that I do.
Friday afternoon, I’m navigating the crowded hallway on my way to third period, having left the library at the last possible minute, when Maddie Jarvik corners me just before I make it through the door to World History. I know she’s going to lay into me because I saw her gaze trailing me as I approached. Even with my own eyes lowered, I’ve become an expert at picking up on stuff like that with just my peripheral vision. Being accosted and shoved into the girls’ bathroom a time or two has a way of honing these kinds of skills.
“Oh my God, you are such an embarrassment.” Maddie mock-laughs, knocking her whole left side into me as she blocks my entrance to the classroom.
My backpack slides off and lands with athunk!on the weathered hardwood floor. I don’t reach down to retrieve it yet, because that would count as a reaction, and a reaction is usually cause for escalation, I’ve learned.
“What the hell are you even wearing?” She gestures to the shirt I layered over a pale blue T-shirt. It’s navy plaid flannel, bland, and totally forgettable. I really don’t see how it’s worthy of ridicule. I lick my lips. Swallow. Focus on keeping my expression totally passive. I definitely don’t dare a response.
“Is that outfit from like, last season’s Sexy Fisherman line?”
Still no answer from me.
“’Cause I mean, wow. Seriously, Fish Girl. Look at you, pulling out all the stops, trying to lure Sebastian Murdoch into the sack, and between your hairy twig-legs.” Her gaze dips to my lower torso. “At least, I’m assuming girls like you don’t believe in shaving?”
And, yup, apparently the story has now escalated to me full on propositioning Sebastian Tuesday afternoon at the beach. Because of course I want to jump his bones. I am a female and every female, by default, wants to jump Sebastian Murdoch’s bones, right?
“Not that it isn’t a great look on you,” Maddie continues, undeterred by my silence. Or possibly encouraged by it. “But I’m pretty sure you’re not Seb’s type. He’s kind of partial to girls who actually groom themselves. And who don’t, you know, smell like a rotting jellyfish.”
I inhale a slow breath, then exhale. I don’t even clench my fists. For the most part, I’ve become good at shedding the hurt. Even when it’s laid on in heavy, thickening layers, I’ve learned to dilute it enough to slide off my skin, leaving only a dull, pulsing ache.
The second bell rings and I lean down to retrieve my backpack. But Maddie kicks it out of my reach, toward the wall, her eyes shifting just beyond my left shoulder.
“Hold up, Fish Girl. Here’s Seb’s bestie. Let’s see what he thinks.”
My eyes dart to the left and land on Xavier Rockwell.
Wonderful. This day just keeps getting better and better.
Xavier Rockwell is one of the top-tier cool kids. Even I’ve heard about the out-of-control parties that happen almost every other weekend at his sprawling ocean-front mansion, and the crazy stuff that goes down there. It’s common knowledge that Xavier gets away with anything, because his dad practically owns this town. Barron Rockwell is an honest-to-God billionaire. Not millionaire.Billionaire.So yeah, Xavier has almost as much of a God-like status in this town as Sebastian Murdoch. He’s a wide receiver for the Titans who runs in the same crowd as those rowdy guys from the beach the other day. Apparently, he’s also best friends with Sebastian. So, I’m sure this little encounter will be a laugh and a half.
“What do you think, Xave?” Maddie practically purrs. “You know Seb better than anyone. You think he’d bang Fish Girl, here? Even though she doesn’t believe in any form of personal grooming whatsoever?”
I avert my gaze as Xavier slows to a stop in front of us, his pretty eyes scanning me only briefly before returning to my tormentor-of-the-moment. My body stiffens instinctively in preparation for the doubling-down of ridicule, now that she’s got a side-kick.
“Give it a rest, Maddie,” he drawls, shocking me. And definitely shocking Madison. “Just because Seb dumped your ass two weeks ago, doesn’t mean you need to go spewing hate every time some other girl is spotted within his orbit.”
Maddie’s mouth literally hangs open for a good five seconds. “What the hell, Xave?” She finally huffs.
But Xavier doesn’t even stick around long enough to give her a response. He brushes past us into the classroom, probably feeling like some kind of hero for acting like a decent human being for once in his life. And even though what he did was technically sort of honorable, I’m not naïve enough to believe that doing one nice thing makes him a nice person. It definitely doesn’t make me trust him, any more than I trust a guy like Sebastian. Or any of the other jerks at this school.
Maddie levels me with a glare worthy of a Disney villain, and a lump forms in the pit of my stomach, because it clearly hints at the promise of retaliation. And God, I wish Xavier had just stayed out of it. Because by now I know full well that any kind of push-back only ever serves to bump my existence up a couple notches on people’s radar. It just adds fuel to the fire and ensures it will only burn longer and harder. The exactoppositeof what I work so hard to achieve every day.
But of course, it wouldn’t even occur to a guy like Xavier that standing up to someone isn’t always the best course of action. He’s never stuck his neck out and had an artery slashed as a result of it. He doesn’t realize that reacting like a normal human being can actually backfire for someone like me. In fact, I’m pretty sure the only thing that’s ever backfired for a guy like Xavier is a roman candle at one of his legendary Fourth of July beach bashes.
Unfortunately, I know all too well how it works. I know that while Xavier may have been the one who just publicly shamed Maddie,I’mthe one who’s going to pay the price for it.
