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“Someone like me?”
“Yeah,” he said simply. “Someone who could never love me.”
The spot behind my sternum tightened, like there was an anvil sitting on my chest.
He may as well have crushed my heart with a sledgehammer phrasing it like that.
Someone who could never love me.
Having him describe me like that made me feel like a goddamn monster. But I also understood why he thought so. Based on everything I’d told him, how else was he supposed to feel?
“We both got to come,” he continued. “And now I kind of just want to cuddle until we go our separate ways to bed. What’s not to like?”
I couldn’t tell if he was trying to convince himself or convince me.
“Right,” I said, at a bit of a loss for words. I chewed the inside of my cheek.
“We don’t have to cuddle. Forget I said that,” Shawn told me, waving a hand through the air.
“Hell no,” I said quickly. “Get over here. I’m going to give you the best damn cuddling you’ve ever had.”
Guilt was pooling in my chest, but the last thing on Earth I wanted was for Shawn to think that I didn’t want to be close to him. I didn’t want him to think I was rejecting him, or sick of him being here, or anything close to that.
The truth was that right now, I wanted to curl up with him more than I ever really wanted to curl up with anybody. But I didn’t know how to explain that. Especially to myself.
“You sure?” he asked, his pretty eyes shining in the TV’s light.
“Damn sure,” I said softly, getting into a good position tucked into the corner of the L-shaped couch. “Come here.”
He moved over and lay down in front of me, taking up the rest of the space on the couch. “Perfect.”
“Mmh, you’re warm,” I murmured, wrapping an arm around him and pulling him in closer.
As I held him near me and we mindlessly watched the show, I thought about how ridiculous his statement had sounded. How could anybody not love Shawn? Sure, I didn’t know how the hell relationships worked, but he was clearly a lovable guy. Everything was always better with him around. He was smart as hell, hot as hell, and with power tools he was capable of just about anything. Even when he was unsure of himself, it was charming.
If anybody was unlovable, it was me.
In fact, I was pretty sure that I’d felt that way for a long time. Since high school, probably. It was easier not to fall in love. Not to let others fall in love with me. Because love could always lead to expectations and disappointment.
Even when it came to family. When it came to my own father, so many years ago. I’d learned early on that the only person I could really rely on was myself, and anything else left me vulnerable and open to being hurt.
But with Shawn’s warm weight pressing up against my body, I couldn’t imagine this man ever hurting me. It was impossible. I’d heard the phrase “heart of gold” before, but I hadn’t thought it was a real thing. But Shawn seemed to embody it, no matter what he was doing. He always tried to do the right thing. The kind thing.
He started to breathe longer and more evenly, and I realized he’d fallen asleep in my arms. Instinct kicked in, and I wanted to protect him, in some strange way. He’d gone on bad date after bad date with so many guys, and now he was here, telling me that he was ready to give up on his dreams of love?
It pissed me off.
Shawn deserved better. Better than those guys from the dating apps, and better than deciding to settle for less than he wanted.
I didn’t even realize I was drifting off to sleep, too, as I held him there on the couch, breathing in the scent of my own shampoo on his hair.
11
SHAWN
I woke up with a start and I had no clue where I was. Now that I was awake, I was hard as a rock, my muscles were uncomfortable, and I was more than a little confused.
My body was hot. The room was dark and kind of unfamiliar, and I sure as hell knew I wasn’t in my own bed, because I had a crick in my neck and didn’t have any sort of pillow.
As I remembered where I was on the couch, I also remembered who I was with. Rush was still pressed up against my back, and as he shifted his cock pressed against the cleft of my ass through our sweatpants.
He was hard, too.
“Sorry,” I muttered. “We must have fallen asleep out here. I should get going.”
“No you shouldn’t,” Rush said, his voice thick and dreamlike. The room was dark, and the TV had shut off at some point. The only light was the dim outline of the front windows.
