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Alicia began to do as I told her. She was a natural in the water, oddly enough. I wasn’t surprised; she certainly looked like she could be good at sports if she tried. Despite her wonderfully curvy waist and ample breasts, she was naturally athletic.
“That’s great,” I said. “Okay, ready for me to let go?”
“NO!” Alicia said, and I laughed.
“Okay. That’s enough for one day. Come on.”
I gently tugged her through the water until she could stand up again. We were back on dry land in a minute.
We drove back to the country club and got some lunch. It was almost time to leave and get Alicia to the airport. “You’re amazing,” said Alicia bashfully, as she tucked into aCubano. “You’re just so … good at teaching me.”
“It’s easy when you know how,” I replied, shrugging my shoulders. “You did pretty good, honestly! Normally, it takes people a few times in the water before they get used to it. Not that I know many people who can’t swim.”
“Are you … uh,” said Alicia, a little cheekily, “gonna teach this guy to swim too?”
She pointed at her stomach, which still, for all the world, could have fooled me. I looked at her again, and for the first time that morning, remembered that she was carrying a life in her, a life who, when it was born, would have my DNA, my traits.
The thought was uncomfortable. It was like a dark cloud had crossed me.
“I’m not exactly great dad material,” I said, a little bashfully.
“What do you mean?” asked Alicia. She seemed curious, and a little disappointed. I knew she wanted me to be her partner in this pregnancy, even if the way things were between us wasn’t really steady. Were we boyfriend and girlfriend now? Or lovers? Or just two people who wanted each other physically, and were bound together by the baby? I had no idea anymore, and the whirling, confusing nature of our relationship reminded me of times and situations I had no interest in reliving.
“Well, my own dad didn’t do much of a good job with me,” I said. “I can’t imagine I’ve inherited much paternal ability.”
My dad left my mom when I was four years old. I’d seen him on weekends for a little while. Then, when he moved away, I saw him on the holidays.
Then, by the time I was ten, I realized, one day, that I was never going to see my dad again. Whatever it was he was busy doing in Palo Alto—drinking, gambling, getting into fights—my mom wasn’t going to let him do it around me. I still had no idea where he was. Whatever he’d done or wherever he went, I always felt like it had aged my mom beyond her years. She’d suffered a fatal aneurysm when I was sixteen. I spent my junior year of high school with my aunt and uncle. My senior year—well, it wasn’t exactly stable. If it hadn’t been for the Air Force, I imagine I’d have turned out just as much of a delinquent and a scumbag as my lousy father.
“No one has the perfect parents,” said Alicia carefully. She could tell this was a sensitive subject for me. “But I know you’re going to make a great dad.”
I wanted to believe her, but I couldn’t. I looked down at my hands, and I saw my own father’s hands. In some ways, by not planning to have this child, wasn’t I going to let them down? And what would the kid turn out like? Some part of me wondered if it had already been decided for me that the child growing in Alicia’s womb would never be able to trust me, the same way I’d never been able to trust my dad.
“I’m finished talking,” I said abruptly. “Come on. Let’s get you to the airport.”
***
In the car, I was gloomy and moody, and Alicia could tell. I could feel an argument brewing between us.
“When will I see you again?” Alicia asked me.
“Not sure,” I responded. “I need to go to Grand Cayman tomorrow.”
“I’ve got the weekend off,” said Alicia. “I could come with you.”
“It’s a business thing. I’m not sure I’d have a lot of time to spend with you.”
“It’s just a thought. I don’t have to.”
“I know you don’t have to,” I muttered.
“Jake,” said Alicia, exhaustedly.
“Fine, I’ll call you before we leave to give you instructions.” I said.
“Well, don’t sound so excited about it,” sighed Alicia. “We’re partners in this. I need to spend some time with you, and find out more about you. Is that really such a big deal?”
I hated to admit it, but it was. Alicia Matlock had crashed into my life. And I didn’t like the idea of a crash.
