AllFreeNovel
Share Us
The first rays of sun hit my skin, and it was almost too much. Too warm, too intense after what felt like years without it. In the early morning light, I brokenly hummedEmpty Chairs at Empty Tablesunder my breath, trying to recall the exact cadence of Bullet’s voice when he’d sung it. It was a song of grief and pain, of sacrifice and futility, of the guilt of surviving.
I’d never been much of a singer, but Bullet had lived a life filled with music, and I’d carry on his traditions until he was back to carry them on himself.
He’d be back. Hewouldbe. He had to be.
God, ithurt, but somehow it didn’t. Like whenever I felt myself inching closer to that sharp blade of devastation, a protective instinct I didn’t know I had shrouded me and pulled me back. It kept me numb, floating through the motions of whatever it was I was supposed to be doing without registering what it was.
I reached for the cup of water someone had given me, knowing logically that I had to stay hydrated, even though I didn’t feel thirsty. There was bread too—when had that gotten here?—and I picked it apart with my fingers, occasionally going through the motions of putting a crumb in my mouth and chewing it until it disintegrated. Eating. Eating was a thing that I was supposed to do.
Someone sat down next to me, close enough to let me know they were there, but not touching me. One of my bonded. Myex-bonded. Without the connection tethering us, I couldn’t tell without looking anymore. I’d never again justknowwhere they were or what they were thinking but not saying. I’d never feel what they felt, what they felt for me, never know if those feelings changed.
Would they? I didn’t love them any less, but maybe I was stupid and naïve to hope that they’d still care about me without the bond forcing them to. Not one of them would have given me—an agathos—a second look if we hadn’t been pushed together. They hadn’t expected this for their lives, hadn’t asked for it.
Maybe they’d been willing to put up with me and everything that camewithme when they’d felt like they didn’t have a choice, but they did now. They could walk away.
They didn’t owe me anything.
That well of agony loomed again, tears that I didn’t want to shed threatening to fall.No, no, think of something else. Anything else.Pretend it’s not happening. Pretend it’s still yesterday, when we were all together and the bonds were strong. When all four of them were unequivocally mine, and I was stupid enough to believe that there was no force strong enough to tear us apart.
I missed being stupid. I’d been happy when I was stupid. Now I knew better, and ithurt.
My hands shook with the effort of containing all the emotions I wasn’t ready to feel. Warm, strong fingers carefully lifted the glass I hadn’t realized I was holding out of my grip, setting it on the table.
If I let myself fall apart, I wasn’t sure I’d ever put myself back together again, and I hadthings to do. There was a gaping pit in what had once been a parking lot that attested to that. Everyone and everything relied on me keeping it together.
“Breathe, Grace.” Dare’s voice was low and even, his palms warm where they rested against the back of my hands.
I was breathing. Wasn’t I? The world was spinning and it was hard to concentrate. The sunlight was too much after so long without it, it was going to my head.
“Breathe with me.” Dare gently tipped my chin up, encouraging me to look at him. He looked agonized, and I realized that those hands on me weren’t as steady as I’d first assumed. “Breathe with me, Grace. I know it feels impossible right now, thateverythingfeels impossible right now, but I promise you, you’ll feel better when you get some air in your lungs.”
Would I? Ididwant to feel better. That sounded nice.
With a painful amount of effort, I focused on the rise and fall of Dare’s chest, regulating my own breath to match. The tight, panicky feeling around my airways eased, so I supposed he’d been right.
Except everything still felt incomprehensibly awful, like I was walking a tightrope above a sea of vicious sharks, but the sharks were me. Or rather, the things inside of me.
“Kiss me,” I demanded hoarsely, barely recognizing myself.
“What?”
“Kiss me. Kiss me and make love to me. Maybe we can get the bond back,” I insisted, talking through the idea as it occurred to me. Maybe that was all we needed to do?
“Grace…”
The hesitancy in his voice was unmistakable.
“Right, right. Sorry, that was a stupid suggestion. I shouldn’t assume that you want—”
“Oh, Iwant,” Dare interrupted, tightening his grip on my jaw. “I want the bond back. I want it even more than I did the first time, knowing what it is that I’ve lost. But you’re very raw and vulnerable right now, Grace. I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret.”
He swiped his thumb under my eye, catching the stray tear that fell.
“Okay,” I replied, my voice hollow. Some part of me registered that he was probably right, and that I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for that. That Dare deserved better than sex as an experiment. Still, the rejection stung. I looked around, belatedly realizing I hadn’t heard Riot or Wild come back yet.
“They’re still not here,” Dare said, swallowing nervously. “Milos hasn’t come back yet either.”
“What if they fell in the pit?” I asked, sitting up straight and pulling away from him. “I wouldn’t know! There’s no connection any more. If they… If they…” I couldn’t say it, couldn’t get the words past the tightness in my throat. “I wouldn’t know.”
