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I rarely drank to inebriation, but tonight seemed like a good time to do it. If nothing else, it would make some of the lingering pain fade away.
Chapter Twenty-Five: Ella
It was scaryto see Devin go off like that, but in hindsight, I was glad it happened. It made it easier to step away from him, to let go of our rapidly developing emotional connection. I’d been falling for him too fast, and his crazy overreaction proved what I’d been telling him all along, that love messed people up. It ruined lives.
He didn’t try to contact me in the days following his outburst, and I did my best to move on. I plunged myself into work, although Leo’s absence made me think of Devin too often. Marc had taken over the project, and he was easy to work for, understanding and intelligent. Best of all, Marc and I didn’t have a complicated past, since I’d never known him before I came to New York. He convinced me to finish out the year when I waffled about leaving, and I decided to stay, since Devin wasn’t bothering me. One week turned to two, two turned to three, and then it had been a month.
Fine. I was glad. Under Marc’s leadership, our team focused heavily on cosmological mapping, and I decided to abandon my forays into the nature of time. Honestly, it was a relief to push it off my plate. I rearranged my research files, burying the time travel ones in a “defunct research” folder, because I’d come to realize the idea was ridiculous. My father could work on time bending all he wanted, but I was done. The next time he called, I had to confess our lab was no longer supporting that line of research.
He was instantly wrought up. “What does that mean, theyaren’t supporting it?”
“It means we’re choosing to focus on cosmological measurement—”
“Measurement?” He cut me off, aghast. “That’s foolish. Pointless. The boundaries of space and time are always changing.”
“It’s because of the new lab they’re building,” I explained. “It’s the most sensitive one yet. We’ll be able to take more gravitational readings, make more comparisons than we could in the past.”
My father laughed. “Yes, let’s measure space. Won’t that make us feel big and important here on our miniscule planet in the middle of an ever-expanding universe? Scientists never focus on what’s important, because they want to measure, and organize, and posit provable theories.”
“You’re a scientist,” I reminded him.
“No, I’m a visionary, and you must be too. Tell your research team that you’ll continue to work on the malleability of time, and if they don’t like it, they can fire you. You can come work here in Munich.”
“Dad, no.” That was all I needed, another flight across the ocean. “Look, I have to go. I was just about to make myself some lunch.”
“Oh!” He went from angry to delighted. “What are you having?”
I opened my fridge, surveying the possibilities. “Maybe a sandwich.”
“Sandwiches are boring, honey. Get that man of yours to take you out.”
I pushed a package of questionable lunchmeat aside and got a soft drink instead. “I stopped seeing him last month. I told you. Remember?”
“You stopped seeing the pilot?”
“I’ve stopped seeing everyone.” I filled my glass halfway with ice, then tipped over the soda can, filling it to the top. “I’m busy with work right now.”
“Oh, Ella. You don’t want to spend your whole life alone.”
“Who are you dating?” I asked, to shut him down before he got going. “You’re spending your life alone.”
I could see him puttering around his apartment, navigating flickering computer screens and books. “No. I have your mother.”
I took a big swig of cola. “Really?”
He was quiet a moment, and I thought of Devin, and love, and what it was like to miss someone you couldn’t get over. I missed Devin every day, even though I’d never admit it, and my love for him didn’t even approach the deep bond my mother and father had forged during their years together.
“Your mother is still out there,” he said when he finally spoke. “She’ll always exist somewhere in the backwards and forwards of time.”
“She’s dead, dad. Mom is dead.” I spoke shrilly, in frustration. “She’s been dead since I was fifteen.”
“No, as long as I love her and seek her, she’s with me,” said my old, lonely, crazy father. “Love is stronger than time. Love is stronger than death.”
Love is a myth. Love is stupid.I didn’t say those things, but I felt them so hard. What was the point? My dad would never change, he’d never stop trying to find his way back to my mother’s side.
“I’m sorry, but I’m not going to work on the time thing anymore,” I said. “I’m just not able to, with work and politics. You know how it is.”
“Sure, honey. It’s okay. But Ella…” He cleared his throat. “I think you should still work on the love thing. It’s more wondrous than any of the scientific projects in the world.”
