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“Red Bull.” She giggles and lifts her glass.
“Jaeger.” Ethan rolls his eyes from where he’s sitting next to some chick I’ve never seen before. He has an arm wrapped around her waist, his hand on her hip.
“Share?” I ask Bianca.
She hands me the cup and I drain it.
When I hand it back to her she leans in. “Want a bump too?”
“Stop doing that shit, B,” I snap at her as I heave myself up onto my elbows. Rebel went down that path for a while with her when they first became friends. I never wanted to. Not after watching mom become more and more reliant on prescription drugs and other shit before we could get her the help she really needed. Better medication along with constant care.
And then I watched Rebel spiral and almost lose everything. Didn’t really feel like I needed the extra help to screw myself over. No, alcohol is my choice of obliteration. Used to be sex. “It fucks with your brain.”
“It’s my life.” She pouts angrily as she untangles herself from me and climbs to her feet. Arms above her head, she sways with the music. “I want to dance.”
“Then go and dance.” Rebel helps me to my feet and steers me past her with a hand to my shoulder. My guess… he’s trying to keep me from fucking up. Literally. Not that I would with Bianca anyway.
Those days are over though. Girls. Groupies. Club bitches. I’m not interested in any of them. Ivy is it for me. He just doesn’t get it yet.
And her not being certain of us… it’s destroying me. Maybe it’s me. I feel too much. Too soon. I’m not the kind of guy who sits back and affects like he isn’t all in when he is. But maybe she isn’t… and I’m just fooling myself because I want her so damn much.
Either way I don’t want to think about it tonight. I don’t want to think at all. I want to drink until I pass out or this day doesn’t suck ass anymore.
Rebel shoves me into an armchair that overlooks the dance floor as the shots girl returns with our order. She unloads the bottles and glasses. Offers to pour.
Rebel takes over.
A cold glass is pushed into my hand. I barely notice as the amber spirit warms a trail to my belly.
Riot drops down next to Ethan and starts playing on his phone. Probably messaging Ro. Or maybe it’s Kelsey. Fucker has no idea what it feels like to be in love. If he did he’d want to do anything to avoid it.
“Summer is coming soon,” Rebel warns me. “She had a client dinner, then she’ll be right over.”
I polish off the drink in my hand. “We’re making it a party now?”
“We’re a family. She’s worried about you.”
“Pour.” I hold out the empty glass.
The weight in my hand changes as he splashes my poison of choice into it. The tequila goes down smooth. “She was scared of me. Screamed at me to go back to hell.”
“Fuck,” he says under his breath. “That bad? It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
“Called me Ruin. Like I destroy everything in my path.” She has always believed I’m the evil twin. It’d be fucking funny if it hadn’t been so horrible to live through. But I can’t seem to turn off the need to check on her like he and Riot do. “What the fuck is wrong with me that I keep turning up for that?”
And I’m doing it with Ivy too. Turning up just to be pushed away. Shut down. Locked out.
I can hear it in my head. This never-ending track of suspicion and desperation running like a harmony in the back of my mind no matter how much I try to quiet it. It’s so loud now. It always is on days like this.
Days where the past and present collide. Days where my doubts are louder than my convictions. I can lie to myself as much as I want… fool the entire world into believing I’m their lovable scoundrel… but I am always going to be broken and desperate on the inside.
Days like this I see myself clearly. I’m not the guy who gets to be happy. Not in the long run. Everything good is only ever temporary. This thing with me and Ivy…One way or the other it will fall apart. It doesn’t matter how hard I fight it.
“One day,” Rebel reminds me as he pours me another drink.
This is how I roll. One day of getting so shit-faced I pass out. One evening of letting it all get in my head. After that it’s back to normal. I steal the bottle away from him. “Stop babysitting me. Go join the others.”
“You sure?” He lays a hand on my shoulder when he stands.
