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“Are there any good days?” He sounds so tired. So sad. “I can’t be the guy who you shut out all the time. I can’t be the guy waiting just in case you decide to love me too. I know how I feel about you, but this… tonight… it was about you too. I’m constantly wondering when you’re going to change your mind about us. When you’re going to choose T Fucking Swift, whoever that is, over me. And hating it, because I want…”
In my chest I sense it… I know what he wants…it’s a fundamental human need to want to be loved. Accepted. Picked first. Chosen for who we are.
We want it and we fear it in equal measures. It has the power to both heal us and hurt us in a way nothing else can.
Especially when we’ve learned that love has conditions or that we aren’t enough to deserve the fullness of it.
We know what it can be. We’ve seen it. Or experienced it on some level. So we hoard our love. We keep it inside ourselves. Protect it by hiding it away. We act like we can’t be hurt, and it hurts anyway. All this running. Always hiding. Always wondering if the us that we’re trying so hard to protect is even worthy of being loved in the first place.
I was lucky. My father loved me, even if he didn’t stand up for me the way I wish he would have. I have Adira who always accepts me. I have made amazing friends. And I have a man who, despite what happened tonight, has done nothing but fight for me.
But I let my doubt cloud my judgement. I let my fear eat me up. Not just over what Alec might do or what could happen if Rogue knew. But about whether I was even enough for Rogue. If I could ever be. Because maybe Nicole is right about me, and I am too difficult to love. Too hard to handle. Too much of all the wrong things.
“Baby.” He touches my face. Traces my cheek bone with his finger. The tip comes away wet and he sticks it to his lips. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You didn’t.” But I sob all the harder. For all the moments we’ve had so far where I’ve held all of me back. For how much I’ve hurt him—really, truly hurt him—without meaning to. Because I’ve been trying to protect myself from that very same heartache.
“I love you,” he says. “I’m sorry. I’m so tired and my head hurts. Tomorrow, we’ll talk about it tomorrow. When I’m not fucked up. When I won’t screw it up… any more than I already have.”
“We’re here,” Will says. “I don’t think we were followed. Do you want help getting him inside?”
“I think I can handle it.” Tonight seems to be a never-ending list of things I didn’t think I could handle but somehow am. How hard can it possibly be to support a six-foot-three, two hundred pound giant up thirty stories? Thank God for the guy who invented the elevator.
Despite my assurance, Will jumps out of the Rover anyway. Opens the door. Helps me get Rogue onto the pavement.
Dizzy rolls down the window. “Call me tomorrow. When you get a chance.”
“Thanks.” For everything. I nod as I lift Rogue’s arm over my shoulders and wrap mine around his waist. The security guy on the door smiles as he holds it open for us. “Hey, Ivy. Nice night?”
“Don’t fucking say her name,” Rogue grumbles into my shoulder. “He’s flirting with you.”
“Sorry, Mac.” I shove Rogue across the brightly polished foyer toward the elevator.
He chuckles. “One of those nights. At least he didn’t bring home any exotic animals. This one time he showed up with a tiger. Had no freaking clue the next day where or how he’d acquired it.”
“So you steal animals when you’re drunk?” I shake my head at Rogue as I prop him against the inside wall of the metal box. “Your brother pees on people and you steal animals. Interesting habits you Maddoxes have picked up.”
“Want a pony, baby?” He grins lazily as he grabs my waist and tugs me against him as the doors slide shut. “I can make that happen.”
“You’re drunk.” I push at his shoulder as his lips find my earlobe.
“Not that drunk.” He scoops me off my feet and loses his balance.
My back hits the wall and I yelp. “You’re crazy. Put me down.”
Heavily hooded eyes and licentious grin, he wraps my arms around his neck. “I got your pony right here, baby. Saddle up and ride me. Giddy up.”
“Oh my God.” I stifle a giggle. Ignore the way my body reacts to his demands. I don’t want to say no to him. I don’t want to push him away. But the fact that he’s wasted enough that all of this evening will be washed away come morning… I can’t. I kiss his cheek instead. Whisper in his ear, “I love you, Rogue Maddox. I love you so much. I’m not going anywhere. As long as you want me. I’ll be right here. Just want me. Just want me, okay? Please don’t ever stop.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Rogue
Hangover? Nothing a little hair of the dog won’t cure.
Memory of yesterday? Visited mom. Blew off Ivy. Got shit-faced.
Baby crocodiles in the bathtub? Mmm, I crack open both eyes and peer sleepily over the rim of the huge porcelain tub while I urinate. Rub gingerly at the back of my head as I wake for more than just my urge to empty my bladder. Apparently no reptiles this time. Thank fuck. Got bitten once. Needed stitches.
