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There’s something wrong in the way he stares at his hands. I go to him. Clasp his face with my hands. “Rogue? What is it? What’s wrong?”
His gaze is unfocused, but then he blinks and he’s back with me. “Baby, what are you doing up? Did I wake you?”
“No.” I force him to maintain eye contact. “You don’t sleep?”
“Ah.” He grabs the back of his neck as he walks away to toss the wraps in a basket. “Not so much anymore. No.”
“Since you found me,” I guess.
“It’s hard to see the woman you love like that and not carry it with you.” He comes back to me with a bottle of water. Opening it, he takes a swallow.
“I’m sorry.” I wring my hands as I watch a drop escape down his jaw and throat. I hate that I’m the reason he’s hurting, even if I don’t quite understand how we got here.
“Don’t you ever say sorry for what happened to you. Or that I made it there in time.” He wraps his arm around me and lifts me up. “Hear me? I would rather have a thousand nightmares than one night without you in my bed.”
“Okay.” I curl my legs around his waist. Rest my head on his shoulder. I love that even after an intense workout he’s so strong he can hold me with one arm.
“And why are you awake?” He nuzzles the side of my head until I turn for his kiss. “Do you need more orgasms? I still have some gas in the tank.”
I smile as my heart grows too big for my chest. It’s like my body doesn’t realize that my mind forgot him. It’s still caught up in the euphoria of my feelings. I can see exactly why I’m drawn to him. “Just a dream.”
“Oh yeah?” He raises a brow at me as he carries me out of the gym. “And what is my baby dreaming about?”
Remembering my dream sobers me. “Blood. So much blood.”
His arm tightens around me. “So a nightmare then.”
“I don’t know,” I whisper. It felt so real. My wrists still hurt and there is a pain in my chest that aches beyond words. What happened to me before Rogue found me that night? “I think I need to go to Narnia.”
“No.” His jaw turns to granite. “That’s not a good idea.”
“I don’t think I have a choice.” It happened in Narnia. I’m having nightmares about the costume closet. Maybe not nightmares… they could be memories. “I have to go back and see it with my own eyes. All of it. I have to face what happened, Rogue.”
He shakes his head compulsively as he lowers my feet to the floor in our bedroom. “You can barely stand to hear your brother’s name spoken. And I can’t… you don’t know what it’s like… seeing you like that.”
My eyes start to burn. “It’s not your decision. It’s mine.”
“Then I’m asking you not to make it.” He strokes his fingers over a lock of my hair as his voice turns low and soft. “Please, baby. You’re traumatized.”
“You don’t have to come with me.” I don’t want him to be hurt by this, but I still have to do it. “I can go alone.”
“No.” The set of his jaw says he’s made this decision. “What if you’re hurt again? Alec is out on bail. Nicole wants to separate us. What if something happens and I’m not there?”
“You can’t make this choice for me.” I try to make him understand. I don’t want him to be angry with me. I don’t want him to be hurt by my choice. I was happy enough not to go when I wasn’t dreaming about the place, but it was never because he kept me from going.
“It’s a bad idea,” he says. “And it’s not happening. You’re not ready—”
“I understand that you’re tormented.” I appreciate that it’s hard for him. I realize that what he saw in that room keeps him up at night. But this could be a good thing for me. It could help me remember. “But you’re being unreasonable.”
“This isn’t about me,” he says sternly. “I’m protecting you.”
“I don’t need you to.” I don’t need to be sheltered by him. Maybe at some point I did. I certainly believed I was weak when it came to Nicole and Alec. Even now, my stomach is a pit when I think about standing up to Nicole. I literally tremble and want to throw up when I think about Alec.
But I’m here, aren’t I? With Rogue. Married to a man who could be the love of my life. The Ivy who ended up in Sunny could never have managed that. Something changed. I feel it.
He swallows hard as he presses his hands to his face. They tremble violently. “I don’t sleep, Ivy. I haven’t slept a full night since I found you. Of course I’m tormented by what I saw.” He huffs. “But you can’t even remember what happened. Your beautiful and intelligent brain has hidden it from you for a reason. Don’t push yourself to recall things that you’re not ready for. That could hinder your recovery. The doctor said—”
“I’m going to Narnia.”
