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He jogs around to crawl in the driver’s side. Covers my knee with his hand as he starts the engine. Bright blue sky is broken up by the shadows of the palm trees. Like the flickering of my nightmares on the edge of my consciousness.
“It’s why I’m so desperate to go to Narnia.” I don’t want to fight. I just want him to understand why it’s so important to me. “Even though it might trigger me.”
“I’d say it’s more of a guarantee that it will trigger you,” he says.
“Fine,” I concede. “Even though it will probably, most definitely, trigger me I have to go to Narnia. If there’s even the slimmest chance that I will remember any of my lost memories, I need to go back.”
He opens his mouth and then closes it. Glances at me and then back to the road. Swallows hard. “Can I have some more time to think about it?”
“You mean it?” I didn’t expect him to consider it. I thought he’d put his foot down again. “You’ll think about it?”
“Yeah, I’ll think about it,” he says begrudgingly.
“Okay.” My chest lightens. It’s not just Narnia. It’s how much I want to believe that what we have is real. That the man I find myself falling for all over again isn’t going to cause me pain or stop me from becoming the me that I feel blossoming inside me. So yes, if he needs to deal with his worries, I can give him that opportunity.
Chapter Twenty-One
Rogue
IvywanderspastasI’m running on the treadmill while listening to a recording I made of the script for my next movie. There’s something about listening to it on repeat that helps me pick up the words and cues until they’re almost second nature.
At the moment I can’t retain a damn thing. Except those memories of Ivy bleeding out on the floor of Narnia. And Nicole’s threat to destroy my world and my family.
My hands shake and I blow out a breath. My lungs grow tighter and tighter. I dig into my reserves and push harder. So far all Nicole’s managed is to turn some of my fans against me and increase the amount of gossip about me. So maybe she’s realized her attempts to keep me and Ivy apart are futile.
My steps pound on the mat as Ivy walks past again. This time with a strand of her hair between her lips and her gaze locked on her phone.
My girl is bored. Lonely, without Adira. Waiting for me to agree to take her to Narnia.
I slap my palm on the stop button and the treadmill powers down and my steps slow until the matt stops rolling under my feet. I’m drenched in sweat and my shirt is soaked so I whip it off as soon as I hit the bedroom and toss it in the hamper in the bathroom.
It’s been days since I told her I’d think about taking her there. I told her I’d do anything for her, and I meant it. I never figured I’d be the guy to fall in love, but I’m in so deep with her I don’t think I could ever climb out of it even if I wanted to. Hell, even this foot-in-mouth marriage bullshit has me wanting to make it the real deal. I fucking fantasize about putting a ring on it. The ring I picked out… the one I bought that is supposed to be the fakest of the fake… I chose that beauty like it would spend a lifetime on her finger.
I turn on the tap and shut off my thoughts about marriage as I stand under the cold water and shiver until it warms up. There’s no point in daydreaming about what could be when she can’t even remember what was. And when she does… what if we can’t come back from that? What if I ruined everything and I was too late to truly fix it?
She thinks Narnia will help with her memories. But the way she reacts every time I bring up her brother doesn’t give me confidence that taking her back there is the right thing to do. I’m petrified that it will only make things worse.
I almost lost her. I could still lose her. It doesn’t get any easier to swallow. I start soaping up in an attempt to break up the mental paralysis that wants to take over. Rinse off and scrub myself with a towel on autopilot. Surely at some point this blind panic has to ease up.
Wrapping the terry cloth around my hips, I leave the bathroom with no solution to the personal apocalypse that seems so inevitable it fills me with a fear akin to the buzzing of hundreds of angry bees.
It’s been almost two weeks since I brought her home. She’s here with me now. She’s safe. Protected from Alec who can’t do anything without it being big news now that he’s on trial.
Safe from Nicole, as far as I can tell.
When does it stop feeling like I can’t breathe? I exchange terry cloth for clean jeans and grab a T-shirt from a freshly pressed stack. When will I stop waiting for the other shoe to drop? It seems like there’s always a storm on the horizon. And Nicole went to a lot of trouble to get between us. Too much for her to give up as easily as she seems to have. I almost wish time would speed up just so I can deal with whatever that bitch is planning.
Ivy is lying on her stomach on the bed and the moment my gaze lands on her the buzzing sensation quiets and the weight on my chest eases.
She glances over her shoulder at me and uses one hand to push her glasses up her nose. “Why are you smiling like that?”
“Because… you have no idea how sexy you are right now, do you?”
She’s wearing an off-the-shoulder top with the tiniest pleated, blue tartan skirt that gives me the best view of her legs and a hint of her ass cheeks. It teases me with how easily I could slide my hand under the material to palm those round globes and slide my fingers between her thighs to tease her pussy.
I shouldn’t smile because she’s cute and sexy and on my bed. I should feel like an asshole for not following through with what she needs from me. So maybe it’s time I took her there. Maybe I need to stop being a little bitch about taking her to Narnia and give her the chance to remember. Even if that means she might freak out.
Even if it means giving her the chance to realize that everything that has happened to her is partly my fault. Yeah, deep down in the dark part of my mind that little voice is telling me it’s only a matter of time before she realizes I’m the reason she almost died. If I’d only forgiven her the way she did me, she wouldn’t be dealing with broken bones and bruises that take forever to fade.
