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I gasp at my reflection. At the bright hue of feathers and frills where the front of the cream skirt used to be. I swish my hips this way and that. The extra material is buttoned up into a bustle and then becomes part of the train. “It’s incredible.”
“It’s by Danica Garfield. She created it just for that day.” He puts his hands on my hips and swallows hard while he gazes down at me.
Suddenly I can imagine him in a Karl Lagerfeld suit while some wedding officiant declares us husband and wife. He must have been so handsome in a jacket precision cut to fit his wide shoulders. Did he have the same bright-eyed look on his face? Was the emotion raw and honest in his eyes like it is now?
His lips quirk in the corners almost as if we’re both thinking the same thoughts. “Is it weird that I’m nervous right now?”
“I don’t think so.” My stomach is full of nerves and the tips of my fingers tingle in his grip.
“Good.” He smiles wider and it makes him appear more boyish than I’ve seen him in the time that I’ve been with him.
When it comes to an emotional connection, two weeks can feel like a lifetime, can’t it? Even if I can’t remember, it feels like I’ve known him in another life. Which makes sense. “It must have been perfect.”
“Uh.” He runs a hand through his hair as he steps back. “Maybe I should help you take off the dress now.”
“Adira was there with the rest of the queens, right?” I hold my hair out of the way as he starts to tug the ribbon loose. “Your family too.”
“They were.” He leans down and places a kiss on my shoulder that makes my belly flutter.
“Tell me about it. Please. Tell me like we’re there right now.”
“Well…” His fingers still momentarily but then begin moving again, loosening the bodice bit by bit. “That means we’re at the Heart ranch.”
“Summer’s family’s place?” She mentioned it earlier tonight over dinner when she was telling us that all six of her brothers would be visiting for Christmas since she hadn’t been able to make time to go see them. When I’d shown an interest she had opened up the photo gallery on her phone and shown me pictures of an idyllic horse and cattle ranch in Kansas.
Rogue nods. “It’s beautiful there. Secluded. Far from the media if we plan it just right.”
Which of course we did. There are no photos of our wedding anywhere public. “You’re wearing a suit.”
“Navy blue tuxedo by Karl Lagerfeld,” he murmurs as his baby blues catch my gaze in the mirror. “Because it’s your favorite color. My brothers stand with me too.”
“I can picture it.” It’s exactly what I envision when I think about him as my groom. Him standing at the end of the aisle with his brothers beside him. He tugs on his cufflinks as Adira sashays down the silk runner. “Adira is my bridesmaid. He’s wearing something elegant and understated.”
“Except for his jewelry.” Rogue chuckles.
He’s so right. It’s clear as day. Adira would wear fabulous and colorful jewelry. In my mind I step into the aisle behind him. A cascading bouquet in purples and blue in my hands as Rogue and I lock eyes for the first time that day. My heart flutters. “Then I’m next.”
“L.A. Riot plays an instrumental piece they prepared just for this moment. Our moment. In front of our family and friends and all of the queens.” His voice has grown raspy. “But the only person I can see is you. And when you get to me you pass your pretty flowers off to Adira and you take my hands…”
I blink back tears as he finishes with the ribbons and gravity puddles the dress at my feet. I wish I could remember it. Feel the way I felt as I stopped in front of him and handed my bouquet off to Adira so that Rogue could clasp my hands in his. “I must have been happy.”
I must have felt like I had finally found the place I truly belonged. Where I was protected but independent. Otherwise I wouldn’t have gone through with it. So maybe we had teething problems. Kinks to work out.
“We are happy, baby.” Rogue swallows thickly as I turn to face him.
I think he’s trying so hard to believe that. It’s why he hates telling me anything that might hurt us. But I can’t ignore the elephant in the room for one more night. If we’re ever going to be okay I have to know… “Why did we break up?”
“Is this really what you want to talk about tonight?” He rubs the bridge of his nose. “Wasn’t Narnia enough?”
“Why did I leave you?” It pains to ask. It’s like a chasm inside my chest that deepens every time he tells me to wait or changes the topic. Because when I don’t think about it… when I’m with him… I am happy. I am loved. I do have real feelings.
But this thing that we’re avoiding… it’s crushing me. How can I be all in when I don’t have all of the facts? “Please, just tell me.”
He takes a long time to answer. So long that I start to believe that he won’t. I’m getting ready to step over the dress and escape from the room when he finally clears his throat. “You left me because I told you to.”
“W-what?” Of all the responses… I’ve imagined this moment over and over and he has never uttered those words.
His mouth slackens and he drags his hand through his hair. A heavy breath caves his chest. “We were happy and then you told me about Alec. You forgave me for that kiss and then you told me that bastard is your brother.”
