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We fall silent as we go back to watching the movie.
There are still so many things I don’t know about what my relationship with Rogue truly was before I tried to kill myself. It hurts my heart to think about how devastated I must have been when he broke up with me. How lonely and lost I had to have felt without the carefully constructed walls I normally kept in place to keep my heart safe.
It doesn’t exactly hurt less when I think about never seeing him again. Of following through on what Nicole wants from me. And why am I thinking about it? Because I want to protect him even if that means we can’t be together. Just like he wanted to keep me safe by pretending we were married.
I don’t really think that’s it. I’m not blind to his flaws or my own. Or the way we’re so fundamentally alike despite our differences. It’s part of what makes us so good together. We understand each other in a way no one else does.
“Tell Rogue you love him. You truly do. You don’t need your memories to know that. He might have been an asshole, but he’s your asshole, you know? Like whatever stupid, overprotective bullshit he pulls, it’s because of how much he loves you.”
“I know he does.” And the idea of not having him in my life is so unthinkable that I can only handle it as some semi-abstract notion that leaves me numb. It was foolish of me to believe that taking time was anything more than putting off the inevitable.
“They make us so angry sometimes, don’t they?” She grabs my hand and holds onto it. “Like you could go and cut their brakes. Just let all that brake fluid leak out and hope they’re on a hill when it does.”
“That’s dramatic.” I laugh.
“Isn’t it?” She grins and then releases my fingers. “Are you going to forgive him?”
“There’s nothing to forgive,” I say. “It’s more complicated than that.”
“More complicated? Like, you’re actually related to each other complicated?” She makes air quotes with her fingers. “Secretly.”
“Well, no.” How often can that possibly happen that it would be her first guess?
“He killed someone?”
“Um, I’m a little scared that this is the line you’re choosing to pursue.” I smile at how ridiculous her suggestions are. And I need something to smile about. “It’s nothing like that.”
“Then what could possibly be so bad that you’re willing to put that man on ice when you love him the way I see you do?”
“It’s Nicole,” I say. “Things have progressed.”
Her blue eyes harden. “What do you mean they’ve progressed? Have you gone to the police about her threats? Does Rogue know?”
My stomach lurches and I have to press the back of my hand to my lips and concentrate until the sensation passes. Then I haul myself up from the couch. “I’m sorry. I can’t talk about this right now. I think I should go and lie down.”
“Oh, I see. You’re the asshole, aren’t you?” she asks softly. The tub of popcorn she was holding tips on its side and spills puffed corn all over the couch as she stands. “You’re the one protecting him by taking space. You can’t help yourself. You’ve been taught to do whatever it takes to make everyone else happy.”
“What?” I’m shocked at the disappointment in her voice. And while she’s not wrong about who I am at my core, she is wrong to think that this break was to protect him. He made me believe we were married. He made me fall in love with him all over again. For what? Nicole won’t let us be happy. It can only end in heartbreak, and I’m scared I’m not strong enough to go through it again. I have scars on my wrists that are still a fresh reminder of what heartbreak feels like.
“If there were no consequences, what would you choose? Would you be with Rogue or not?”
“I would be with him.” It’s not a question. It never was. I love him. Always will.
“So why are you letting her get in your head?” Dizzy demands.
“Because she’s made it clear she will never let us be together.”
“No, she’s been clear that she thinks you’re still too weak to fight for your own happiness. And you’re proving her correct.” She grasps my arm and strokes my hair out of my face with her free hand. Her smile is bitter. “I thought that was changing.”
“You thought…? Who are you to think that I should change?” I’m not too weak. Not anymore.
But I am afraid. Oh God, is it the same thing?
I try not to let my voice shake as I say, “I thought you were supposed to be my friend.”
Her lips turn down in the corner. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I just want you to be as happy as I am.”
There’s a masculine throat clearing before Jackson speaks. “I’ll ask you to take your hands off Miss Love, please.”
