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I ended up at the water’s edge, the rain pounding down on me, water washing down my face, my whites already soaked clear through.
There wasn’t another soul in sight, neither on the lake nor onshore, not even one of the McNamara pussies at their marina next door.
As much as I wanted to blow off everything my brother had said, that bit about the past… It was jabbing at me.
I’d fucked up with Ava before. I could one-hundred-percent admit that. I’d wanted to marry her then, for fuck’s sake, but instead, I’d dumped her? What kind of sense did that make?
A fuck lot of sense if you stopped to consider what made me do it.
Fear. Of not being good enough. Of screwing it up. Of losing her later down the road, when it would allegedly hurt more.
If I was honest, the only thing that got me through the pain of breaking up with Ava the first time had been that the Navy worked my ass so hard I didn’t have time to mourn the loss. I’d been too damn tired at night to lie there and let it burrow in too deeply.
Now here I was, seventeen years later, and had I learned a damn thing? Was I still just as stupid and fearful?
Seemed like it, because I’d just let the best part of my life go without a fight. I’d let fear convince me there were no options other than letting Ava go back to LA.
But maybe there were options.
As much as it chafed me to admit Seth might have had some decent suggestions, he had. If it meant having Ava in my life, I could try long-distance. I could try splitting our time, some here, some in LA. I wouldn’t care what bed I woke up in as long as I woke up next to Ava.
The question was, could I convince Ava I was worth it? We were worth it? Did she care enough about me to make room in her California head-writer life for me? Or had she already moved on?
As the noise in my head calmed and made room for a glimmer of hope, I lifted my head to the sky and let it rain down on me, turning over my options. It was vital that I spoke to Ava in person. The sooner the better.
I turned back to the restaurant and made my way toward the side door, standing under the overhang as I took out my phone. I scrolled to my pilot brother-in-law’s contact info and tapped his number, hoping he answered.
“Hey, Zane,” I said when he did. “I have a giant favor to ask.”
Chapter24
Ava
Late Monday morning, I parked my car in the garage under my apartment building and killed the engine.
I sat there staring at the ugly concrete wall in the dim light. The underground parking had been my one nod to safety since the place I could afford wasn’t in a spectacular neighborhood. Because this was LA. Not Dragonfly Lake, where people didn’t break into cars or steal them.
Dragonfly Lake people also didn’t spend a significant percentage of their life stuck in traffic. Two days back here and my jaw already hurt from clenching it and yelling at stupid drivers.
I’d gone into the doggy daycare this morning to quit, and it’d been weird. Even though I liked and respected Mrs. Cassidy, the owner, just fine, I’d had a harder time saying goodbye to the dogs than the humans. I got the feeling Mrs. Cassidy wasn’t too surprised or upset to see me go either, as she’d kindly told me not to worry about working the rest of this week. She’d already hired an extra person, so they were good without me.
I thought of the teary goodbye Friday evening with Magnolia, noting the two were night and day. I’d worked for Mrs. Cassidy for almost two years and had only known Magnolia for a month, but the ties back in Tennessee were stronger. I suspected that’s just how a small town was.
Naturally, thoughts of that small town sent my mind straight to Cash. My lids lowered as the ongoing ache in my chest intensified.
Saturday I’d cried my eyes out, and unfortunately, I hadn’t been able to wait till I was home to do that, silently blubbering my way through both legs of my flight and the Dallas airport, as well as the Uber ride to my apartment.
Yesterday I’d picked up my phone a thousand times to text Cash about something, anything. Little things. Big things. Funny things. Hunger. And a killer craving for hummingbird cake. Or maybe it was really just a killer craving for him. But we’d agreed not to be in touch daily. Only for the big things.
God, I missed him.
For the zillionth time this morning, I wiped tears from my eyes, took a deep breath, and reminded myself I had my big-girl panties on today.
I might need to go online and buy a whole case of big-girl panties.
Each time I got sad about Cash, I forced my brain to thoughts of Stream and my new job. Some of the time I was able to summon that rush of excitement and optimism about the opportunity.
After quitting the dog job, I’d decided to drive to the Stream studio, where I had an appointment to fill out paperwork on Wednesday and I’d be reporting for work starting next week. I didn’t have a lot of other things pressing me for time, and I’d wanted to look at it, let it soak in that I’d be working there.
