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Haven’t gone to work. Haven’t showered. Haven’t really done anything except sulk in Xander’s spare bedroom, questioning how I seem to have the worst luck when it comes to relationships and love.
Knock, knock.
Rolling over, I tug the blankets up to my chin, knowing Xander is coming in whether I tell him to or not. The white wood door creaks as it opens, his sock-covered feet barely making a sound as he crosses the room, then the bed dips as he sits on the edge. He doesn’t say anything for long moments, probably wondering how best to deal with me.
“You need to get up today. Maybe take a shower and get out of the house.” There isn’t an ounce of judgement woven between his words, and I love him for it. If anyone understands what it’s like to always be an option, latching onto the first person who shows them the time of day, it’s him. He recently went through a break-up, too. It was much more civil than mine, but still stings regardless, I’m sure.
Rolling over so I’m facing him, I groan noncommittally.
Something in his expression softens as he takes me in. “You can’t let him do this to you, man.” When I say nothing, looking up at the ceiling, he continues. “I love you, Trav, I do. But I think it’s time I give you some tough love for your own good.”
My gaze leaves the ceiling to lock with his. I don’t say anything, but he knows I’m listening.
“For as long as I’ve known you, which at this point is close to a decade, you’ve always settled, accepted the bare minimum from men. You gotta fucking stop that shit, man.” Letting out an exasperated sigh, he rakes his fingers through the mop of brown hair atop his head. “I don’t know why you do this, or why you so clearly don’t see your own worth, but it’s time to stand tall, dust your damn shoulders off, and move on. And I don’t mean with another temporary fix. You let Nathaniel walk all over you, and you were so in the clouds, you couldn’t even see it. He’d constantly go out, stay out all hours of the night without so much as a heads-up text. He was always flirting with people right in front of your face, then gaslighting you when you confronted him. You deserve so much better. If there’s anything I’ve learned in the past six months, it’s that maybe it’s best to leave college relationships in college. Live and learn.”
Swallowing around the tightness in my throat, I listen to him tell me everything I should already know. “You’re a catch.” “The right man will treat you with the respect you deserve.”
Blah, blah, blah.
I know I deserve better than what I accept.
I know I should be patient and wait for someone who is good for me, not toxic.
But being nothing but second best your entire life, it’s easier to accept simply having someone’s attention, so you’re not alone. It’s easier to see the good in someone when they’re rolling around in the sheets with you, looking at you like you’re the only one they see, than knowing you’re not good enough to be someone’s first choice. Trust me, I did my fair share of sleeping my way through college. Grindr hook-ups, frat parties that end with me sweaty and horizontal with someone who I mean nothing to… but it got old. I was trying to fill a void, trying to find love in the wrong places.
It was easier to take what I could get. It’s why when Nathaniel came around, I held on to him and was okay looking past his flaws—flaws I probably should’ve run from years ago.
“Listen, I talked to your sister, and she’s on her way over.”
“Wha—”
Holding up a hand, he continues, cutting me off. “She’s on her way over, and the two of you are going to spend the afternoon apartment hunting. And no, before you even try to say it, it isn’t because I don’t want you here. It’s because finding a place for yourself will help you heal. It’s the first step in moving on.”
When I make no move to get up, he stands, ripping the blankets off me.
“Jesus Christ, man. You’re fucking ripe.” Waving a hand in front of his nose, he adds, “Now get the fuck up and take a shower. She’ll be here in twenty.”
* * *
Downtown Desert Creek in January is a frigid bitch. It hasn’t snowed yet this season, but I know it’s coming. Hot puffs of air form white clouds in front of me as Charlotte and I walk along the sidewalk.
“You want to talk about it?” My sister has always been too intuitive for her own good. That said, I do think Xander filled her in on my situation.
“Not really,” I mumble, shoving my hands into my pockets.
In my peripheral, I see her glance over at me, but I don’t dare look. She has this innate ability to get people to spill their guts, whether they want to or not. She’s like a leopard—avoid eye contact at all costs or else she pounces.
“Okay, well, when you’re ready,” she mutters softly, but leaves it at that. “I found three nice choices for us to check out. They’re all within a five-mile radius of your work, and not too overpriced.”
We stop in front of a new looking white building. It’s small, compared to other apartment complexes, sitting on the street next to a Dutch bakery and a Starbucks. Glancing over at Charlotte, her green eyes sparkle as she offers me a small smile, presumably meant to be reassuring.
The place isn’t half bad. It looks clean and well kept. There’re elevators, which is nice since the available unit is on the third floor. It’s got hardwood floors, with only carpet in the bedrooms—there are two—and the kitchen looks renovated, with granite countertops and stainless-steel appliances. Even the stove is gas powered, which is another plus.
“Whatcha think, Trav?” Charlotte comes up behind me, looping her arm through mine.
“It’s nice.” It’s not the four-bedroom house with a yard I just bought, but I don’t say that. “I’ll take this one.”
Her eyes widen. “Really? Don’t you want to see the other two?”
