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“Says man, not God. Would God condone our wars for greedy men?” I didn’t think so. I couldn’t believe God would give us a pass.
“Only God can condemn us, but a man speaks on his behalf.”
“How can a man know the mind of god?” I’d let him condemn me if it meant another taste. But I daren’t suggest such blasphemy.
“If you don’t believe in the Pope speaking on behalf of God, more of this falls apart than you’d like. We have to have faith.”
“I guess the faith part has always been hard for me.”I hadn’t had faith in anyone since that night. Not the system, not the government, not the betrayal served by our families.
“Would you like a more harsh penance?”he asked, coldly.
“Yes.”
“Is that for personal satisfaction or because you think your soul needs it?”
“Is there a difference?”I swallowed, all the ways he could punish me filling my mind.
“Of course there is. Punishment isn’t for personal satisfaction.”
“Can it be both?” I asked, not wanting to lie to him. This box was the only place I was honest.“Shouldn’t penance make us feel better?” I sickly twisted the use to my own design, and I was sure he’d see through it.
“I don’t think there are rules, child.”His answer was unexpected.
“I’m not a child anymore.” I pressed my forehead into the screen. I hadn’t been since we were fifteen years old.
“We are all children of God.”
“I don’t feel like it.”
“What would you like me to call you if not child? We are all lambs to the great Shepherd.”
“I don’t feel like a lamb either. I feel like I was made a lion and there is no way back.”Who could make me get on my knees as the monster I was?
“You will always be a little lamb to me.” He paused for a moment. “Isn’t that why you make the drive here week after week?”
“What?”
“To regain your stolen innocence from you.” His words were careful. I hated that he could never be careful with me. Not after I felt how violent his love could be.
“Not the innocence. The love.” My head snapped up as I tried to meet his eyes in the low light. “I didn’t think you wanted to remember me.”
“I don’t think there are many who’ve forgotten you, little Lamb.”
“You, not those people.”
“I choose to remember.”
“Is that allowed in your profession, Father?”I asked, dying to see more than a shadow of his face, needing his expression to confirm the truth in his words.
“I think God understands we were human before we were priests.”
“And when you become priests that all goes away? It can’t just vanish. You don’t miss any of it?”
“I miss it. We all suffer with temptation.” His jaw flexed, or maybe it was a trick of the flickering candles.
“And how do you resist, because I can’t.”I’d used so many people trying to find the quiet he brought to my mind, but none accomplished the task.
“Prayer and grace and sometimes—we sin.” His voice broke on the last and I risked, for the first time since stumbling into this church, moving around the screen to take the seat in front of him.
