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“In this case one is blasphemy while the other will save your soul.”
“Can I confess after my transgression and be forgiven?”
“I told you you could.”
“I want to sin,” I admitted.
“Me too.” His admittance came in a whisper like he hid even from god.
I clung to the power I held in his admittance. Therein lay the real sin. The high I chased, finally born to me in knowing he wanted me as much as I wanted him.
“Is it a sin to admit?” I asked.
“No. We’ve done no wrong wanting a part of us we were forced to abandon.” His voice was barely above a whisper, but the acoustics of the old building carried it, and amplified it.
Good thing we were alone.
“Is imagination sinful?” Because if it was, I sinned every time I sat before him.
“No, even the best of humanity has intrusive thoughts.” Anthony’s words didn’t reassure me.
“What about fantasies?”
“Do you often have such fantasies?” Anthony ventured closer.
“Yes. Frequently.” Daily. Hourly. Sometimes they were my only comfort in a sea of darkness. My only connection with my humanity. They reassured me that I still breathed. Still had desires of the flesh and hadn’t turned into just a cog in the machine of war and industrialization.
“Do they bring you comfort?” How had he guessed? Was he as uncomfortable as I was? I hoped so, for the worst reasons. Was my mind so open to this man? I pulled in on myself, suddenly exposed and raw. Maybe there was no hiding in front of God or his servants.
“Should I confess them before I even commit the act?” Was the thought alone enough of a sin to burn what was left of my soul?
“If you seek forgiveness for thoughts, you may, but repentance means an attempt at avoiding such sins.” Closer still he came, and I was sure it would be to his ruin or mine.
“It sounds like you’re saying if I’m thinking it, I might as well act because God will judge me the same.” My cock stirred under my slacks. The only pair I own, reserved for my weekly drive to church.
“I would never advise to follow the path of sin,” Anthony said carefully.
“Do you think of sinning often?” I asked, taking comfort in the shared human urges. But more than that, I selfishly wanted the answer.
“Far too often for a man of God, but we are weak in the face of the devil’s temptation. My journey, like any other man’s, is to resist in the face of salvation.” Anthony slipped into the pew and sat.
“And what if salvation doesn’t exist?” I asked, doubt driving half of my choices in life.
“We have to have faith in the face of doubt, little lamb. It’s all that separates us from the damned.” He chanced a glance and met my gaze.
“Are desires of the flesh worth damnation?” Because I would sink into sin so fast with him.
“Maybe so. I cannot make that choice for you, Finley. I can only seek to guide you to the light.”
I dropped my head to my hands. Was it so wrong to seek comfort from another man? I was sure he would tell me so, but the knowledge didn’t make me want it any less.
“Do you want to discuss your thoughts? It doesn’t have to be a confession, priests are often used as counselors.”
“You don’t want to know.” Was I the devil if I temped him into sin?
“I do, Finley. Let me carry some of the burden for you.” His sincerity hurt worse, knowing what I was about to do to him.
“I want to commit transgressions against God and against you. I want to break your vows and desecrate this holy temple.” I met his eyes as I said the words. Firm and unwavering. I wanted him to feel them as much as I’d suffered with them.
