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“I don’t wish my mother ill. Their deaths were punishment.”
He laughed, letting the monster bleed into it. “Not enough. Not nearly.” And it was justified. My mother had never been motherly, but she hadn’t beat me within an inch of my life when her mood turned like Anthony’s father had.
Any time they caught us whispering or looking at each other across the room. How he screamed slurs at Anthony and stomped every last soft thing out of him. But his father misjudged my dedication to loving a monster. I liked him better for it. Every bruise Anthony gave me was cherished because they were given with love. Starved for affection, I’d lick Anthony’s blood off a knife if he commanded it.
We fell into silence, but a comfortable one. He finished his tasks but I didn’t sit, instead moving with him. Parallel to him. He on the outside me on the inside, both towards the altar. He cast a glance over his shoulder.
“Are you not praying tonight?” he asked.
“I’m here, isn’t that enough?”
“Tonight it can be,” he agreed, finishing the line of candles, casting the church in harsh light. His face in shadow, deepening his features. “Are you here for confession then?”
I was here to see him. I was always here to see him. “Confession ended an hour ago. I’m surprised to find you still here.” I expected him long left for the rectory.
“I sat vigil.”
“Is it a holy day?” We’ve been raised catholic, but my brain had long purged such dates from memory.
“For you.”
“You waited?” I smiled, stepping foot into the transept around the front of the pews.
“I look forward to our time.” He bowed to the altar and took a step toward me.
My smile widened. “The best part of my week.”
“No rest for my little lamb.”
“Your lamb? Do you mean God’s?” I asked.
“Tonight I mean mine.” His words were firm, no room for interpretation.
“Will you let the monster out tonight?” I took another step towards him, but he didn’t move.
“I don’t know if I can hold it back any longer.”
My heart quickened, but I didn’t move.
We stared across the vast church, both of us waiting, my stomach in my throat. I didn’t dare speak and break the moment. I would wait forever until he was ready. I’d waited half a lifetime already.
“Come here,” he said at last.
I moved before his word had fully registered.
“No.” He snapped.
I froze.
“On your knees.”
I dropped.
“Crawl.”
5
ATONEMENT
