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It should never have happened.
He’d completely taken me by surprise the first time it had happened. The second his lips had touched mine, I knew I should push him away, but I didn’t. I was helpless to resist, dying to know how he tasted, how his mouth would move against mine, to give myself a tiny glimpse of everything I wanted but could never have. Then I’d made it worse by blurting out the suggestion we should kiss again. What the fuck had I been thinking? When I’d finally gathered the strength to break away from him, he’d shrugged off the whole thing. What had been a life-changing moment for me had been nothing but a friend helping another friend out for him.
“You okay?” Ander glanced at me as he indicated to switch lanes. We were almost back at LSU, and I could see the sign for student parking up ahead. “You’ve been quiet this weekend.”
Fuck. I thought I’d hidden it. I thought I’d been acting normally.
“I’m okay,” I said eventually. “Tired, mostly.”
He took his hand off the gearstick to give my leg a brief squeeze. Ander was a tactile person, always initiating contact without even thinking about it, having no clue that his touch lit me up inside. “Why don’t we get a takeaway and watch Netflix in my bedroom? You can take it easy. I’ll even use my magic hands on you if you want.”
Getting a massage from Ander, just the two of us alone in his bedroom, wasn’t a great idea with my current state of mind. “That sounds good, but I’m going to meet up with Noah.” Neither of those statements was untrue. It did sound good—just completely inadvisable, and I’d texted Noah earlier, asking if he was free. Of all my friends, he was the one that I felt the most comfortable confiding in. I confided in my housemate JJ too, to an extent, but because he was good friends with both me and Ander, I found it difficult to bring up my Ander-related issues with him.
“Alright.” He swung the car into a parking space and then turned off the engine. “But if you need anything, text me. Okay?” I nodded, and he smiled at me. “In that case, I’m gonna see if any of the football team want to get a drink tonight. But you’re my priority, so if you need me, I’ll be there. Bros before hoes and all that. Dicks before chicks.”
“Dicks before chicks,” I repeated, smirking. “That sounds like my kind of night.”
He lightly punched me in the shoulder with a laugh. “Yeah, yeah. Have you ever thought about fucking a girl?”
“What?” I stared at him, caught off guard. “A girl? How many years have we been friends? Has it escaped your notice that I’m gay?”
The corners of his lips kicked up in amusement. “I know. Just a question.”
Shaking my head at him, I huffed out a breath. “I can tell you, hand on heart, that I’ve never once entertained thoughts of being with a girl.” Just to get the point across, I gave a dramatic shudder, making him laugh again, which in turn made me smile. “Where did that question come from?”
He shrugged. “Just curious. Of all the things we’ve talked about over the years, I don’t think I’ve ever asked you that.”
“Well, it’s never going to happen.” I laughed, playfully nudging him with my elbow. “What about you, then? Have you ever thought about fucking a guy?”
There was a weighted pause, and then he said, “Yeah…I think I might want to try it.”
I choked on nothing. That wasnotthe response I’d expected. When I’d recovered from what might have been a close brush with a heart attack, I stared at him, open-mouthed, my heart racing. “You what? Where did that come from?”
Tapping his finger to his lip, he thought for a minute. “I liked kissing you at the bar. I guess it made me wonder if I’m missing out, restricting myself to girls only.” His eyes widened, and he thrust his finger out, pressing it against my chest. “E! You can help me! You can be my gay guru. Show me the best places to find good-looking guys who want a piece of this.”
My chest tightened, a lump appearing in my throat so fast that I couldn’t choke it back. I yanked my sunglasses down from the top of my head, covering my eyes.
Of all the things…
What the fuck did I do? I’d been in love with him for so long, and I’d trained myself not to react every time he was with a girl. But a boy? And Ander…he was so gorgeous with his perfect gym body and sculpted features that he would have zero problems getting male attention.
When I eventually managed to speak, I shook my head, staring resolutely out of the front windscreen. “I don’t think I can do that.”
He gripped my chin, turning my head to face him. I was so lucky that my sunglasses were dark. “Why not?” Hurt threaded through his tone. “You’re my best friend, E. You’re the one person I trust to advise me on this kind of shit.”
I couldn’t tell him the full truth, that the thought of helping him out was the worst and best torture I could ever think of, so I admitted something to him that I knew he was already aware of. “Remember that I’m nowhere near as experienced as you. Please don’t ask me to do this.” My cheeks heated, although I knew it was nothing to be embarrassed about. It wasn’t like there was a rush to do anything, and I’d never been interested in casual sex. I needed an emotional connection. Kisses, yes, and even very occasional handjobs and blowjobs in a darkened corner or the club loos, but anything intimate…actually baring myself to someone…I’d never been able to contemplate that with anyone. Anyone except my best friend.
His brow furrowed as he pursed his lips. “Maybe we can both try this out together. Be each other’s wingmen?”
“No.” My tone was final. Abso-fucking-lutely not.
Sliding his thumb across my jaw, he gave me a soft look that was almost too much. “Sorry, E. I would never push you to do something you’re uncomfortable with. I know that you’re not into casual…like I am, I guess. I just want you to be happy.”
I pulled back from his touch, unclipping my seat belt. There was only one thing I needed right now, and that was to get out of the car and away from my best friend so I could get my head around everything he’d just disclosed and regroup.
The second I was out and slamming the door behind me, I exhaled shakily. How had everything gone so wrong in the space of a few days?
Ander’s door also slammed, and then a few seconds later, I was wrapped in his arms, my face buried in his shoulder. My sunglasses were digging into the side of my nose painfully, but I didn’t attempt to move. Instead, I sighed, accepting the warmth of his hug. “I am happy,” I mumbled. “I just can’t be what you need me to be.”
