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“Not that I’m complaining about finding a hot boy waiting for me in my bed, but what the actual fuck are youdoing here?”
I blinked my eyes open, groaning at the brightness. When my surroundings came into focus, everything came rushing back. I was in JJ’s room, and last night, I’d…well, I was still feeling exactly the same way as I had been then. A lot in love and a lot freaking the fuck out.
“The snail’s all alone,” was the first thing that came out of my mouth, and JJ’s brows shot up. He propped his hands on his hips, eyeing me incredulously.
“You’re telling me that you slept in my bedroom to keep a snail company, who, by the way, isn’t even mine?”
“Whose is it?”
JJ waved his hand in the air dismissively. “I’m looking after it for a friend for a couple of weeks while he has the time of his life in Thailand. He’s out there by the pool, living his best gay life drinking cocktails and dicking down hot boys while I’m stuck here in cold, rainy London with— No, don’t sidetrack me. Why are you here really? It’s not the snail, is it?”
“I came up here last night to talk to you, but you weren’t back. I must’ve fallen asleep.” Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes, yawning. “Did you only just get home?”
He smirked at me. “Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, babe, I don’t kiss and tell.”
“You bloody well do, you liar.”
“Okay, okay, I do. Sometimes. But not this time. Let’s just say that maybe I had a good time at the club after you’d gone.” His smirk faded, and he huffed, folding his arms across his chest. “Again, stop sidetracking me. What’s the matter?”
Drawing up my knees, I buried my head in my arms so that I didn’t have to see his face. I gritted my teeth, forcing the words from my lips. “Nothing much. Just that I realised that I’m completely head over fucking heels in love with Elliot.”
A shocked gasp came from JJ, and then the next minute, I felt the mattress sink under his weight, and he placed his hand on my shoulder, rubbing gently. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I’m more sure about this than I ever have been about anything, probably. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m drowning.”
“Can I ask you a question, just so I have it straight in my head? Are you panicking because you’ve fallen in love with a guy or because it’s Elliot?”
“The second,” I said instantly. “The fact that he’s a guy is irrelevant to me. It’s because he’s my best friend and the most important person in the world to me. I know he likes me as more than a friend, but we’re on totally different pages here. Different stratospheres. I’m in too fucking deep, and I don’t—what do I do?”
JJ shifted closer, slipping his arm around my shoulders, and sighed. “Oh, Ander…I—I really don’t know.”
That made two of us.
29
Everything was so messed up. Ander was avoiding me again, and with every hour that passed without him, it felt like my heart was breaking, piece by piece. He’d texted me the following morning to say that he needed some space, and I couldn’t help but feel like the longer we left it to talk, the wider the cracks would become in our friendship. If he wanted to go back to just being friends again, I’d jump at the chance. I’d do everything in my power to hide the love I felt for him because losing him as my best friend couldn’t be an option.
Even so, things would never be the same again. Not now that I knew him so intimately, had experienced pleasure with him that I hadn’t even known existed, and had fallen even more deeply in love after getting the privilege to share this new part of him.
Everything had changed, and this was why you shouldn’t sleep with your best friend. Unless you were prepared to lose them, and I wasn’t ready to lose mine. But the longer the time and distance stretched between us, the more hope I lost.
“Have you seen him yet?” Noah asked me as we took our seats at a table in the student union.
Picking up my burger, I shook my head. “Not at all. Even in the lectures we share, he’s been arriving late and leaving early, like he wants to make it obvious that he doesn’t want to speak to me.” I bit into my burger, and it tasted like ash in my mouth, just as everything I’d eaten had since Ander told me he needed space.
Swallowing a mouthful of fries, Noah shot me a sympathetic look. “I wish I knew what to say, but I guess if he’s asked for space, you have to respect that. Do you want me to speak to Liam? See if Ander’s said anything to him?”
“No, it’s okay. Thanks for the offer, but I’d rather not involve anyone else in my issues, especially not when Liam’s so close to Ander. I feel like I’m putting you in the middle a bit, now Liam’s your boyfriend, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to about it. No one else knows how I feel about Ander.” Uncapping my bottle of Coke, I tipped it to my lips, hoping that the fizzing liquid would do something to ease the churning in my stomach.
“Hey, don’t even worry about that. You’re my friend—of course I’m gonna be there for you. And Liam respects that—he’s not going to ask me to tell him anything private that you’ve spoken to me about.” He gave me a reassuring smile. “Remember that Ander’s your best friend. You’re going to work this out.”
“I’ve tried to be objective.” Lowering my voice, I glanced around the busy student union to check if anyone was listening in. “He was definitely into it when we, you know. It was just afterwards—he completely froze up and shut me out and hasn’t spoken to me since, other than sending a text to say he needed space. It’s been three days now. I haven’t even seen him at home, and do you know how hard it is to avoid someone you’re living with?”
Noah chuckled humourlessly. “Yeah, I have an idea of that. Liam did that to me for a bit.” He played with his bottle of water, flipping the sports cap on and off. “Maybe you should send him a text. Just say that you’re respecting his space, but you’re ready to talk whenever he wants to?”
“Yeah, maybe I will.” Tapping my fingers on the table, I thought about it. Was it a bad idea? Fuck it. I pulled out my phone and tapped out a quick message.
Me:
