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And she wasn’t alone.
Ander was right there next to her, his arm across her shoulders, the two of them looking very cosy together sheltering under his coat, her body curling into his and her arm around his waist.
A sharp pain stabbed at my chest, and I gasped for breath. I’d known that we weren’t on the same page with our feelings, knew that eventually, he’d move on once the novelty of being with me had worn off, but seeing him like this, even if it happened to be something innocent, hurt way more than I thought it ever would.
His wide eyes flew to mine, guilt written all over his gorgeous face. Even though all my instincts were telling me to leave, I couldn’t stop myself from drinking him in. I’d missed him so, so much.
But when he opened his mouth, I knew that I wasn’t ready to hear him break my heart.
I ran, and I didn’t stop.
30
It was day three since my life had been turned upside down, and things weren’t improving. After my talk with JJ, I’d made the decision to pull back from Elliot, to create some purposeful distance between us so that I could attempt to let my feelings fade to a more manageable level. I knew that I was hurting Elliot by staying away, and I was also hurting myself, but it was the only thing I could think of doing. Being in love with your best friend and knowing they didn’t feel the same way was so fucking hard. If I was lucky, the time apart would mean that I didn’t just blurt out that I loved him the second I saw him again, like I knew I would’ve done if I’d gone back to him that night. And then we could move on, and I could come up with a plan to get him to love me back.
Meanwhile, I was miserable as fuck and annoyed with myself for making my life harder by sneaking around like a ninja, trying to avoid him. Right now, I was in the student union bar, playing doubles pool with Preston, Travis, and his girlfriend, Kira, when what I really wanted was to be back at home in my nice warm bed with Elliot while we watched something scary that would make him cuddle into me and bury his face in my shoulder.
Fuck. Was that why I liked watching movies with him that I knew would make him jump?
“Ander!”
I came to, realising I’d zoned out in the middle of my turn. The others were all staring at me, unsurprisingly. There was a clear question in Preston’s eyes, but I shook my head at him.
“Sorry.” Lining up my pool cue, I tapped it against the white ball, and it rolled a little way, nudging the orange-striped ball into the pocket.
“Great job.” Preston lifted his hand, and I slapped my palm against his before he moved into position to take our next shot. As he passed me, he leaned into me, speaking low in my ear. “Hey, man, is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I said, hoping he’d take the hint and drop it. He did, stepping back and clapping me on the shoulder. Thank fuck for that. I slumped back against the wall, propping my pool cue up next to me.
My phone buzzed with a text alert, and when I unlocked the screen, I found a message waiting for me from the person I was trying to stop thinking about.
Elliot:
Take as much time as you need, but I wanted to let you know I’m here to talk whenever you’re ready
Shit, how did I reply to that? He had to be worrying about the fact that I’d been avoiding him. I didn’t want to upset him, but I did want to stick to my plan of avoiding him until my feelings were less overwhelming.
I wrote,I need more time. Sorry E. DON’T STRESS, just so we were clear. Then I thought about it for a second and added,We’re still best friends, followed by a smiley emoji so that he would know I wasn’t upset with him and his friendship was important to me. Even as I hit Send, I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing, but I didn’t know what else to do.
Fuck, I needed air. “Be back in a minute,” I muttered to Preston, then strode out of the bar as quickly as I could. Fucking brilliant—it was pouring with rain outside, and my coat was back in the bar with the others. Turning on my heel, I made a detour towards the cafeteria. Maybe a snack would boost my mood. Something sweet that my football coach wouldn’t recommend.
I stopped dead just inside the entrance as my gaze caught a familiar sight. It felt like all the breath was punched from my lungs as I watched my best friend, aka the fucking love of my life, sitting with another guy who I recognised as a member of his running club, their heads close together as they looked at something on a phone screen. A few seconds later, both Elliot and the guy started laughing, andwow, that really fucking hurt. It was clear that he wasn’t suffering like I was. He was fine without me. He washappy.
I also realised something else. Something important.
My feelings—the ones that I was trying to suppress or reduce or whatever? They were even stronger than before. The realisation hit me like a sledgehammer. How fucking stupid had I been to think that avoiding Elliot would make a difference? I was in love with him, and time and distance didn’t mean anything. My feelings weren’t going anywhere.
What was I supposed to do now?
I couldn’t watch them anymore. My brain somehow remembered how to work my feet, and I got out of there as quickly as I could, feeling lonely and hurt and so fucking miserable.
Being in love fucking sucked.
When I got back, my three friends did a good job of pretending that everything was okay, and I appreciated it. While I’d been gone, Travis and Kira had managed to pot the same number of balls that Preston and I had, and now we were down to our last two each. I didn’t even know how I made it through the rest of the game, but somehow I did, although Preston and I lost. As soon as it was over, I grabbed my coat and muttered a quick goodbye to my friends before getting out of there.
Sheets of rain were hammering down outside, and I was so fucking glad I had my big coat and boots on because this weather was no joke. I readied myself for a run back home, but I was stopped in my tracks by an inside-out umbrella blowing straight into my leg, followed by a cry of despair.
“No! Ah! Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!”
