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“Zayde?” We were sitting on my bed. The sun was streaming through the window, sending rainbow patterns dancing across the carpet where it was shining on my crystal bedside lamp.
“Yeah?” He turned to face me, staring into my eyes. Lately, the way he looked at me had changed, and I couldn’t help hoping that he was beginning to feel the same way I did.
I gathered all my courage and let the words tumble out.
“IthinkIwanttokissyou.”
He stared at me, open-mouthed. When the silence went on for too long, I turned away, my cheeks flaming.Stupid. Of course he didn’t feel the same way about me. “Never mind. Forget I said anything.”
He made a noise in the back of his throat and lunged forwards, his lips crashing down on mine. Our teeth clashed, and I pulled away, trying to stifle my cry of shock.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, staring down at my duvet. He was biting down on his lip, and all I could think about was that I wanted to try kissing him again. So I swallowed hard, clasping my hands together to hide the way they were shaking, and asked, “D-do you want to try again?”
His eyes flew to mine, and he gave a jerky nod, shuffling closer on the bed. This time, he angled his head carefully, pressing his lips against mine.
When he pulled away this time, I caught a glimpse of myself in my dressing table mirror. My cheeks were all pink, and my eyes were shining as a huge smile spread across my face.
“I’ve been wanting to kiss you for so long,” I whispered.
“You have?”
I was taken aback by the shock in his voice, and I nodded adamantly. Didn’t he know how much I liked him?
He shook his head. “But—but you’re way out of my league.” His cheeks flushed, but he kept going. “You—you’re beautiful and rich, with everything you could ever want, and I’m just a boy from the wrong side of the tracks.”
How could I make him see that none of that mattered to me? “I don’t care about any of the money stuff. That’s not important to me. You’re my best friend, Zayde, and I like you more than I’ve ever liked anyone. I’ve never met anyone I wanted to kiss until you.”
“What do you mean?”
“That was my first kiss.”
He carefully slipped his arm around the back of my neck, drawing me closer to him. “Mine too,” he said, and then he kissed me again.
Almost every time he saw me after that, we’d end up kissing, taking care to stay hidden. As well as kissing, we’d talk about anything and everything, until I felt closer to him than I ever had to anyone.
Then one day, I woke up and realised that I’d fallen in love with him.
Shifting into a more comfortable position, I drew my knees up, resting my head on my arms. “We met by accident, really. His mum was one of our cleaners, did you know that? She brought him with her to work, and that was how I met him. He fascinated me from the first moment I saw him. I was alone a lot, and so was he, and we…we grew closer. He became my best friend. At first, I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want him to get into trouble. And then something happened that neither of us saw coming. Do you want to know what it was?”
A small gust of wind lifted the ends of my hair, and my smile widened. “I’ll take that as a yes, then. You’ll never guess what it was. His mum…as well as being a cleaner, she had a few other jobs. Um. One of them…she met a man. He gave her a fake name, so she didn’t know who he really was, and she never saw him again. But it led to a baby. Zayde Smith. That used to be his name. Until she saw a newspaper with the man’s picture and found out that Zayde’s dad was, in fact, Michael Lowry.”
Another gust of wind buffeted me, sending scattered golden-brown leaves into the air. “I know. It was a shock to everyone. When she got in touch with Mr. Lowry and told him about his son, he of course didn’t believe her to begin with. But after a paternity test, he decided that he wanted custody of Zayde because he’d never married and didn’t have an heir of his own to continue the family name. He paid her off, and Zayde never really liked to speak about it, but I got the impression that she was happy to take the money and relinquish her responsibilities.” My voice hardened. “Not that she took much responsibility for him. Did you know he was constantly left to his own devices? Sometimes she kicked him out of their flat, and he’d have to crash with friends. She didn’t even care about his birthdays, can you believe that? The only time he could remember ever getting a present from her was after he’d already left—” A sob escaped my throat as I remembered the battered copy ofTo Kill a Mockingbirdwith the inscription inside. The book that he’d gifted to me, and I’d asked the sanctuary staff to get rid of it.
“S-sometimes I feel so broken.” I sobbed. “I do and say things that I regret so much, Timmy. I just—I just wish you were here. I feel so guilty. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I miss you so much.”
When I eventually stopped crying enough to be able to catch my breath, tears still dripping down my cheeks, I reached out again with a trembling hand to touch the letters of his name. “We stayed together, Zayde and me. It was hard for us to spend a lot of time together after I went away to boarding school and he moved in with his dad. But we managed to get moments together. We kept in touch by texts and emails. He was always there for me, until that day. Tim, that day…I can’t talk about it yet. I don’t think I’m ready to face it.”
A soft breeze stirred the grass around me, drying the tears on my cheeks. “Thank you,” I whispered. “I love you, and I know that a part of you will always be here with me.” Lifting a hand to my heart, I leaned forwards and placed a kiss on the headstone, right on his name. “I’ll come back and visit you. I promise.”
Climbing to my feet, I turned around.
I gasped, feeling the colour drain from my face.
Joseph stood there, a bunch of flowers clasped in his hands. His mouth was set in a hard line, and he was gripping the stems so hard they’d bent.
“H-how long have you been here?” I managed to say, my voice shaking.
Instead of answering my question, he stepped forwards, laying the flowers in front of the headstone. When he straightened up, he spoke, his back to me. “Dad asked me to bring flowers to the grave on his and Mum’s behalf before I go to visit him later.”
