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It swept over me, a technicolour tsunami, stealing the breath from my lungs.
Riding my bike there…searching for my brother and my boyfriend…finding them arguing close to the window…my presence catching them by surprise…the floorboard breaking…Tim falling and Zayde desperately trying to catch him…
I curled into a ball, sobbing, as I faced the truth. Ithadbeen an accident. A horrible, horrible accident. And Zayde had tried to save him. Tim was gone, and all of us would have to live with that,but it was no one’s fault. We’d been blaming ourselves and each other, and yet…
And yet. I’d held on to the blame. Held Zayde responsible because I hadn’t been able to face what had really happened. Tim would never have wanted me to hold on to this anger, this grudge, this animosity, this guilt. I was sure of it now. Coming back to Alstone had allowed me to see clearly for the first time since the accident had happened, and Iknewthat all he ever wanted for me was to be happy.
So maybe it was time I took this step and let myself accept that I’d been so, so wrong. And do my best to move on.
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I sat up. With shaking fingers, I dialled Nina’s number, hoping she would answer.
She did, and we talked for a long, long time. When it was done, I felt wrung out, collapsing back onto the bed and closing my eyes. I was so drained, and it was all I could do to stay awake.
“Fallon?”
I blinked my eyes open to find Zayde watching me, his brows pulled together. He was seated on the edge of the bed, close enough that if I reached out, I could touch him, but he was keeping a distance from me. My heart jumped in my chest. Even now, he was so careful not to make me uncomfortable.
“Hi.” My voice was scratchy, and I cleared my throat. “Zayde?”
“Yeah?”
“Can—can you come here?” I held out my arms.
“Fuck, baby,” he breathed, and then he was holding me, and I was crying into his chest.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. You did nothing wrong,” I choked out, and he made a noise I’d never heard before, like a wounded animal.
“You have nothing to apologise for. Fuckingnothing, okay?”
The lump in my throat was too big for me to speak, so I let him hold me and wipe away my tears until I was cleansed of every single thing that had been poisoning my mind for so long.
“Zayde. I know that there’s nothing I can say to make things right. I—”
“Hey. You went through fucking unimaginable trauma, baby. You don’t have anything to apologise for, okay?”
I inhaled shakily, tightening my arms around him, and pressing a kiss to his jaw. “You’re the best man I know. I know I have so much to make up for, and I’m so thankful that you’re here with me now.”
“No. There’s nothing that you need to make up for. This is our chance for a fresh start, and I’m not gonna leave you. Do you want to get out of here?” he asked softly. “Get away from everything for a while?”
“How can we?”
“You think the paps can catch us on my bike?” A grin spread across his face. “Let them try.”
I returned his grin with a smile of my own. Even though it was a little wobbly, it felt so good. “I’m in.”
* * *
Sneaking out hadn’t been Zayde’s style, not this time. He’d mounted his bike in front of everyone, and I’d climbed on behind him, wrapping my arms tightly around his waist. Then he’d started the engine with a roar and shot straight down the driveway towards the gathered paparazzi. They’d scattered when they realised that he wasn’t going to swerve, and we’d ridden straight through the middle of them and out onto the open road. I laughed against Zayde’s back, free and happy, the sun sparkling on the sea next to us, the road empty and stretching before us like a glimmering ribbon.
I felt Zayde’s answering laugh, and I savoured it. We’d never been so carefree. Never had a moment that wasn’t fraught with the possibility of someone discovering us. But now here we were, finally free to be together. My heart felt like it could burst with the love I felt for the man I was holding on to. I knew that he struggled to process his emotions, and it might be the case that he never said he loved me in words, but that didn’t matter to me because I knew he felt so deeply for me. He’d proven it, over and over.
We finally came to a stop at the top of a small cove with a tiny, bumpy lane leading down to it. Zayde lifted his visor, turning to speak to me. “Hold on tight.” Flipping down his visor, he turned back to the front of the bike. He carefully bumped us down the track until we were at the bottom, with a pristine, untouched beach stretching before us, hard-packed sand providing a smooth path for the bike’s wheels. This time when he stopped, I pulled off my helmet and leaned down to carefully place it on the sand, needing to take in the view without any obstruction.
The setting sun touched the tips of the waves with gold, and everything was bathed in shades of pinks and oranges and reds. It was so beautiful, and it was just the two of us here.
Coming back to Alstone was the best decision I’d ever made.
“This is gorgeous,” I whispered.
