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I thought even farther back to the very first day I met him, how that guy had come aggressively across the street and Lars basically shut down.
How I instinctually switched into protect mode and never switched back out.
He gets that look that Max gets sometimes. When he’s thinking abouthim. Wes’s words followed all my thoughts, and I let out a strangled sound.
Lars was in danger. I knew it. Ifeltit deep in my bones.
“I have to go,” I said, already reaching for the door.
“Go where?” Rush called behind me.
“To get my life back,” I answered, breaking into a sprint.
I felt eyes watching me. I heard my brother call my name. I didn’t stop, not even when Coach blew his whistle, not even when I nearly slipped on a puddle of water. I raced out the doors, yanking the keys from my pocket and hitting the automatic start.
As I threw myself behind the wheel, I dialed Lars’s number, listening to it ring and ring and ring.
“Fuck!” I yelled, hitting the steering wheel before hanging up and trying again.
My tires squealed out of the lot as I punched the gas and headed off campus.
“Lars, don’t you do this to me,” I said the second his voicemail picked up. “Don’t you fucking leave me.” A sob crowded my throat, forcing its way out. “Please.”
I hung up the call and turned onto the main road, hitting the gas a little more. I wasn’t even sure I was going to the right place, but it was the only place I could think of. The only place where he would need to take a suitcase.
My one hope was stopping whatever the hell he was thinking.
My only hope of ever seeing my heart again.
“Please still be here,” I prayed over the purr of the engine. “Please.”
32
Lars
Wasthis what people who marched on death row felt like? Hopeless. Numb. Wondering how it all came down to this.
Except death wouldn’t offer me any relief because, technically, I would still be alive. Breathing. Knowing what I could have had. Still, it was worth it. Keeping Win safe was worth anything, even if I had to trade my life for his.
I slept like shit. Lying awake all night, hiding my battered body beneath the blankets. When Rush came in, I pretended to be asleep and snuck out just moments after my alarm went off. I hadn’t even needed the alarm because my eyes stayed glued to the clock. I counted down my last hours, fighting the urge to go to Win every second.
I’m sorry.
I wished I could say those words to him. To see his face one last time.
If I were a braver man, maybe I’d call Oskar’s bluff. If I believed it was a bluff at all. Truth was I believed him when he said he’d kill Win because killing him would be the ultimate way to hurt me. Oskar lived to hurt and control me, and unfortunately, he’d found the ultimate weapon.
I never should have allowed Win into my life. I should have stayed isolated and alone.
Still, as I walked through the airport, my suitcase rolling beside me, I couldn’t bring myself to regret it because, at least for a small portion of time, I’d known true happiness. I’d gotten to feel someone’s pure love.
As I went, I tugged my cap a little lower, shielding the black-and-blue eye I woke up with. From beneath the brim, I searched the busy airport, but not overly so because of the early morning hour.
So far, I didn’t see him. But oh, I knew he was here. I could almost feel him watching, his gleeful satisfaction that he was getting his way. My skin prickled, stomach churning. I wasn’t worried about puking because I’d already thrown up everything inside. There was nothing left. Nothing but a hollow organ that spasmed occasionally as though it could hurl itself out of my body and somehow avoid him too.
My body hurt, more than I remembered. It had been quite a long while since I’d been battered this much.At least he didn’t use his belt.
He probably will when you get home.
