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I returned to staring out the window. This was actually my first party at Westbrook. Since enrolling, I’d done my best to lie low and concentrate fully on swim and classes. Partying was something I wasn’t ever into, probably because the years in high school I would have spent partying it up were curtailed by a hospital stay, PTSD, and physical therapy. After that, partying was something I never even considered because I didn’t trust anyone enough to be around them.
Even now, my stomach was slightly queasy at the idea of being in such a huge crowd filled with people I didn’t know with limited light and excessive alcohol. To me, it just seemed kinda dangerous. I knew it really wasn’t if I was careful and aware of my surroundings. I mean, I had a whole group of friends, but old habits die hard, and some paranoia was ingrained for life.
“Hey, you okay?” Win asked, likely picking up on my mood.
If I’d thought being apart for a semester would somehow dull our bond, I was completely wrong. Win seemed more in tune with me than ever before, which was a little unsettling considering we didn’t really talk much about anything. Anything = my forbidden crush on our brother.
“Yeah. Just not sure what to expect.”
“Fun. Expect fun.” Then he tacked on, “And loud music.”
I smiled. After another few silent moments, keeping my eyes trained on the night sky, my lips moved, “He’s pretty pissed.”
Win made a noise. I didn’t have to say who because there was only one other person we’d be talking about. Ever since yesterday morning, Max had been in a black mood. He barely came around, and when he did, his anger permeated the whole house, making my stomach twist uncomfortably.
I mentioned to Win that I was going back to my dorm, but he gave me the spiel of staying a few more days while he was still in town because he missed me while he was gone. I’d missed Win too, more than I realized. However, Max’s anger was something I intensely,intenselydisliked. It created discord within me like an earthquake had gone through and shaken everything up. I couldn’t find any of my emotions, and when I did, I couldn’t find where they were supposed to go. Instead, I walked around with a vague feeling of discomfort and anxiety.
I altered between that and short bursts of anger. Mad that he could affect me so much and mad that I allowed it. Truth was I couldn’t stop it. And though I knew going out tonight was my right and there was absolutely nothing wrong with it, I felt guilty… like I was betraying him.
But what else was I supposed to do?
Sit home and yearn for a man who didn’t love me?
I was nineteen years old. A virgin. It was embarrassing. Sure, I’d been through a lot and trusting people was super hard for me, but… I wanted more. The longer I sat home and hid and embraced my one-sided love, the harder it was going to be.
And fuck, I sincerely couldn’t imagine it being any harder.
It would kill me.
So here I was riding shotgun toward what I kinda thought of as a date… toward a guy who wanted to dance with me and smear my body with glow-in-the-dark paint and with my friends who wanted to have fun and didn’t care that it was a guy I danced with.
I didn’t think I’d ever have these things. And yeah, they were hella hard to want… but still, I wanted them.
You want them with Max.
Again, this is where I remind you that choice for me might as well be a wish. So I would take what I could get. Maybe I’d have fun anyway.
“That bothers you a lot,” Win said, butting into my internal dialogue and reminding me I’d spoken.
“Yeah, it does.”
Max had asked me earlier today if I was still going out tonight. I told him I was and asked if he wanted to come. I thought it might make him less… pissed. He flat out refused to come and then stormed out of the house. I hadn’t seen him since.
“You know how Max is. He’s just very protective of what’s his. You know why he’s like that.”
I did. Because his parents were the worst people on this planet, and despite being handed things money could buy, he had to scrape and claw and go without things that should be free.
“But I’m not his. Not really.”
Win was silent a long time. I felt the unspoken tension in the car, pressing against the windows and roof, sucking up the air like it needed oxygen.
“There it is,” Win said, and I gazed through the windshield at the large stone building.
It was basically a light blob against the night sky, but as we drove closer, I could make out the wide rectangular shape and pitched roof. Windows lined the length of the building, but they were all dark.
“It really is a dark party?” I asked my brother.
“No traditional lights. Just black lights. But don’t worry. Most everything glows.”
