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“If you ask me about that dating app,” Sofi warned.
“I’m not asking,” Leia paused, “but if you want to tell me something.”
Sofi laughed as she chucked a throw pillow toward the kitchen, knowing she’d thrown it way wide. But she wanted to get her point across without sacrificing her adorable yellow pillow to a shower of rice or beans.
“I’ve matched with a few guys. We’ve been talking. I don’t know. I guess things are progressing, but I’m already tired of this whole thing. Remind me again why I’m doing this?” Sofi said, sighing once again.
“Austin.” Leia barely whispered the name but it was exactly what Sofi needed to hear. She sat up straighter, proverbially girding her loins, as she unlocked her phone and pressed on the app determinedly. Austin was exactly why she was doing this. She couldn’t pine over her best friend forever.
“But what I don’t get . . . ” Leia started again as she brought over two plates loaded down with Leia’s favorite carne asada as well as rice, beans, and a giant side salad.
Sofi shook her head, knowing what Leia was going to say next. She’d said it plenty of times before.
“What? You should at least say something. Before you get stuck in another relationship you don’t want to be in,” Leia said with a shrug as she dug into her meal.
“I’ve never been in a relationship I didn’t want to be in,” Sofi defended her past actions as she likewise scooped up a forkful of the steaming food.
Leia set down her fork and raised an eyebrow at her roommate.
“Matt?” she asked pointedly, reminding Sofi about the guy she’d broken up with when she’d moved to Mexico for six months. Honestly, she could have handled long distance, but leaving had been the perfect excuse to end things with the guy. Leia was kind of right on Matt’s account—Sofi really had been itching to get out of that one. She’d enjoyed dating Matt for a couple of months but for the next few had been wishing for a way out. Honestly, she’d spent more time in that relationship being unhappy than happy.
“Dylan, Joe, other Matt, Rider, Krew, Dustin, Ellis,” Leia continued, ticking the names off on her fingers.
“Now you’re just naming all of my ex-boyfriends,” Sofi said before shoving a piece of tender meat into her mouth. She never got tired of the taste of roasted steak that had been marinating in the most delicious juices for twenty-four hours straight.
“Exactly,” Leia stated. “You haven’t wanted to be in any of those. Because of Austin.”
Leia stabbed at a piece of lettuce while she stared at Sofi accusingly.
Sofi let her eyes fall, no longer able to look her friend in the eye. Because Leia was right. And Sofi hated that she was. Loving Austin was pointless, yet here she was. Still doing it.
“This dating app is another band-aid, just like all of those relationships were,” Leia said.
“You’re the one who pushed me to get on it,” Sofi protested, her eyes flying up to meet Leia’s as her shame fled in the face of this truth.
“Because I thought you’d say I was an idiot and then turn to the real problem. I didn’t think you’d go through with it. Especially after I got the Tías involved.”
“I knew you didn’t tell them ‘by accident.’” Sofi threw air quotes up beside her face.
“I didn’t. And then I thought for sure when they all agreed that Austin had to go along on the dates . . . I don’t know what it will take for you to finally tell Austin the truth, but I thought for sure that would be enough.”
Leia’s voice conveyed her disappointment, but it didn’t affect Sofi as much as it would have if Sofi weren’t already so disappointed in herself. Yes, she should tell Austin how she felt. It might be the only way to get over these feelings that had been building up for years.
But was she going to do it?
Heck to the no.
“I can’t tell him.” Sofi voiced her final opinion on the matter. It was something she’d gone over so many times it made her nauseous just starting to think about it. And there was no other way to see it. She’d say she loved Austin. He’d tell her he didn’t feel the same way. And their friendship of two and a half decades would be over. Sofi could survive a whole lot of things but losing her best friend wasn’t one of them.
“But if he feels the same way?” Leia argued.
“Then he would have told me.”
“But you haven’t told him . . . ”
“Leia.” Sofi’s voice warned that she was at the end of her rope. She couldn’t discuss this with Leia. Or anyone. It hurt too much to face the fact that the man she loved would never love her in return. But he was her best friend. And for that she went to bed every night, grateful she still had him in some form.
Leia pursed her lips before stabbing yet another piece of lettuce but she let the conversation go.
