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“Bash will be okay with that?” Leia asked the question Sofi had been too scared to ask herself.
“I don’t know,” she whispered. They weren’t there yet. They were just getting to know one another. She couldn’t ask him if he’d be okay with her having a guy best friend who had a key to their place and dropped by all the time, who texted and called daily and discussed everything that was going on. Who shared a very deep and intimate part of Sofi’s life.
So what would happen if she did fall in love with Bash and then he wasn’t comfortable with Austin? What would she do then?
She couldn’t give up Austin. But could she give up a chance at love?
What if her only chance at love while keeping Austin in her life . . . was with Austin?
The question shook Sofi so much that she found herself gripping the couch arm beside her.
“You might lose Austin no matter what. Won’t it be better that he knows how you feel? That you know you’ve done everything in your power before giving up on him?” Rachael asked. Her perspective might be skewed by recent life events, but she spoke the truth nonetheless.
The reality shook Sofi even as she felt the rightness of it in every fiber of her being. She couldn’t give up without trying everything, and if she gave her all to Bash now without knowing what could have happened with Austin, she’d always wonder what if. She couldn’t do that to herself or the man she ended up with. She had to know the truth, even if it scared her to her very core. Even if it meant losing Austin’s . . . Sofi didn’t let that thought finish or she’d never have the courage to do what she had to do.
Sofi’s heartbeat quickened as she considered her next step. She didn’t want to do any of it but as she looked to the future after hearing Rachael’s words, she could now only imagine it going in one way. She had to take this path and then let the pieces fall where they would.
Anything else would be cowardly.
“Do you mind?” Sofi pulled out her phone and pointed to Rachael’s bedroom.
“Of course,” Rachael said as Sofi got up to call Bash. It wasn’t a conversation to have over text. But he needed to know she was in love with someone else. She hadn’t been fair to him. She hadn’t been fair to herself.
So she’d make the call and then . . . well, the pieces would really start to fall.
Nine
Austin fell backon his couch after arriving home moments before. It was later than he’d expected to be out, considering he’d just been at his mom’s house a couple of minutes away, but after his brothers had finished ragging on him about Sofi they’d moved onto other conversations and even though Austin hadn’t been paying too much attention, he was sure that if he’d tried to sneak away his brothers would have turned their attention back on him, prying for answers about Sofi that he just didn’t have.
Was he attracted to Sofi? Yes. Did he love her? Yes. Did he want her in his life forever? Again yes. But could he date her?
He really wanted that answer to be yes as well. Especially now that he had an inkling maybe she felt the same way for him. He still wasn’t sure he believed his brothers but he also couldn’t completely disregard what they had said. So he was in limbo and he didn’t know if he wanted out. Because if he knew Sofi did care for him in that way . . . if he knew without a doubt . . . could he date her?
That was the question it always came back to. And he hated, for himself and for her, that the answer was probably no.
How could he? With his track record? If he wanted forever with Sofi, dating her would be the wrong move. Hadn’t he been so sure of his bachelorhood that he’d constructed his house for a single resident? He wasn’t built for forever. His parents had been. His grandparents as well. Most of his siblings were. But as Austin had watched them all fall in love, be in love, he hadn’t felt anything missing in his life. He was fulfilled just as he was. Single. A bachelor.
He could try to carve out space for Sofi, but ten years down the line would he resent her? Worse, would she resent him? Because even if she did love him, he wasn’t what she deserved.
He knew that much for sure. Sofi should be served the stars, moon, and freaking sun. She was owed nothing less than whole hearts and entire lives. She didn’t deserve a man who would always wonderwhat if? What if he wasn’t cut out for being a husband, father, grandfather, all of the complementary roles to what Sofi would be.
And what Austin couldn’t bear most of all? Breaking Sofi’s heart. He would kill any guy who did so and if he was the one who’d done it? It would destroy him. He couldn’t risk their friendship, Sofi, them, all of it just because he hoped it would all be okay in the end. Hope wasn’t enough to sustain reality.
Austin felt self-loathing begin to grow that he couldn’t give this to Sofi. If this really was what she wanted. He still hoped that wasn’t the case. But if it was, if this ever came to a head, Austin knew what his answer would have to be. No. He couldn’t date Sofi. If any other man of his caliber tried to date her, he’d be the wall the man couldn’t get past. So he had to hold the same line for himself. No matter how much he wished otherwise.
Austin blew out a breath as his fingers itched to reach for his phone and call the woman his thoughts had revolved around constantly. Especially in these past two weeks. It had taken willpower beyond what he thought he had to keep from calling, texting, or dropping by her house. He’d had to drive right past her driveway three times in the last two weeks as his mind had taken him there on autopilot before he’d realized what he had done.
He stood from his couch, walking to his fridge and pulling out a carton of milk. He hadn’t tried this trick since he was a kid, but maybe warm milk would be the ticket to calm his racing mind. Nothing else he’d tried these last two weeks had worked.
He considered turning on the TV to tune out the quiet, but decided he’d drink his milk and head to bed instead. The morning would be brighter, literally, and hopefully figuratively as well.
Maybe he should get a dog.
Austin put the carton back in the fridge and opened the microwave to set his mug in when the sound of crunching gravel along his driveway warned him that someone was there. If this was one of his brothers coming to give him a hard time about Sofi . . .
He moved to his kitchen window and squinted out into the night. The headlights seemed lower than he expected since all of his brothers drove trucks, but higher than a sedan’s. Maybe it was an SUV? Or maybe his vision was just off tonight, along with the rest of him.
Austin closed his microwave and headed for the front door. If it was one of his brothers, he’d stop them before they set foot in his house.
