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“But you’re about to push me away.”
Austin’s heart grew cold. He was.
“Sof, I can’t,” he said, knowing he couldn’t leave it at that as her entire body caved in and she slumped over, her arms wrapping around her middle.
He longed to hug her, but knew that would be more for his own sake than hers. And he only had so much time to make this right.
“I’ve gone over this again and again. I would love to date you. And for a few months it would be pure joy. Until it wasn’t. You’d want more. I’d want less. You’d want a future; I’d want the present. You’d want a family while I’d want us to be best friends forever. Eventually we’d grow to resent one another. I wish I could change. I’ve wondered if I can, but I don’t have it in me to want forever with a woman. No longing for a family. Look at my house. I built it for myself. When I see into my future, you’re always there, but as my best friend. I can try to give you more but I’d fail. And I can’t live with failing you, Sofi,” Austin spoke the words from his heart.
“We could try . . . ” Sofi began but let the words fall away. “I don’t want to hurt you either, Austin. But what if I can’t get past this? I love you. All of you. You’re right. I want more. I want the future. I want the family. I want forever. But I don’t want you to change, Austin. I think if you took this step forward you’d see that you, exactly as you are, can want the same things I do.”
“And what if I don’t?”
They let those words linger in the air.
“Once we take that step we can’t go back,” Austin finally added.
“And we can now?”
Austin nodded. They had to be able to.
“But what if I don’t want to?” Sofi said the words with a grimace that told Austin they were as painful for her to say as they were for him to hear.
“So either I date you or we aren’t best friends?” Austin struggled to say the words.
Sofi sat frozen for minutes before she finally nodded.
Austin closed his eyes. This couldn’t be it. This couldn’t be the end. He had to try to date her, didn’t he?
But that would only make things worse. He wouldn’t just lose her, he’d give her hope and then break her. Walking away now would be excruciating, but it was better than the pain that would come after seeing what they could have and then Austin failing to give more.
“Don’t answer now,” Sofi said as she stood, stretching a hand toward Austin’s shoulder and then slowly withdrawing it.
“I—” Austin began.
“Don’t. Please,” Sofi begged and Austin had to acquiesce.
“Think about it.”
All Austin had been doing was thinking.
“Give it time. We would be great together. We just have to take that first step. We just have to give it a chance,” Sofi said softly as she began to back away.
Could they be?
Austin asked that question for long enough that before he could say anything more, Sofi was gone, the door quietly shut behind her.
And in that moment he knew they could be. They would be great together . . . until they weren’t. But could Austin give Sofi up for good? It seemed impossible. But no more impossible than dumping her the way he had every other woman. Sofi was special. So the only other option was for him to date her and be committed to staying no matter what he truly began to feel. Stay for longer than he would have with anyone else, stay for her sake. But all he could see in that scenario was him staying for so long that everything that had made them great would die a slow death. He couldn’t do that to Sofi.
Austin covered his face with his hands as emotions he’d never experienced whirled through him.
Maybe Sofi was right. Maybe time was their answer.
Or she was wrong. But because Austin couldn’t face that reality, he focused on the former. And hoped an answer would come with time. But he couldn’t silence the small voice that asked if this would be the time hope truly failed him.
Ten
It had beenfour weeks since that night. Summer had given way to the yellowing leaves of fall and Sofi could still feel the touch of Austin’s lips on hers.
