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JASPER
Mid-afternoon had become night at some point. The phone said it was after five when I rolled out of bed and staggered into the shower. Hot water beating down on my head helped to clear the cobwebs. My eyes were sore. My chest hurt—the bruise from the seat belt had definitely left a mark—and then there was an ache in my soul.
Grief was an all too familiar companion. The day my mother died, my father told me to stop fucking crying and grow up. Crying had never been my strong suit. Even when the tears burned, they refused to fall.
Finding a bloodied, wounded Freddie after he’d been assaulted in that container had ripped something open inside of me. It was fury, not tears, that spilled out. And that rage translated into killing the son of a bitch who hurt him.
I’d always been a fighter, but rage was so much easier than tears. Protecting my brothers, our family, became the driving force within me. It fueled my drive whenever Freddie dipped into troubled waters with his addictions. Helped beat back those who would take what was ours.
Then Milo went to prison. Liam left. Freddie kept slipping. Honestly, looking back, those were not our best years. At the same time, everything had been a fight. Probably why I survived.
Then Swan came to town.
She came to town, and she was hurting. I couldn’t walk away from that any more than we could have let that guy go when we found Freddie. She needed out and, fuck it all, I’dneededto save her.
I hadn’t realized just how much I needed it, needed her, until she was here. She was an indelible mark on all of us long before we added ivy to the tattoos we all sported. Ivy to signify our promise to Milo to protect her.
Now, a promise to her.
Emersyn telling me what her uncle had done, gutted me. Even then, the tears for her hadn’t fallen. Not until I got her the pound of flesh she so richly deserved.
Ms. Stephanie’s loss echoed deep inside me. It didn’t seem real. How could she be gone? If I picked up the phone…
Only she wouldn’t answer it again.
If I went to her house to check on the landscaping… she wouldn’t be there to laugh, smile, and wave me inside.
When I needed her…
While she had never become my mother, Ms. Stephanie had been the one true constant in my life outside of the guys. One of the very few adults I had ever trusted or wanted to please.
As an adult myself, her respect had been everything.
And she was gone.
Taking the time to trim my beard, I met my dry-eyed gaze in the mirror. I wanted to cry for her. I owed her so fucking much. What were a few goddamn tears? Yet, they wouldn’t come. Not even now.
Finished, I braced my hands on the edge of the sink. I needed to get my shit together. The last couple of hellish days had bled one into the other. They had come for us.
Swan’s so-called fucking family had come for us. The message Liam got, was the epic reach of the destruction they’d visited. It wasn’t the places they hit—fuck, it wasn’t even my car. That was all collateral damage.
We could rebuild places and things.
We couldn’t replace people. We couldn’t bring back the dead.
Leaving the bathroom, I finished getting dressed and headed out. The sitting room was empty and quiet. I glanced at Swan’s room but left her for now. She might be with Doc. Or with Liam.
Hell, she could be with her mother. I’d find her when she emerged. As long as she was in the clubhouse and safe where we could protect her, I would be patient.
I paused to check in her mother’s room. The woman in question was asleep. She still looked like hell; sooner or later, we needed her up and functioning to answer questions. Swan would need her for more.
Freddie glanced up from where he was flipping cards on the table. Though deep shadows were under his eyes, he didn't look too bad.
“Going down for coffee,” I told him. “And food. I’ll bring you up some.”
“Not even asking me if I’m hungry?” A sliver of teasing entered his voice. It was so faint to be barely there, but he still offered it up.
“No,” I said. “Cause I’m not hungry, either. We need to eat. If you want something specific, tell me.”
