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First things first, it’s time to go visit an old friend.
Chapter 3
Cooper
Thethingaboutgrowingup in this town is that I know the roads like the back of my hand, so making my way through to the cemetery is as easy as riding a bike.
In no time, I’m pulling through the ironclad gates of New Cathedral Cemetery. I scoff.Why do they need these ridiculous gates—are we needing to keep the spirits inside?I can’t imagine that we need to keep people out. Who the fuck wouldwantto be in a cemetery unless they had to be?
I don’t bother stopping in the office for directions to the gravesite. It may have been years since I was last here, but I can recall how to get there as easily as remembering how to get to his parents’ house. After following the narrow road over the first hill and over the stone bridge, I finally come to a stop. The Hayeses picked out a plot just under the giant oak tree, one that the younger versions of ourselves would have loved to climb. It was something I focused on the day of the funeral.
I couldn’t believe this was happening today. It was too hard for my brain to wrap itself around this. How was I attending my best friend’s funeral? I waited with bated breath for the top of the casket to open and for him to pop up like a jack-in-the-box, yelling, “Gotcha.”
As I looked around the crowd, I saw so many familiar faces who just days ago gathered to celebrate our victory, but now, we’d gone in a total one-eighty direction.
Riley was still in the hospital, so she couldn’t attend. She was constantly on my mind, and I knew she hated not being here. And honestly, so did I. I wished she were here to help me through this nightmare. She was the light in my darkness, and I needed her now more than ever.
Without her by my side, I just felt so lost—like I was spinning continuously down a rabbit hole, searching for anything to hold on to.
Sandwiched between my parents, I was thankful they were here, so close that their arms brushed mine, letting me know they were there just in case I needed them to hold me up.
“Today, we celebrate the life of Tanner Michael Hayes, a young man who had his entire life ahead of him. He had hopes, dreams, and aspirations. We don’t understand why this happened, but we must believe that he is in a better place now.”
I bit down on my tongue to not yell, “A better place? How can he be in a better place when he should be here, achieving those goals and reaching those dreams? He should be living the life we always envisioned.”
It was supposed to be us, forever, till the end.
We were supposed to be old and senile, and as Tanner would joke, we would then become new best friends all over again when our memory went. Not now, not at only eighteen.
Instead of listening to what the minister was saying, I focused on the giant oak tree in front of me. It reminded me of the trees we used to climb as kids. I wondered how long it would have taken us to get to the top. Would we be able to see far off in the distance from the top?
I didn’t know how I made it through the service, but before I knew it, it was concluding. I’m not sure I could say anything about it. I couldn’t tell you who spoke or what songs played. I was just existing—a body in attendance.
A line formed as people prepared to say their last goodbyes before leaving. The line went around the casket to where Foster, Lulu, and Austin Hayes stood.
I stared at the dark wooden casket as if somehow it could give me answers, like why this had to happen. Reaching out to touch the top, I hesitated, my hand hovering with an inch between us. I couldn’t bring myself to touch the smooth wood—that would mean this was real and that he was really gone.
I can’t do this. I can’t say goodbye to my best friend.
My dad placed his hand comfortingly on my shoulder, and I pulled my hand back. When I looked forward again, I saw the line had moved. One step closer to the Hayes family.
First up was Austin, who stood there, wearing the same suit he just wore to prom, looking numb.Isn’t that what we all feel?He’d barely said anything since the night of the accident. He looked up to us, and even if the Hayes brothers fought and Tanner called him annoying often, they were still brothers. They had a different bond that Tanner and I didn’t have, nor did I have with anyone as an only child.
When my mother hugged Lulu, she sunk into her arms and held on tight. I swallowed slowly as I watched my mother comfort her best friend. Next up, it was my turn.
I stepped up to the woman who had been like a second mother to me all my life. However, the eyes that looked at me were cold as ice. Her expression was blank, as if she were a stranger and not the woman who would paint school colors on her face during our games to show support or kiss my boo-boos when I fell at her house and my ma wasn’t there to do it herself.
My heart broke as her swollen eyes met mine. Her cheeks were stained red from her constant tears. Lulu stepped closer to me and raised her arms as if she were about to hug me. But instead of wrapping her arms around me, her clenched fists slammed against my chest, and her sobs rang louder.
“It’s not true,” she repeated over and over. “You did this. I hate you for taking my baby away from me. Why?”
It took both Austin and his father to pull her off me while I stood frozen, taking the verbal and physical lashings. I didn’t have to turn around to know that everyone still lingering was watching. I could feel their penetrating gaze as she spoke those hurtful yet honest words.
I did this.
Her son is going to be lowered six feet under because of me. I should have been paying attention. How was I ever supposed to live with myself knowing that?I wish it had been me.
My mother and father guided me away from the casket and away from curious eyes. The sounds of Lulu’s wails overpowered anything either of my parents said. If I had to guess, it would be something like how she was wrong and just hurting right now. Didn’t make what she said any less true.
