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“That’s for you, Coop. I don’t need to read it.”
“Please,” he pleads, and I can’t tell him no, so I nod and unfold the letter.
Cooper,
If you’re reading this, well, that means I’m no longer here, and honestly, I’m not sure how to feel about that. Even though I made peace with my fate months ago, I know my loss is hard on my dear Sweet Ellie, Melody, and my grandson.
I don’t need to be there to know that my loss is hard on you, too. I’m sure you’re deep in your head, wondering all the what-ifs. If I could come back down to Earth and smack some sense into that head of yours, I would.
I chuckle. I look over at Cooper for a second, and I feel like there have never been truer words spoken about him at this moment as I watch him pace back and forth with his hands in the pockets of his suit pants. I continue reading aloud.
You are one of the best players I’ve ever had the honor of coaching—not just because of your experience or talent but your heart. The love of the game runs through your veins. It’s the air in your lungs and the love in your heart.
Let the game heal you.
Let go of the past and use the pain to power your future. And most importantly, forgive yourself. You’re the only one holding yourself back from the greatness I know you’re destined for.
There’s a reason you didn’t die that night.
The tears are fully streaming down my cheeks, blurring my vision.
Stop asking yourself why and start living, making the most of your time on this Earth. Trust me, it will be over one day before you know it. Don’t let any more time slip through your fingers.
And if you let that girl of yours go again, I will personally come back and haunt your ass. She is your North Star. You’ve been lost for a while, but she’ll lead you home.
I will always be with you.
Sincerely,
Coach B.
I was so entranced by the words on the paper that I hadn’t realized Cooper had taken a seat beside me. I fold the letter back up and clutch it in my hands. I stare in front of me at Coach’s casket as I let his words process.
I know that Cooper still battles his demons from that night, but I guess I hadn’t realized how much.
Cooper lets out an exasperated breath and rests his elbows back on his knees, focusing on the ground.
“Sometimes it’s so hard to breathe when I think about everything,” he admits. “It may have been an accident, but I caused the ripple effect that followed.” His voice is so low I wonder if he meant to say that aloud. “You deserved so much better than me. A life with me meant being labeled a killer, a fuckup. It’s been branded on my chest. It’s why I left. I thought I was doing what was best for you and for everyone.”
“That wasn’t your decision to make. You took that right away from me. We all have scars, Coop. Some are physically etched in our skin—” I focus down on my thighs, and Cooper reaches over, grabbing my hand. “—while others are branded on our soul. You need to wear your tragedies as armor, not shackles.”
Slipping onto Cooper’s lap, I grip his cheeks firmly and force his attention back to me. “You listen here, and you listen good, Cooper Graham. What happened that night was an accident. You may have been driving, but it was not your fault. You remember the good times. We fight, we love, we honor the ones we love and lost. We forgive.” He swallows hard. “The Hayeses have forgiven you.” I remove my right hand and place it over my chest. “I have forgiven you. The question is, Coop, when are you going to forgive yourself?”
He presses his forehead against mine, his shuddered breath fanning against my skin. “I don’t know if I can.”
“You can, sweetheart. It might not be today, and it might not be even tomorrow, but one day, you will be able to forgive yourself. I refuse to lose you again.”
“You won’t.”
“Won’t I? I feel like I’m watching you slip away the last few days and slip further and further into your grief. I’m terrified that you’re going to let it take over, and one day, I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone.” The dam holding the tears back finally unleashes, and I don’t hold back.
Cooper swiftly brings me against his chest, holding me tightly.
I let him hold me as long as he needs because I meant what I said. I can’t lose him again. It would kill me.
Chapter 36
Cooper
