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But then I’m not sure he truly has.
I grip his arms as if my life depends on it and enjoy the taste of his delectable mouth and do my best to focus on the now. Stop worrying about the future when this minute is absolutely perfect.
Chapter
Twenty-Eight
Ani
The days continue, as do the regular, routine punishments. Phoenix has only fucked me one more time, and it is not the same as before. He simply pushes me against a wall and quickly takes me from behind in an animalistic way. None has been as intense as the first. I long for even a glimpse of that connection we had when we were first together. I hunger for it as I once hungered for his cock to be inside of me.
I want all of Phoenix.
I want to know what is behind his tough exterior and why he gives me little of who he is inside. There is more. So much more.
But he is cold. So, so cold.
I see small glimpses. He is still as strict as ever, but I also receive tender touches here and there. He carries me to bed after a session and holds me as I fall asleep several evenings. He had bathed me, brushed my hair, and has started taking every meal with me in the dining room or upstairs in the attic.
Yes, he is still a severe disciplinarian, but when I am his perfect dove and submissive like he wants me to, he usually rewards me with kindness, even if it is just in small doses. Because I hunger to see and to feel more of that connection, I constantly search for it in his eyes and in his actions, and I know without a doubt that I can see it. I most certainly can feel it. Not all the time… but the times do exist.
Yes, I am still earning my comfort items.
I am still a prisoner.
But there is something different in the way he watches me. In the way he touches me. And even in the way he punishes me.
There are still constant reminders of my reality, however. He often demands to have a close-up recording of many spankings where I must hold my butt cheeks spread wide so he can see my anus as it, too, is spanked and prodded for his viewing. It is also expected for the tears to flow. Even if I don’t particularly feel like crying, I know it pleases him. I think I understand deep down what he wants to see—my pain, my suffering, my miserable penance.
He wants me broken… possibly so he can be there to pick up the pieces.
And whenever I perform as he wants, he will reward me with a caress, or a touch that makes my heart soar. But he also wants to see me as a captive hating every minute of her stay in the manor, and I play the part perfectly.
If Phoenix only knew.
If he only knew just how much my body craves the penance.
He isn’t the monster. I am the fucking monster. I want and actually like every single lick of pain. I ache for the next fix. I absolutely writhe in agony when I am without one of his touches. I am an addict, and Phoenix is the only one who can deliver the drug I crave.
After a deep breath while I eat my breakfast in the attic, I allow a wave of optimism to enter my psyche. I’m still naked, but I’ve never felt warmer. I’m not sure if it’s because Phoenix is giving me more and more of a leash, or that today is a new day, but I do have a new sense of hope. The despair and shadows that threatened to conquer me and swallow me have long vanished. I feel a renewed sense of strength as each day passes, at least enough to get through another day. One day at a time.
I feel him approaching me before a single sound is made. Phoenix has entered the attic with two fresh cups of coffee. Something about Phoenix’s presence causes erotic tingles throughout my entire body. I have a strong feeling that sex with Phoenix is something I will never experience with someone else. Not to this level or intensity. When I was at The Vault, I was with another man, but he was nothing without Phoenix. Nothing.
Even though my body aches from last night, I want my hands bound above my head as I scream no while Phoenix thrusts his cock into me. I want him to take me. God, how I fucking want to be taken. I want nothing more than to feel Phoenix in the most intimate of ways over and over. I want to be the woman tied to his bed, sucking his cock and giving over my full submission. I want to feel him spread me as he presses his body to mine. I want Phoenix more than I want anything in my life. I lust, I obsess, but more than anything… I crave his hard hand of discipline again.
