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“We fucked.” His voice vibrates off the bare walls.
“Maybe,” I say calmly, “but more than just a body part entered me. I felt it just as I know you did. I had your seed as you like to call it, blending within me. Something happened at that moment. A bond. I can’t imagine losing it forever while I bounce around like an expensive piece of artwork never to be appreciated or touched. I want more out of life.” I pause for a moment, preparing for the rejection I am sure will follow my next question. “Was I the only one who felt it? Did you not feel the connection with me? When we were together?”
“I felt it,” he admits. “I fucking felt it.”
Phoenix begins pacing, his aggravation visible in his posture. I sit and wait for the storm to erupt. I am asking for a severe spanking by continuing, but I have to, if even the slightest hope exists. He turns to me and points to the hallway. “Ani. Leave. Now. Go back to the room. I need… time.”
I rise quickly and run to the room. Not out of fear, although I am scared of Phoenix’s wrath, but because I don’t want him to see how truly devastated I am.
Have I got this all wrong?
How?
How can I be so off?
How can this be so one-sided?
I’m in my room crying when a knock sounds at the door rather than it just being opened like every other time. With the mood Phoenix is in, he would never knock. Never.
I quickly dry my tears. “Come in.”
Phoenix opens the door and gracefully enters the room. “Ani, I can see… no, I can feel that I have upset you.”
I look into his deep eyes and say nothing. I meet his gaze and allow him to truly see my pain. I want him to see how the thought of not being with him once we confirm I am pregnant causes anguish like no other. I understand I am simply a surrogate now, but that doesn’t mean I like it.
Phoenix pulls me into his arms harshly. He presses my head to his chest with more force than I am prepared for. “It kills me to see you hurt. I want to never be the cause of your heartache.” Without releasing his grip, he continues, “But what you want is not possible. It’s not the way your life should be. Even if I could safely keep you with me at all times, a life in the attic is no way to live. It’s just a matter of time until you lose your mind. Our child deserves a sane parent.”
I pull from his strong embrace. “I don’t care what we do as long as I’m with you. And our child deserves to have both his or her parents. Not just me.” I sniffle and wipe away the tears, trying to regain my composure. “Anything is better than me being cast off alone.”
“You won’t be alone. You will have around-the-clock security watching over you. We will give you staff as well to help with cooking and cleaning. You won’t be alone.”
“But that is alone! It might as well be. What kind of life will I have with no real connections?”
“A better one than you would have with me. Look at me. I’m not the man you are picturing. I’m not that white picket fence dream.” He pauses as if he may change his mind but then quickly snaps out of it. “And you won’t be alone. You will have the baby. And who knows, we may want a second child down the line.”
I shake my head. “You are a coward. You are too scared to let me in. To let any form of love in.” I pause to drum up the strength to tell Phoenix my true feelings. “I love you. I love you so much. Even though you may never return the words, I’m at least not a coward and can tell you how I truly feel.” I look back up into Phoenix’s deep blue eyes. “But I know my baby, and I deserve more. So, if you can’t say the words—”
“I love you, too,” he cuts in. Sighing, Phoenix shakes his head. “I can’t give you what you need.”
“Then take me someplace else. Find a place besides the manor or the penthouse, besides the properties everyone is aware of, and build something fresh. Anywhere else.”
“I can’t do that, and you know it. I have responsibilities that keep me here. I can’t just run off and play house. The slightest show of weakness, and others will move in.”
I reach out for Phoenix’s hands and pull him close to me in desperation. “Figure it out. Fix this problem as you fix everything else with your business,” I suggest, feeling hopelessness take over all sense. “You are a man who doesn’t take no for an answer.”
