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I was once again feeling like that lost little girl who was left out of everything fun, and some of the joy that lingered from the last week started to dwindle at the thought of this one day coming to an end. I almost put myself out there and shared some of what I was thinking with him but found myself being afraid to even broach the subject with him.
I guess I’m always going to be this way, always holding back from certain things for fear of being rejected. I hate that about myself, but in reality, there isn’t a whole lot I can do about it. I’d been conditioned this way for too long, I guess, for things to change on a dime.
“What’s the matter? You don’t look happy to be here. Say the word, and we can head back over to my place if you’d like.” He looked and sounded worried, but even when he took my hand in his and turned me to face him, I still wasn’t brave enough to tell him what was on my mind.
“Oh no, I’m fine.” I tried fobbing him off with a smile, but I’d forgotten how well this man had come to know me. He pulled me over to the bed to sit, and the look of concern on his face brought me to tears, which I fought valiantly to hold back.
“Tell me, what’s bothering you? Are you worried that the old lady would show up again?”
I shook my head before he was through talking. I hadn’t thought about her at all and was pleasantly pleased to realize that I no longer felt hunted at the thought of her showing up at my door. That’s only one of the things that had happened, thanks to Mace and his handling of her the last time she showed up here.
He'd shown me that I didn’t have to fight that particular war alone, and after the way he’d sent her packing with her tail between her legs, not to mention the trouble he’d caused my ex, I no longer saw those two in the same light. It’s kind of like seeing your bully get taken down by someone stronger and bigger and having that someone in your corner. If nothing else, Mace had given me that.
“If not that, what’s putting that look on your face?”
“It’s nothing, really; I just realized I’m going to miss being at your place, is all.” That seemed to please him immensely because he lost the worried look on his face and instead smiled wide. I’m not sure what was going on with me, but for some reason, my mind was suddenly filled with thoughts of what if.
This past week had been so perfect that I had a growing fear of things going downhill from here on out. I’ve always been one of those people who was afraid to laugh too much or have too much fun because something always invariably happened to dull the moment, almost as if it was a crime or something to be happy for too long.
“Stephanie, what the hell?” I hadn’t realized that my eyes had betrayed me, and one of those tears had escaped until he reached over with his fingers to wipe my cheeks. “Why are you crying?” If I wasn’t feeling so bereft, I’d have laughed at his tone and that mean look on his face. He looked ready to slay dragons. Is it any wonder I’d fallen so hard for him?
That chance meeting is something I’ll always be thankful for, even though I could’ve done without him overhearing my drunken drivel that night. “I’m happy and sad.” He studied my eyes as if to read the truth there, and I felt my heart seize up. The fact that he knows me so well already when the man I’d been married to for years never took the time to notice anything about me was another one of those things that made the thought of him ever being out of my life heartbreaking.
I laid my head on his shoulder more to escape his piercing gaze than anything else, but even that small gesture brought me peace. I’m in so much trouble here. I’d gone and done something I never intended to do ever again in this lifetime. But the truth is, my falling in love with Mace was not a conscious act on my part. It’s as if I had no real say in the matter, and it was something that just happened without my say-so.
I’d been a broken shell after my ex did a number on me, and the truth is, I never felt half of what I feel for Mace for him. Of course, at the time, I thought he was the love of my life, but it didn’t take long to figure out that I wasn’t the same for him. But now I know that I was only playing at being in love before because this, what I felt for Mace, far outweighed anything I’d ever felt with the jerk.
