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“No, you didn’t do anything; in fact, I had the best time of my life this past week with you. And that’s the problem.” I didn’t answer with my mouth, but my eyes told her to go on, that I was listening. I didn’t bother to convey the fact that I thought whatever she was about to say was going to be chock full of bullshit or that I was this close to turning her over my knee for the stupid shit she was thinking.
I didn’t even let on that I was pissed because she’d only think it was her fault again when in reality, I was pissed at everyone who had ever made her feel like she couldn’t be happy or didn’t deserve to be.
“Since you had such a good time, why do you want to break up?”
“Because it’ll only get harder if we let this go on any longer.” I nodded my head as the words left her lips because they were pretty much what I expected. Her words reminded me of what X had said the first day we met, that she wouldn’t bounce back from us the way she had with her ex.
“What will get harder?” If she thinks I’m letting her off that easy, she’s got another thing coming. I want her to spell shit out so we can both hear how nonsensical this shit is. I’ve got to tell you; I’m pretty sick and tired of people questioning my taste and judgment, her included.
“It’ll get harder to say goodbye, I guess, for me anyway. I’m having so much fun with you, more fun than I’ve ever had before, and I’m happy, and it scares me because I know that when you leave, I’ll be a broken shell, and I don’t want to go through that again because this time would be even worse than my divorce.”
She got trots of the mouth, it seemed like, and rattled off her grievances which all seemed to be centered around me leaving her once I had my fill. I think she even insulted me by suggesting that I was slumming for a while but would soon get tired of it and move onto some skinny broad she’d invented in her head, to whom I was going to get married and have a houseful of children with. My woman is delusional as all hell.
I let her get it all out without uttering a word until she’d tired herself out with her little one-sided idiotic rant. I could’ve told her that she sounded just as stupid as the people who judge her, but that wouldn’t have served any purpose, so I decided to be the sensible levelheaded one. I did let her sweat for a minute or two in pure silence as we looked at each other.
“That first day I came to your office and took you to lunch, do you remember what we talked about?” She looked stumped as she tried to remember the conversation. “That’s just great, Steph, it was one of the most important conversations of my life, and you forgot it already.”
I pouted or close, which I knew would send her into protective mode. “No, it’s not that; I’m just trying to remember; we’ve had so many great conversations.” I gave her a disbelieving look with all the hurt I could muster thrown in for good measure.
“We talked about having kids.” Not exactly, but close enough.
“We did?” I nodded my head at her question and saw a chink in her armor. She chewed on her lip, and I could see some of the crazy leaving her eyes. As long as I live, I’ll never understand how the fuck women’s heads work. How do you go from smiling and happy one second to gloom and doom the next?
“I kinda sorta remember.”
“So how did we go from that to you wanting to break up with me? I thought we had a good thing going, I thought you’d want to spend the rest of your life with me, but I guess I was wrong. So, what is it? Do I snore? Am I untidy, what? What has brought you to the conclusion that you want to break up with me?”
“I don’t want to break up with you. I just thought … you know.” She shrugged like that was supposed to answer the damn question.
“Stephanie, listen, I don’t know what goes on in your head, and I’m not sure what you missed this past week, but I tried to show you in every way that I’m in this for the long haul. I didn’t realize that you were so self-centered that you didn’t realize or appreciate the things I was doing to show you how much I love and enjoy having you in my life.”
I pretended to leave my seat in anger, and she was the one holding onto me now to keep me in place. I was dying inside, but I had to do this; I had to show her that she had as much of a hold over me as I had over her, that we were both vulnerable in this space, and in so doing, give her some of her power back.
