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“It’s late. I should get going.”
Well, that move backfired.
After he was gone, it felt like I had a lump stuck in my throat. I guess the positive side was that it clogged up all the tears that were threatening. The way I’d acted had left me desperate and sad, and at two o’clock in the morning, I was still staring up at the ceiling in the dark, searching for answers I didn’t have. So I ripped the covers off and sat up, reaching for my phone. There was only one way to get answers, and that was by going straight to the source. Without giving myself a chance to change my mind, I shot off a text to Holden, even though it was the middle of the night.
Lala: Hey. Are you up?
He answered quickly.
Holden: Yeah. I think the time change and sleeping on the redeye screwed me up. What’s your excuse?
Lala: Will you meet me on the fire escape in a few minutes?
The dots started moving around, then stopped, and then finally began again.
Holden: Sure.
I grabbed a bottle of wine and two glasses before opening the window and climbing out. Holden was already seated on the adjoining fire escape.
“Hey,” I whispered.
“You should be sleeping,” he said.
“There’s too much on my mind, and I need to talk, Holden.”
Our eyes caught, and he nodded.
There was so much I wanted to say, but my thoughts were all jumbled. So I took a few minutes to compose myself as I poured us each a glass of wine and passed one through the bars to Holden.
“Thanks,” he said.
I nodded and took a deep breath. “Why didn’t you kiss me tonight, Holden? We haven’t seen each other in a week.”
He looked down. “I didn’t want to crowd you. You have so much on your plate right now.”
“But I wanted to be crowded by you. I think I made that pretty obvious.”
Our eyes met and for a second or two, I saw the familiar spark in his gaze. But then he turned away. “Sex will just make it harder. I don’t want you to be sad or feel bad when you leave New York. Your happiness means more to me than my own.” He paused for a second. “Over the last week, I’ve been thinking a lot about Ryan. I promised him I’d always look out for you, and that’s what I’m trying to do. I don’t want to say or do anything that makes things more difficult for you. That’s one of the reasons talking was so hard when we were inside your apartment before. I don’t want to screw up.”
“Just be yourself, Holden. You can’t screw up when your intentions are good.”
He scoffed. “Didn’t you ever hear that saying, the road to hell is paved with good intentions? That’s me, Lala. I am the road to hell.”
We were both quiet again. Eventually, he chugged his entire glass of wine.
“How did seeing Warren make you feel when you were back home?”
I frowned. “It was sad. He cried and told me he still loved me. And before he left, he gave me an open-ended plane ticket to go out to California, so I can visit him if I ever want to. It’s hard to see someone you care about hurting.”
Holden nodded. “Do you think it was a mistake that we got together? I basically wormed my way between you two and broke you up.”
I shook my head. “You didn’t worm your way into anything. I wanted what happened between us as much as you did, maybe more. I’ll always love Warren in some way. He was very good to me and a big part of my life for a long time, but being with you made me realize something important was missing.” The moment had become really sad and heavy, so I tried to lighten the mood. “You know, like good sex, for one.”
Holden nodded. “At least I’m good for something.”
“I’m teasing, Holden. Yes, sex with you has been great, but it was more than that.”
“Yeah…”
This time it was me who chugged my wine. I’d been meandering around with small questions because I was afraid to ask the big one. But I needed to know.
“What will happen between us once I’m back in Philly?”
Holden shook his head. “I don’t know. Why don’t we just play it by ear?”
It felt like my insides were being torn up, yet I forced a smile. “Okay. That sounds good.”
A minute later, Holden thumbed toward his apartment. “I’m wiped from traveling. I should probably get some sleep.”
“Oh. Yeah. Of course.”
I hated to end this conversation, yet I climbed to my feet when Holden did and opened my window. “Goodnight. I hope you get some sleep.”
“You, too. Goodnight, sweetheart.”
Halfway through the window, I panicked and froze. “Wait! Holden?”
He paused with one leg already inside. “Yeah?”
