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“You need help?”
“What I should’ve done is taken the help my two assistants offered, but I was too afraid to not have my first presentation be perfect. But it’s okay. You should go back to sleep. I’m sorry I woke you.”
Holden smiled. “Trust me, sweetheart. After our little show and tell, I’m not falling back asleep anytime soon.”
I knew the feeling. Earlier I’d gone into the bathroom to pee and splash some cold water on my face because I was starting to fall asleep while I was working. But there was no way I could go to bed now. Plus, I could really use the help.
“Are you sure?”
“Positive. Tell me what to do.”
For the next hour, Holden and I matched lab results to patient-intake sheets. Since it was a blind study, everyone was identified by number rather than name. It was pretty ridiculous in this day and age that the lab hadn’t given me some sort of a spreadsheet that I could sort easily, but they hadn’t. So after we paired results to patients, Holden read off the numbers I needed while I typed them into a database.
“How does this study work? I know it’s something to do with dopamine levels and Alzheimer’s.”
“Well, the dopaminergic neuron system has been studied before as it relates to the progression of Alzheimer’s. But the results have been pretty inconsistent. It’s my theory that more than just dopamine has to be examined. My initial research shows that low levels of three combined hormones: dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine together cause neurodegenerative disease. So my study raises the levels of all three hormones in early Alzheimer’s patients so we can study the rate of progression of the disease.”
“You said sex increases the levels, right? So do you hand out Viagra and put on some Marvin Gaye?”
I laughed. “Close. We split the test subjects into two groups. One gets a handful of placebos for control purposes, and one gets the actual drugs that raise the levels of the hormones.”
Holden got quiet after that. I hoped that my laughing at his Viagra-and-music comment didn’t make him feel bad.
“Is everything okay?” I prodded.
“Yeah, sure.” He neatened a stack of papers that were already neat. “I was just wondering, have you only ever dated smart guys?”
“Well, I’ve only ever dated two men, and both happened to be smart. So yeah, I guess so.”
“Two men?” Holden’s brows pinched together. “You mean you only had two serious relationships? But you must’ve dated other guys, right?”
I shook my head. “No, I’ve only dated two men in total.”
“Wow.” Holden blinked a few times. “So then you’ve only…you know…with two men?”
“Actually, I only slept with one of them. I went out with the other one for a few months, but I was young, and our relationship never progressed there.”
Holden’s eyes widened. “So you’re going to marry the only guy you’ve ever fucked?”
When I started to blush, he held his hands up. “I’m sorry. That was crass. I shouldn’t have put it that way.”
“It’s fine.” I pointed to my rosy cheeks. “Maybe if I’d had more sexual escapades, I wouldn’t turn red every time anyone mentioned the word. I swear if you want me to look like an apple, just say sex or make me tell a lie.”
“Don’t you ever wonder what it would be like? I mean, how do you know if you should pay for the goods if you haven’t shopped around?”
“I’ve actually been wondering that a lot lately.” Our eyes met. “In fact, it feels like I can’t stop wondering about it.”
Holden opened his mouth to say something, but then seemed to think better of it and nodded.
I brushed a lock of hair behind my ear. “Can I ask you a personal question?”
“I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”
“How often do you…take care of yourself?”
Holden’s eyes dipped to my lips before returning to meet mine. “Are you asking me how often I masturbate?”
I nodded.
He shrugged. “It depends. If I’m sexually active, not as often. But if I’m going through a dry spell, maybe every other day or so? I guess it also depends on how frustrated I’m feeling and how active my imagination is.” He held my eyes, and his face grew serious. “There have been days when I can’t stop imagining what it would be like with a particular person. Those days, I might take three showers.”
I swallowed. “Have you ever been in love, Holden?”
He thought about his answer in silence for a moment. “I think so. Once.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing.” Holden looked down. “She’s with someone else.”
I nodded again.
“Is it my turn to ask you something now?” he asked.
“Sure.”
“If you were in love with someone, and they were with someone else, would you tell them how you felt anyway?”
“I guess that depends. If I thought the person might love me back…” I nodded. “Yeah, maybe I’d tell them. I think you can get over making a fool of yourself, but regret lasts a lifetime.”
