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“I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend,” Holden eventually whispered.
“What are you talking about? You’ve been such a good friend. You’ve driven me all over the place, fixed everything in my apartment, helped me with my car a half-dozen times…”
Holden shook his head. “A better friend would have kept his distance.”
“I’ve been just as culpable. You said you want me more than I could imagine. Well, you’re not the only one with desires, Holden.”
He smiled sadly. “I know. Desire can be a fucked-up thing. But whatever is going on between us ends tonight.” Holden climbed to his feet. “I care about you too much to be your biggest regret. Take care, sweetheart.”
CHAPTER 14
Holden
Owen stopped in the following day after he returned from his Boston trip. He was still wearing his work clothes; I swear, that guy lived in suits. He gave me a scrutinizing look as he headed for my couch, and I knew what was coming. But after the way I’d left things with Lala last night, I was in a crap mood and had no tolerance for his usual bullshit.
“How did everything go with bringing Lala back from New Jersey? Once again, you manipulated your way into spending time with her, huh?”
I fisted my hands. “Shut the fuck up, Owen.”
“Is that not the truth?”
“You want the truth? The truth is…I’m gonna kick your ass if you don’t cut the shit and stop sticking your damn nose where it doesn’t belong.”
“Jesus. Chill out.” His brows furrowed. “Are you okay?”
“You act like this whole Lala thing is a fucking game to me. It’s not. It’s been eating at me. And walking away is hard.”
He blinked. “Wait—walking away?”
“Yes. You don’t need to police me anymore.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I got a little drunk last night. Told her I was done. Also told her I didn’t want to be her biggest regret. Then I stormed off. And I meant it. I’m done.”
Owen narrowed his eyes. “You don’t look done, my friend.” He placed his hand on my shoulder. “You don’t look done in the least. You look…like shit.”
“Suck a dick.” I chuckled.
Owen stared at me for a few seconds. “You know… I think this might be the first time I’ve realized how tormented you are over this.” He sighed. “I know you care about her. That was never in doubt, nor the problem.”
“I haven’t been with anyone since Lala came to town, Owen.” I pointed to my chest. “Me! What does that tell you? It’s fucking weird. I’ve never had this happen. It’s like I have tunnel vision. The more I feel like I can’t have her, the more I want her.”
Owen got up, went for my fridge, and grabbed a beer. He popped off the cap and tossed it aside. “You need to force yourself to move on somehow. Not only because she’s engaged, but for your own good.”
“I’m gonna try.” I let out a breath. “Starting tonight. I really am.”
“It’ll be easier when she goes back to Pennsylvania,” he said.
“Yeah,” I muttered, even though the thought of that—or worse, her going to California—gutted me.
“You know I’m just looking out for her like Ryan would’ve.” He took a sip. “But I’m sorry for giving you such a hard time. I can see now that you’ve probably been the hardest on yourself, more than anyone.”
“Are you apologizing to me? That’s so unlike you.”
“Don’t get used to it.” He grinned. “And for the record, I’m proud of you for not pushing things any further and for trying to do the right thing.”
While Owen knew about the hotel night, he didn’t know about the phone sex. I didn’t want to betray Lala’s trust by spilling those details, so I kept that to myself. I wasn’t sure he’d be so forgiving right now if he knew exactly how far I’d pushed things.
“In a weird way, I envy you,” Owen said.
I blinked in confusion. “Which part do you envy—my blue balls or my inability to get it up for anyone else?”
“Neither.” He laughed. “I guess I envy the passion you have for her, even though you may not be right for each other. At least you know you have the ability to feel this way about someone.”
“Believe me, you don’t want this, brother. Wanting someone and not being able to have them is the ultimate torture.”
Owen stared down into his bottle. “I would love to feel something for someone…to not feel so damn dead inside. Sometimes, I doubt whether I’m capable of it. It just hasn’t happened for me.”
It hit me that I’d had my head up my ass with this Lala thing for so long that I might have been missing that my boy Owen was pretty down. He was a workaholic, and I’d always just assumed he was too busy for anything else or that he was too damn picky. Never thought he felt like he was missing out. But maybe there was something more to him not having a love life.
