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“Speaking of other women, you should’ve seen her reaction at the club when I had that girl on my lap.”
Colby made a face. “Clearly, she has some strong feelings for you as well. Aside from that, I also worry she’s not ready to get married, though at one time she might’ve thought that was what she wanted. But she strikes me as the type of person who’d sacrifice her own happiness just to avoid hurting someone. She might go through with it if she doesn’t have a strong reason to reconsider. That’s another reason to open up to her.”
“Yeah.” I exhaled. “Well, you’ve certainly given me a lot to think about.”
“You just need to lay it all on the line; be brutally honest. You need to tell her exactly how you feel without worrying about the consequences. Because when we keep feelings inside, they eat away at us, and eventually…we die. Well, figuratively, I guess.” He shook his head. “I can’t picture you at her wedding. Can you? You know we’re all going to be invited. How do you stand there and watch her marry him? I can’t even imagine that.”
“I wouldn’t go,” I said without hesitation.
“You really wouldn’t go?”
“Wouldn’t go where?” Brayden asked as he burst into his kitchen.
“Up your ass,” I said.
“Are we having more secret Lala conversations?” he teased.
I rolled my eyes.
“You and I need to go out more,” he told me. “I can’t count on Owen or this old married dude here.”
“You’re right,” I admitted. “I’ve been stuck in a rut lately, and I’ve only been going out when I have gigs. I need to force myself.”
“Force yourself to stay away from Lala?” Owen said as he entered the room.
“That, too,” I agreed.
Brayden smacked Owen’s shoulder. “Hey, when your client’s sex club opens, can I get first dibs?”
“Again, I’m not even supposed to be talking about it, so keep your trap shut.”
Thank God everyone dropped the subject of Lala for the rest of the night after that.
Once I got back to my apartment, I felt like I’d reached my breaking point. I needed to reach out to her—tonight. I grabbed my phone, knowing if I thought about what to text her for too long, nothing would come. After all, it had taken me what felt like years to decide on a message last weekend when I gave her that bullshit restaurant recommendation. But this? Pouring out my feelings? There was no way to plan for this shit.
So I decided to type exactly what was on my mind. Because Colby was right. This situation was driving me mad.
I could always erase it and not press send, I told myself.
Holden: Hey, Lala. I want to apologize for what I pulled last Saturday night. (I feel like I’m always apologizing to you for my behavior.) This text should have come sooner, but I’ve been so fucked up and didn’t know what to say. While I’m sorry for backing you into a corner like that, I’m NOT sorry for what I said. Because it was the truth. I’m not going to claim that what I’m about to say is good for you. But it’s also the truth. Here goes: I cannot stop thinking about you. I think about you from the moment I get up in the morning until the moment my head hits the pillow at night. I have never felt this way about anyone. I know I’m wrong for you. That’s the thing. That’s why this is so unfair, but I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t give a fuck about that anymore. I haven’t been with anyone since you got to New York. I’ve been incapable of feeling anything for anyone other than you because I’m not interested in anyone else. That girl you saw me with last weekend was no exception. I wanted to make you as jealous as seeing you with Warren made me. It was a game. But I don’t want to play games anymore, Lala. I’m done holding back. I want you to leave Warren. If not for me, then for the sheer fact that, even though you might care about him, he doesn’t satisfy you like I could. He never will. The problem is, I can’t promise anything about what a future with me might look like. That’s the shitty part of all this. What I can promise is that I’ll give you what I know you want right now: to take your body to places it’s never been before. I don’t want to die and not know what that feels like, Lala. I want you. All of you. Do with this information what you need to, but if there’s any chance you feel the same way, you need to let me know, and you need to handle stuff on your end first. On the other hand, if there is no chance of us ever becoming more than we are now, I’ll move on. For good this time. If you love Warren and intend to marry him no matter what, you need to tell me point blank that nothing more will ever happen between us. I promise you, when I hear those words come out of your mouth, I will stop this. It will HAVE to stop. But make no mistake about it, I will continue to crave you.
