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“Nah, you ain’t. Especially when it’s done in romantic passion.”
I snorted a hard laugh. “Passion. There’s no passion between Jas and me. It was short-lived for a good two months, maybe.”
“You don’t have to have the spirit of discernment as strong as I do to feel that.” Her voice turned soft, eyes strained, peering out of the window. “You and Jas have this…like…untethered frenetic passion storming beneath a tough layer of stubbornness…ego.”
I gulped my champagne. “I told him I’d be willing to have another baby.”
Her head whipped so fast and hard my way, I felt a gentle breeze from the force. “You did not,” she breathed.
I nodded, not wanting to talk about it but feeling enough emotion from it to want to confess it to a confidant. “I’m so fucked up now, Peach.” My attention slowly rolled over to her.
“Do you want another baby?” Concern edged her tone.
“I want more for Chi-Chi.”
“And that’s giving her a sibling? Now?”
“It’ll be giving her more than me. I’m not—” I turned away. “I feel like I’m not enough for her. I haven’t given her enough.”
“Wait. What does that mean?”
“I love her…with all my heart, I adore my little girl. I just don’t want her to be like me, an only child. It got really hard for me when my mother left. I had only half a family then. Noelle’s great, but she came so late, and her birth caused a rift in my family. I don’t want any of that for Chivon. I want her to have an ally beyond her father and me. I want her to have the world and never feel like she’s the deciding factor of three. The third vote that becomes the deal breaker.”
“You’re projecting.”
“I’m preparing. Her. She’s what matters most here.”
“And what about her father?”
“What about him?”
“What about his needs? Where is he in this equation? Where are you? What about what serves your soul…who supports you? Who’s your companion? I understand being concerned about your daughter’s future, but aren’t you neglecting the genesis here? You and Jas? You two have unfinished business, far more self-serving than giving Chi-Chi a sibling.”
I shook my head, tossing back the remainder of my bubbly as I gaped at the pretty lights. Then a thought occurred, and I turned back to her.
“Peach, how’s Kema?”
“Kema who?”
“Your parishioner. The one you brought with you when I invited you toKarsyn Cove.”
She thought for a minute before suddenly and very dramatically rolling her eyes. “Don’t even speak her name too loudly. I’ve been ghosting her for a few months now.”
“You? That’s not your style. Why?”
“Because people don’t understand how human my experience is. I’m not just a spiritual leader. It’s like what I was speaking about earlier. When you speak prophetically to people, they have a better chance at heeding spiritual and professional matters—heck, anything but relationships. I told that woman not to marry Jeff. He wasn’t ready. They lasted nine months before he moved out and eleven before she filed for divorce. Jeff got engaged to a stripper before it was final.”
“Oh, damn.”
“I like the stripper, too. A lot,” she emphasized. “They seem more compatible than Jeff and Kema. Kema still needs to focus on Kema rather than every hot topic around her. It’s like she’s on sensory overload with the happenings of other people’s lives. She isn’t centered.”
“Am I centered?”
Without peering my way, Peach shook her head, answering no.
“Sometimes,I—” I struggled for my thoughts. “I don’t feel empty. I feel…hollow?” I chuckled at my ridiculousness. “I know that doesn’t make sense, but…”
Peach reached over and palmed my arm gently. “Your truth is real whether it’s chaos, bliss, certainty, doubt, or evolution. Don’t feel insecure about that. We all are on a path ending in death. James chapter four, verse fourteen says, ‘Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.’ Tomorrow belongs to tomorrow, but today, we live with what’s in our hearts and minds. We have control over our actions and intentions today.”
