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“What’s that, Chi-Chi?” Ines quizzed her.
Chi-Chi’s little hand went to her neck, believing it to be a necklace.
“No.” Ines shook her head.
Jas lowered Chi-Chi onto her feet and began to place the diamond bracelet on her wrist.
“Bracelet,” Jas coached her.
“Braeslit,” she attempted. “Pretty, Daddy!”
Chi-Chi’s appraisal reminded me of when my father would perform romantic gestures in front of our family, namely my mother when I was a child.
Did my mother feel as left out as I am feeling right now?
Rationale admonished my childish thoughts with the reminder of my father being her husband, so if she felt slighted, she had every right to. I wasn’t married or attached to this man by nothing more than this little person standing between the two of us now, twisting her wrist, checking out the beautiful piece.
Another kiss of adoration was pressed into my daughter’s chubby cheek by her father. Then his chocolate irises rose to my stiff frame.
“You’re good on seeing who you want…except him.” He fingered Chi-Chi’s beaded braids. “We can revisit the security thing at a later date. Let’s see if the next one you choose can protect you. If that can happen…” His attention returned to Chi-Chi. “I’ll fall back.”
His words. Why did they sound invective? Like a prison release to omens of things to come.
“You are holy, oh, God. Your truths and redemptions knows no bounds. Your power is infinite, Father. Your mercy is endless, and Your grace is undeserving. Your love is faultless, and presence is pure,” from my knees and elbows, I cried out in the spirit.
Forgive me for my sins, oh, God. Cascade me with Your forgiveness and mercy. Seize my ego and temper my flesh. Quiet my anger just enough for me to receive Your daily guidance. Lord, continue to teach me how to love my inner circle even when it is not being reciprocated. Remind me each morning, noon, and night of my charge to express the love demonstrated by Your begotten son in flesh form,” I continued, not knowing how long I’d been at it.
I was fucked up…tired, and desperate for change and redirecting. She stressed me the hell out. Nobody—not even my daughter—could infuriate me the way that woman could. Even when I’d allow her space away from me and my needs, Ashira would always find a way to disrupt my walk of faith. Having her in my world exposed the crimson stain in the pureness of my wool. I was a good man—could be. I knew I could walk a wholesome life, set on the path of God Himself. But the rage I’d come to manage so well came alive only in matters concerning Ashira.
“It is Your holiness, God, that I seek after. It’s Your redemption I fight to achieve. It is Your righteousness I submit to daily, Father.”
What could I do? Cut her off? That was impossible because of Chivon. She offered a solution of working toward a peaceful relationship, and while that was cool, I deeply wanted to eliminate a relationship with her. If I could be real, there had been days over the past three years when I wished I’d never met Ashira Witherspoon. Too many times, I caught myself fantasizing about a do-over the day she introduced herself to me inBrown Baristas. I knew it wasn’t a look. Knew she went against the brand: my list. I was one thousand percent sure of it. But I allowed my flesh to overtake my good senses.
What’s more was how now, four years later, I was almost miserable. Alone with no woman and a daughter I had to quickly mature for to avail myself in ways a single parent transformed for the betterment of their child. Even having her beautiful, bright light in my world was complicated. I’d come home some nights to a lifeless building when she wasn’t here. I missed Chivon. Before her, my place here was an imposing, safe shelter. The house always seemed empty without her forceful nature. Mood-lifting sounds of her little feet stomping onto the floors as she ran, hopped, or jumped made the place feel vacant in her absence. I hated leaving my baby for the night but accepted my fate as I’d been doing since I caught feelings for her mother.
“Help me, oh God, to accept my fate. Activate Apostle Paul’s resolve of each of ‘us remaining in the condition in which we were called.’ Lord, may I ‘learn the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.’ My heart is heavy with longing, but I know I lack nothing. As stated in Philippians four: I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.’ You’re my strength and strong tower when my spirit is adrift.”
And as a result of submitting to my flesh all those years ago, I had to figure out a fucking way to find contentment in my self-exiled wilderness.
“Mercy, God. Grace.”
Screaming the lyrics to Ragee’s “Do You,” a track produced by Young Lord, as he sang it, I temporarily forgot the level of annoyance I’d reached tonight. I loved this song—hell, I loved Ragee’s artistry. Seeing him here atClub Sinfelt like a family reunion. Some of his band was here, and the two dancers on stage with him tonight I’d seen around the circuit.Club Sinwas decent in size but patently smaller than the stadiums Ragee had been known to fill.
Bringing Cecil and our friends tonight may not have been the problem-free escapism I was hoping for. However, Ragee’s undeniable talent temporarily cured my frayed nerves.
A tap on my shoulder slowed my sway. One of the waiters reached over to yell into my ear, “They’re saying he’s closing his set now. So if y’all wanna beat the crowd, now is the time to make it backstage.”
I nodded, understanding my arrangement with Man when I called last week about attending the show tonight. Cecil had been lowkey upset with me for having Corinne, Shizu, and Peach come backstage to meet Raj and the crew without him when I joined his tour. So, I had to make this happen for him.
I flagged my arm to get their attention. Then I leaned in and shouted over the music, “He’s done. Y’all wanna head to the back now?”
Cecil and Shizu shook their heads. “He ain’t sing, ‘Blue’ yet. You know that’s what he’s going to close to, and I’mma go straight jacket in this bitch!”
“Yeah!”
“Okay. I’m going to potty,” I informed them. “I’ll go to secure the spot until you guys are done fighting through the crowd.”
My last words fell on deaf ears as they went back to the show. I looked over to my left, where the waiter was with a single security detail waiting. After grabbing my purse, I explained I’d be going alone. The two gentlemen sandwiched me on our way to the back of the club as we threaded the sea of teeming onlookers, entranced by the vibe Raj had set.
