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Gabriel took a long breath, then eased himself up into a sitting position. Shifting to the side to better look at Oliver, he pressed his back to the wall, one leg cocked up and hugged to his chest. “You still haven’t dealt with what your mother did to you when you were a kid, Ollie. You’ve stopped living for your sibling, and you’ve stopped denying yourself things you deserve. But you haven’t bothered todealwith it. And now your mom is dying.”
Feeling his throat go tight, Oliver sat up and leveled a stare at his boyfriend, not quite understanding his point. “And?”
“And… even if you could fly there right now and say all the things you’ve always wanted to say to her, things she deserves to hear, it won’t matter. She’s already too far gone. So, you’ll have to live the rest of your life without getting any real resolution. You haven’t been dealing, Oliver, and when she dies, I’m afraid of what’s going to happen to you. I’m afraid you’re going to spiral so far, you won’t be able to come back again.”
Oliver closed his eyes very slowly, his hands clenched into fists. He was fighting back memories, fighting back the phantom aches in his scars, and the haunting echoes of his screams as he begged to be let go. He swallowed, breathed, and counted to ten.
When he opened his eyes again, he spoke calmly. “I can’t pretend like I know what will happen when she goes. I’ve never lost a parent before, and God only knows how well I’ve dealt so far. And maybe you’re right—I might spiral, but to punish me before something actually happens…”
“This isn’t a punishment, Oliver,” Gabriel said in a rush. “I’m not saying never. I’m saying not right now. Just hearing she was sick sent you into a three-day drinking binge, and while I do love you—more than I’ve ever loved a partner before— I have to protect myself.”
“So, it’s a test. You want to see how I hold up under pressure?” Oliver’s tone was harsh, but he couldn’t help it. The pain in his chest from knowing Gabriel didn’t trust him was overwhelming.
Gabriel looked hurt, and Oliver felt a wave of guilt because he did sort of understand where his boyfriend was coming from. How could he not, when Gabe was only speaking the truth. But he didn’t feel like he was slipping. He had support, he had the only family he loved living under his roof, and he had someone who loved him to the ends of the earth. Someone he loved back.
So why should his life be thrown into ruins when that old bitch finally croaked?
“I understand why you don’t get where I’m coming from,” Gabe said after some silence. “You have no context. You’ve never dated before me, and…and I know my words hurt you. I’m not asking you to try to understand me, either. I’m just asking that you respect my decision. I don’t want this to come between us, and we see each other so much anyway. Nothing has to change, Ollie. I’m not saying no. I’m not saying never. I’m just saying not right now.”
“Not right now,” Oliver repeated.
Gabe nodded, meeting Oliver’s gaze firmly. “We can revisit the idea soon, okay? As soon as everything’s over. Alright?”
Oliver forced himself to focus on his love for the other man, on his patience he had for Gabriel that he didn’t have for anyone else. His head fell forward, then picked back up, and he realized he was nodding. “Alright. I can do that.”
To his credit, Gabriel didn’t insult Oliver by looking surprised that his boyfriend agreed. Instead, he gave Oliver a slow, sappy smile, and reached out a careful hand, pulling him close. “I love you so much.”
Oliver bent his head down as they moved back beneath the covers and held each other. “Just promise you’ll spend loads of nights here with me, in my bed. All snuggly.”
Gabriel laughed quietly and kissed Oliver on the side of the neck. “Just like this?”
Oliver moved even closer and held on even tighter. “Yes, love. Just like this.”
Thirteen
“What the hell are you doing?” came a vaguely annoyed voice from behind him.
Oliver looked over at his shoulder to where Leo was looming. His sibling was dressed to go out, wearing a calf-length black skirt and a flowing tunic-like shirt with a silver heart emblazoned across the chest. He was leaning over the counter, looking in a hand mirror as he spread thick, liquid eyeliner across his top lid.
“Going out?” Oliver asked in response to his sibling’s question.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but yes. Now answer mine, because that looks like you’re pricing flights to London.”
“I am. I want to surprise Gabe with a trip. It’s almost our anniversary and he’s never been.”
“Have you asked if he’s got time to go?” Leo asked, reaching into his makeup bag for a small tube of reddish lip gloss.
“Not yet. I’m not buying tickets until I talk to him first, I just wanted to price them out. Why are you so interested? You want to come along as well?” Oliver gave his sibling a wolfish grin.
With a grimace, Leo swiped his finger under his bottom lip to tidy up a few smears. “Not even a little bit.”
“Really?” Oliver spun in his chair, quirking a brow up. “Why not? You like London.”
“Yes, but that old bitch is still alive, and I’ve no intention of setting foot in that city until she’s dead and buried.”
Oliver felt something funny twist in his gut at the thought of his mother being actually and truly dead, but he wasn’t about to examine that now. “Fine. Suit yourself. I’ll bring you some proper chocolate when we get back.”
Leo rolled his eyes as he adjusted the hem of his skirt, then grabbed a bottle of hairspray to set his fringe over one eye. That finished, he preened a bit, his head high, chin out. “Don’t wait up.”
