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“That Mitchel though,” Leo said, waggling his eyebrows, “he looked like he was gagging for it. I bet he’d have let you have another go at him.”
Oliver pulled a face, smacking his sibling on the arm. “That’s disgusting. It was disgusting the first time round. You’d think I’d go again?”
“Nah,” Leo said, giving him a sharp grin. “Just thought it was funny. Bet he’s thought of you with every wank since the night you sucked him off.”
“I didn’t need to know that. I didn’t need toeverthink about that.” Oliver downed the rest of his drink and slid off the stool. “I’m going out for a smoke. Order me another, yeah?”
Leo merely tipped his glass at his sibling as Oliver made a semi-steady path through the pub tables and out the door. He walked a few paces away from the front of the building, slipping against the bricks behind a massive bin, and fumbled in his pocket for his smokes. He lit one, taking a huge drag, and relished in the burn. His lungs were aching, and all he really wanted was a warm bed.Hiswarm bed.
When he reached into his pocket for his phone, he knew it was a bad idea. It was probably too late to call Gabriel, but he was thumbing through his contacts anyway, and he was pushing the button even though his brain was screaming for him to stop.
It rang and rang. Just when he thought he might luck out, that the Universe was saving him from embarrassing himself, a sleep-thick voice picked up. “Ollie?”
Just the sound of his boyfriend made him go weak in the knees, and he had to push himself against the wall for support. “Hey. Sorry, it’s probably really late there, yeah?”
“Yeah, but…you alright?”
Oliver let out a laugh far more bitter than he intended, and he pressed the heel of his palm to his forehead. “If I said yes, would you believe me?”
“No,” Gabe said, sounding a little more awake now. He snorted a laugh and sighed. “Are you, though?”
“No, but I’m not as bad as I could be.” He leaned his head back against the wall and took another long drag, speaking through the thick smoke in his lungs. “Some bloke I sucked off at my old school showed up to the funeral. With his wife, no less, to pay his respects to the bitch.”
Gabe was silent for a long moment. “Ah. Must have been awkward.”
“It was. A two glasses of whiskey kind of awkward. Leo’s ordering me a third right now. We’re at some shite pub in fucking Chelsea surrounded by drunk men watching a rugby match, and I haven’t eaten since yesterday before the funeral. It’s my own, personal little hell. And I fucking miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
The admission startled Oliver, who hadn’t expected Gabriel to say anything along those lines. “Fuck, Gabe. I can’t wait to come home. This place is a nightmare, you know. My family’s all here, none of them know anything, and they expect us to be sad and I just…I don’t have it in me to wear that face.”
“I know. I…” Gabriel cleared his throat. “I feel like a serious asshole for letting you go off to London like that. I knew what you were going to be facing, and I’m not happy about what happened between us, but I do love you. I shouldn’t have…”
“No,” Oliver said quickly, standing forward a little too fast. His head swam, and he clenched his eyes shut. “No, you had every right. I was a fucking twat about everything, and you deserved so much better. Nothing you said about me was wrong, love. I haven’t dealt with it. I’m still not dealing with it, and I don’t know how to even begin.”
Gabriel let out a very small sigh. “Ollie, let’s not do this now. We can talk about this when you get back, alright? Just know that I love you, and I miss you so much. I can’t wait to see you when you get home.”
He hadn’t cried before this. Not for Gabriel, not for his mother. Nothing more than a handful of tears—if that. But it was all over now. The floodgates burst and he turned toward the wall, his chest heaving with sobs. He pressed the phone to his ear so hard it hurt, and he tried to speak, but he couldn’t get his throat to work. His knees felt suspiciously weak, and before he realized it, he was kneeling down with one hand pressed hard against the brick to anchor himself.
His eyes were burning with the tears, his cheeks aching, throat so tense he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to speak again. Gabriel was still on the line, murmuring comforting words, and every part of Oliver’s body begged to be home, in his bed, with Gabe’s arms around him.
He couldn’t cope, and he couldn’t carry on like this. He attempted to compose himself, taking in a few breaths, willing the tears to just hold on a few more days. He swiped under his nose with the back of his hand, sniffing loudly into the alley.
After a second, he let out a choked laugh and shook his head. “Lost it a bit there, didn’t I?”
“Have you cried at all before now?” Gabriel asked.
Oliver snorted. “Forher? Fuck, no. And that wasn’t really for her, anyway.” His voice was thick with tears, but he eased himself back to his feet and tried to shove away the feeling that he was still suffocating under his grief. “I don’t want to fuck up, anymore, but I don’t know how to stop.”
“You’ll work it out,” Gabriel said, his voice far off and a bit sleepy now. “You will. You’re a good person, Oliver. You’re worthy of love. You just have to figure yourself out.”
Closing his eyes, he tried not to let the words hurt so much. “I know,” he breathed. “Anyway, I’m being a selfish git here, keeping you on and I know it’s bloody late. So…can I text you later?”
Gabriel yawned for a second, and there was a slight smile in his voice when he spoke. “Of course you can. How about call me tomorrow at some reasonable hour. We’ll talk. I’ll tell you what kind of awesome souvenir I want you to bring home for me.”
In spite of the raging ache in his chest, Oliver let out a small laugh. “Yeah, alright. It’ll be something brilliant and super British, I promise.”
“You’re a dream. Anyway, I’m falling asleep on you, so I’m going to go. But if you need me, just call, okay? No hesitations.”
