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“Alright,” Oliver said from behind a breath. But although he was grinning, something was uncomfortable in the pit of his stomach. “Let’s plan something in a couple of weeks, yeah?”
“Good,” Sam said with a wide smile.
Oliver felt extreme relief when the subject was dropped, and they went into the shop for Leo’s cake. They found something passable and snickered a little as they headed out, knowing for all of Leo’s snobbery, he’d probably just be happy for the chocolate.
The ride on the tube was short enough, and Oliver paused just outside his flat when they finally arrived. “Do I get an invite up?” Sam asked with a waggle of his brows.
Oliver let out a small breath. “I…really shouldn’t.”
“Come on, babes,” Sam pressed. “We almost never spend the night together. I know you’re busy, but…”
“It’ll be better when I’m done, I promise,” Oliver swore, but he could hear the lie behind his words. He’d been keeping Sam at a distance since the beginning, and Sam knew it. “Please?”
Sam’s eyes flashed with caution and disappointment, but he acquiesced with a slump of his shoulders. “Alright. I do have the promise of the holiday, which means I get you all to myself for a whole weekend.”
Oliver nodded, his smile feeling plastered on and saccharine, but if Sam noticed, he didn’t say anything. Instead, he cupped Oliver’s cheeks and kissed him long and slow. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” Oliver whispered, cutting the kiss off short.
Sam nodded, pressing several close-mouthed kissed to Oliver’s cheeks. “Yes, you will. Have a good night.”
Oliver hummed and watched Sam walk off before he headed inside. The walk up the stairs was painfully long, but it gave Oliver a little time to sort out his head. He knew what he was doing. He’d been examining himself and his habits, the poor way he dealt with uncomfortable situations, for over a year now. And Sam was no fool. He had to be aware that Oliver was keeping him at a distance.
But he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t feel ready to move on. Maybe he felt he was undeserving, or maybe it really was that no one would ever measure up to Gabriel, but it was what it was. Oliver couldn’t change it.
He felt dejected and low by the time he stepped in, and was only a little annoyed to see Leo still up when he got in. His sibling was curled up on the sofa near the window, the TV on in the background without the sound, and his laptop on his knee. He looked between the bag Oliver carried, and his sibling’s face.
“Tesco? Really? You go to thedearestrestaurant in all of London, and you bring me aTescocake?”
“You want it or not?” Oliver asked flatly.
“Bring me a fork, you arse.”
Oliver snatched two out of the drawer and plopped down next to his sibling. He popped the plastic lid off and together they dug in. “It’s actually not bad,” Oliver mused a few bites in.
“Well, you could have done worse,” Leo admitted, licking the side of his fork. “Is there a reason you just stuffed yourself stupid on a two-hundred pound dinner, and are now eating cake that cost a tenner?”
Oliver stared down at the gooey sweet for a long moment. “Sam wants to go on holiday together. To Cornwall.”
“And that upsets you?” Leo asked wryly. “Cornwall is offensive to your spoilt and delicate nature?”
Oliver gave his sibling a withering glower. “It’s not Cornwall. I just… dunno if I want to do that. To take that step together.”
“So, quick afternoon buggery and staying over at his flat once a month are fine, but holidays are right out? I really don’t understand your logic here.”
“I just…he’s not…” Oliver said weakly, flapping his free arm a bit.
Leo looked at him sharply. “He’s not Gabriel, is what you’re saying.”
Oliver had been good about never saying Gabe’s name aloud, about avoiding it at all costs, and Leo had picked up on that straight away. To hear it now, in the dark of their flat in the middle of the night, it felt like a physical blow, and he winced.
“I should be over it by now. I had closure, you know? I ended it with him, and with good reason. He needed someone far better off than I was.”
“Closure and good reasons don’t erase heartbreak,” Leo pointed out. “I know I’m not the best judge here—I never had anything particularly healthy, but I can tell the pair of you loved the hell out of each other.”
Oliver leaned his head back against the cushion and closed his eyes against the impending pain. “I just thought it might stop hurting by now. That the sound of his name wouldn’t feel like someone was boiling my insides.”
Leo took another bite, staring thoughtfully into the distance. “Have you ever thought about trying to contact him? Maybe sorting things out, having a chat or something? Maybe it would help.”
“I’m not sure I could bear it. I mean, I’m still sorting myself out.” He took a long, slow breath. “I thought I might, once the nightmares stopped, but they haven’t yet. I can’t talk to him until I’m…until I’ve become something better than I was.”
